Today I feel like a failure. I actually had the thought on the way to work this morning that maybe I can't do this. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mom, trying to work and holding stuff together.
I remember the days of getting up and only being responsible for myself. I took a shower, put on whatever nice business clothes I wanted to, ate what I wanted, left on time...I had it together. Today my morning went like this: up to nurse Eli at 5, back to sleep till 6 when I finally let him get in bed with me to try and keep him asleep till 7:20, up, give Eli medicine, eat (while Josh dresses Eli), nurse Eli (while Josh dresses and feeds Seth), pump because Eli didn't eat enough, get ready (no shower), grab all the stuff Seth needs for preschool and my pump and work stuff, and rush out the door (late). I got Seth to preschool 10 minutes late, which meant I missed the "drop off" time window and had to get out of the car and take him in myself (making me even later to work). After dropping him off, it was the point on my drive when I had the "maybe I am not cut out for this" thought...and it got worse.
When I got to work, I was 10 minutes late for a meeting I scheduled with our 401K plan people. I walked in late and was greeted by the woman I had setup the meeting with, who I'd never met. She was about 23 years old, tall, skinny, blond and dressed perfectly in business clothes- jewelry, nails done, etc. Now, not that I've ever looked like her, but I at least used to be able to try. I came to work today in jean capris, a striped Old Navy shirt and tennis shoes (acceptable attire in my office). This girl looked at me like I was an alien. I don't pretend to know what she was thinking- for all I know, she was wishing she got to wear Nikes to work instead of Manolos. But the voice in my head filled in what I imagined she was saying: "You come to work like THAT? Did you even shower? When was the last time you had a hair cut? Those shoes are from like 1999. I hope I never look that slobbish." I made it through the meeting, and she was very nice. Was she who I wanted to be, or just a person in a much different stage? She stuck in my mind all day.
Some days it really hits me- the large number of small sacrifices we make. They ARE small ones, but there are a lot of them. We sacrifice mostly our comfort: the ability to sleep when we want to; the luxury of taking care of ourselves- haircuts, showers, nails (my latest manicure involved me biting my nails and spitting them out the window when I drove- gross, huh); our free time; time with our spouses and friends; exercise time. A friend recently pointed out to me that while "me time" is important to most of us, there is nothing in the Bible that directs us to pamper ourselves or just "focus on me." If you are a mom, you know all about these small sacrifices, and probably have a list of your own.
So what I kept coming back to with the meeting girl was this: why did she add to my feelings of failure? I felt that way on the drive to work, but being with her really brought me down. I haven't completely found the answer. The obvious pat answer is that I am focusing on the wrong things: my comfort, my clothes, my hair, and that's true. I shouldn't define my success that way. And everyone got where they needed to be today, although we were all a little late. I have a great husband who helps me, and two relatively healthy, happy kids. But that's not what was causing the unrest in my soul.
I just think there's something in me that believes if I was really a good mom I wouldn't struggle with this stuff. I'd have the inborn ability to just forget about my appearance, my image at work, my "success" and sacrifice it all with no thought because of those two sweet faces looking at me every day. I wouldn't care what the meeting girl thought of me. If I was a truly good mom, I wouldn't miss my "freedom" and my "me time." But I do. Sometimes I really do. I am not saying it's right.
And that's where the failure comes in: I want to feel all self-sacrificing every single day, but some days I feel like I am just not good enough to do it. Some day I still wish I could just wake up and take care of myself. Maybe I'm just in a hard place with a three year-old and a high-needs 8 month-old. I don't watch TV, I am on a special diet because of Eli's food intolerances (no ice cream, chocolate, dairy of any kind, baked goods, etc!) and I barely get to sleep. I am not that good at putting my kids first- the kind of good that would forget about all that stuff. I know they're worth it all, and this stage of life is temporary. I know I CAN sacrifice. I just hate that I don't always WANT to. Is this making sense? I want to WANT to. I have the feeling that if I don't WANT to, I am a failure as a mother. Or that I am too selfish for this job. Let me either be the self-centered, "has it all together", professional girl, or the "I love my sweat pants and I can't remember the last time I slept because my baby's up all night but I love it" girl. It's hard to be in-between.
Do you struggle with this? Not just the sacrifices, but the guilt of not being "giving" enough to forget about them? Does anyone really forget, or do we find enough ways to indulge ourselves just enough to survive until one day our kids are grown? I think this struggle goes on and on- even as we learn to be loving, giving, sacrificing and serving. Post your thoughts below- I'd love to hear them!
(This is Ashley Rainsbarger, not Aryn)
ReplyDeleteThis pretty much sums up how I feel about once a week. And yes, I feel guilty for feeling it. I feel guilty for feeling selfish and for sometimes being angry at my children because they don’t understand what it takes to be a parent, and especially a mother. Then I feel ridiculous because OBVIOUSLY children have no understanding of what it means to sacrifice. But this is the circle. I think our moms felt this way too and someday our children will have kids of their own and finally appreciate us. I keep telling myself it gets easier as they get older. Someday our children will not need us to feed, clothe, clean, or care for them at all. Someday our sacrifices will equal totally independent, individually unique people who won't need us anymore and we will probably then wish that they did. We will finally understand what this is all for and wish we would have appreciated motherhood more. I think it’s important to remember that we are not just mothers; we are people who happen to have children but who also have hopes, dreams and desires. Motherhood can’t be our only identify but it is our most important job. We can’t take care of our children if we don’t first take care of ourselves. Great Blog!
I fall in the middle too Erika. I am neither the professional girl or the perfect mom. And I too suffer from guilt of not always feeling the way I should. I think you hit the nail on the head that it is a process of learning to enjoy THIS moment and learning to give more of ourselves every day.
ReplyDeleteI think all of us think we don't want to sacrifice anymore sometimes. Any Christian married couple who attended marriage counseling knows that love is not a feeling. Love is action. We love our husbands whethere we feel like it or not. Same for our children...we sacrifice whether we feel like it or not. This develops perserverence, self-discipline and makes us more like Jesus. And, personally, I think it gets easier as you go on. I also think the more you sacrifice for something/someone, the more valuable that person/thing becomes. To be blunt: I believe the more we sacrifice for our children, the easier it is to love them. It might not seem that way at that sacrificial moment, but I am a firm believer that weeks, months, years later, those sacrifices have created an unbreakable bond.
ReplyDeleteOnce I read an article about a woman who was 30 and had made the "Top 30 Under 30 Women of Kansas City" list (that might not be the exact title, but you get the idea). As it listed all of her accomplishments, I felt smaller and smaller. I looked back over my 20's and contemplated how seemingly little I had accomplished by comparison. I expressed my unrest to my husband who said something I'll never forget. He said that what this particular woman (who was also a mother) had sacrificed to gain wordly esteem was heartbreaking. That her "success" came at a high, high price and that what I am doing is eternal. "Her children rise up and call her blessed" NOT "Her children rise up and say, 'I wish I saw my mom more growing up, but she DID have nice nails.'"
I frequently comment that "me time" is not Biblical. However, time to get away, be refreshed and come back a better mother is essential at times. If these trips away become too frequent, however, the "me time" becomes the norm and the children become a hassle and an interuption. Only you know the balance that makes your family thrive. Thanks for posting, Erika! :)
Thanks for all the comments. I really love to hear what you guys have to say, and each of you have given me something to think about. I feel a lot better today and appreciate your points. Keep reading our blog and passing on your thoughts!
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