Mommy Pride

I am not talking about the good kind of pride we have in our kids. I am talking about the pride that tells us we are somehow better than other parents. You know we all have it. I saw it in so many people before I recognized it in myself. I heard friends, long before I even had kids, verbally bashing other peoples' kids. They would judge all kinds of behaviors: acting out in public, throwing fits, not sleeping good, and, the worst of all parenting "sins"- they'd say a kid was spoiled. I didn't know any better, and I, too, vowed my kids would never be like those kids. And for the most part, with Seth I got very lucky. He was naturally very well-behaved. Quiet, obedient, thoughtful, and just all-around good. We took him everywhere. He even took naps in the pew during church. He was good in restaurants, at friends' houses, in child care situations, everywhere. He still can sit and play with one toy for a very, very long time.But as he grew, sometimes his little personality would start to show up. He started having small meltdowns around 20 or so months. I could usually sternly tell him to get it together, and he would. "What's the matter with these people and the kids I see falling apart at Wal-Mart?" I would think to myself. Come on! All you have to do is keep your kid in check! Easy!

Well, don't worry- I got mine. He was almost two, and we were at Once Upon a Child, shopping for some clothes for him. Apparently at some point he became afraid of the vacuum cleaner, because when they turned it on, he started shrieking and climbing up me.I picked him up and tried to calm him down, but he just lost it. I set him back down and he threw an all-out fit on the floor- kicking, screaming, uncontrollable crying, the works. I tried all my tactics to get him calmed, but it wasn't working. I saw two young, pregnant, "i've got it all together" women staring at me. It took me about 15 minutes to decide to give up and leave. I was horrified. HORRIFIED.I really went into this whole "I'm a terrible mom" depression for the evening. Where did I go wrong? Seth wasn't spoiled, we didn't allow this kind of behavior, and I had read all the right books to figure out how to avoid this. He had many, many, MANY fits after this one. We've figured it out together and generally now he keeps it together (at 3 1/2!), although we still have our moments.

My point? Not just that all kids will have fits (they will). Not just that you shouldn't blame yourself when it happens (you shouldn't). It's this: don't get on your high horse when your kid is able to act a certain way and other kids are different. I do believe we can help our kids learn to control their emotions and that we shouldn't accept these kinds of fits when they happen. But I have adopted a new way of looking at others: I try to look at that poor mom whose kid is melting down and think, "She's doing the best she can." It may not be true- maybe this mom is really lax and just lets her kids get away with murder, and there is certainly no excuse for anything like abusing a child or neglect. But in the most general cases like the public melt-downs I'm talking about, I've decided to just leave it at that. "She's doing the best she can." There is no reason for me to pat myself on the back just because at that moment my kid is behaving better.

I actually just had another example where I really lost my temper with Seth at the gas station. I was on the way to take Eli to Children's Mercy for another GI appointment: Eli was screaming in his car seat and Seth was asking me a million questions. I got out to get gas, and as Seth asks for the millionth time if he can get out of the car, I scream, "No! I told you! And if you ask me again, you're getting a spanking!" It sounded horrible. I was exhausted, stressed to the max with a screaming baby in the car, and just not able to calmly explain anything to him at that moment. Not a good moment, and I think I got a few looks from others around me. But at that moment, I was doing the best I could.

I have more to say on this subject, but I just wanted to pass this on. I hope we can start looking at each other more and saying, "She's doing the best she can."