Adoption Questions, round 1

Seth in his referral picture (above)

Question 1: "Why did you guys adopt?" 
We've always tried to make it clear that adoption was our choice, but somehow some people missed this message.  We did not have infertility.  We had begun to talk and pray about starting our family, and at the same time, had some good friends talking to us about their desire to adopt (The Scheerers- who recently brought home two precious kids from Ethiopia).  There was an international adoption seminar at our church, so we attended.  I was so moved and excited about adoption, and after the seminar, it was all I talked about.  We talked about trying to get pregnant, and if that didn't work, we would adopt.  But I just kept talking about it, and finally, my husband said, "If we're so excited about adopting, why don't we start with that?"  It had never occured to me.  It immediately felt right.  We prayed about it and made our decision.  This leads me to a key point: some people think of adoption as a "second best option."  I tell people that adoption might be a second choice in some cases, but it is NEVER a second best way to have a family. 

Question 2: "With so many kids 'HERE' needing families, why did you get a 'FOREIGN' baby?"
I have to take several deep breaths after beings asked this question.  Mainly because it reeks of misinformation, biases, and a world-view that is skewed.  I have been asked this about 100 times, and of those 100, only one person was someone who actually worked for and was passionate about domestic adoption.  About 50 of the people were truly curious, and that's great.  But the other 49 or so have asked it with a spirit of contempt. 

My straight answer is this: Because God told us to. We were clearly led to international adoption, and God opened so many doors along the way that confirmed this was where we were supposed to be. 

My long answer is this: well, let me break it down. 

First, I'd ask the person questioning this: are you passionate about domestic adoption?  If so, I'd love to support you.  I believe EVERY child in the world deserves a family, not just children in the US.  And not just kids elsewhere. EVERY child. So if you want to adopt a child here, I will be your biggest cheerleader. Please do it. 

Secondly, if they aren't interested in adopting, I'd ask why it mattered so much that US kids get adopted first.  Does it come from a place of "we need to take care of our own", that so many people feel?  Somehow putting "Americans" ahead of the rest of the world, no matter how the others are suffering?  My son was born into a kind of poverty that we can't even comprehend.  Had he not been adopted, he would've grown up with no education, no prospects of a good career, and no help from his government.  He might've sold items on the street, like so many other kids we saw in Bogota.  He might've been kidnapped and taken in slavery into a guerilla army, which preys upon children with no parents to protect them. He might've been weilding an oozie by age 7.  Or maybe he just would've died from lack of food, healthcare, or water.  When I see suffering of this, I can't stand idly by and do nothing.  I feel the need to act.  I don't care what color or ethnicity. 

Thirdly, I'd ask if that person knows the actual statistics of orphans in the world.  A common figure used is that there are 143,000,000 orphans in the world.  143 MILLION.  In the US, there are approximately 500,000 kids in foster care.  Of those 500 THOUSAND, only 118,000 are available for adoption.  This means that most of the kids in the system have at least one living guardian who is working to have that child returned to their biological family.  In addition to that number, there are about 20,000 babies adopted each year, right from birth, in the US.  So you could add that together and say there are about 138,000 kids in the US needing homes.  Compare 143 MILLION to 138 THOUSAND.  What percent is that?  Not 10%, not 1%. It's not even 0.1%.  So it isn't like we walked past an orphanage full of crying babies down the street, and instead flew to Colombia to get Seth.  These types of places do not exist in the US anymore.  But they do in countries like China, Russia, Colombia, Ethiopia, Haiti, etc.  Any number of orphans, in my mind, in the world is deeply saddening and disturbing.  But if you just look at the numbers, the US is doing a good job of finding homes for kids who need them here.  This is not the case in the third-world countries, obviously.  There just are not millions of families in those countries willing and able to care for those children.  So I ask: if not us, then who will care for them?

Fourthly, I must say, the most disturbing part of that question for me is this:  It sometimes comes from someone who is seriously looking for a reason to say that what we did was wrong. Bad. Neglectful. Selfish. Prideful. Something.  But mostly, it comes from them working to make themselves feel better.  They look at what we and others have done and say, "oh man. maybe I should do something about this huge problem of parentless children in the world.  wait. I can't do that. it's too scary...expensive...time-consumming...etc." So they must find an excuse.  They have to find a reason that what we did isn't what they are going to do.  They know that no one is knocking on their door with an orphan, ready to hand over.  So they start to build a case as to why they never have to get out of their comfort zone and take a step forward to adoption.  And this is just the beginning of it.

I hope that clears up some questions for you.  Again, feel free to comment or message me with questions.  More to come...

Adoption Month 2011

August is a special month for our family.  As many of you know, in 2004 we began an adoption process that ended up taking about 3 times as long as we planned.  Despite our impatience, God had a fantastic plan for us and in August of 2007, our waiting ended.  We received "The Call" on August 7, 2007, and met our son, Seth, for the first time on August 30th that same year.  It was a time I would describe as nothing short of magical.  God showed us that despite our doubts, our struggles, and the questions of many people, He keeps His promises and he gave us the son we knew he had for us.

I am going to devote some time this month to blogging more about our experience, but also mostly about questions we get about adoption.  I also have some exciting news to share later this month concerning God's calling on our lives to help the cause of adoption in the world.

For now, I wanted to invite your questions. Many of you know our story, and there are probably questions on your mind about it. I am going to open this up and invite whatever questions you have, even running the risk that you might ask the "wrong" question or even sound offensive.  I want to help everyone understand what I feel is God's heart for adoption, and what it has meant for our family.

So please, if you have a question, leave a comment or message me.  If you want to ask it privately, you can send an email to me at erikaalbin32@gmail.com.  Please, go for it.  If it's a questions I see a lot, I will answer you and probably answer it here too.

Be watching for posts about this all month!

CARS philosophy

Awhile ago, my husband and I began talking about how it would help to have a set of words, or a philosophy statement, for making decisions for our boys.  We realize this might sound cheesy.  But there are so many things to focus on when raising kids, and I get easily confused about what is right.  For example, I really want Seth to play soccer.  He loves it at home, he is good at it, and it is good for kids to be on sports teams.  So we took him to a soccer clinic, and he wouldn't play at all. He clung to my husband's side and would only kick the ball with help.  I was, honestly, very angry with him. He has a hard time trying new things, and I get frustrated that he is missing opportunities.  We discussed whether or not we would sign him up (he cried the whole way there and most of the way home), and decided we'd give him a year and try again.  This decision was hard for me, and against most of my instincts: I wanted to push him, to drag him kicking and screaming, and MAKE him love it. 

I have shared before that I struggle with trying to control my children.  I know it's my role to instruct and shape them, and to put my foot down when needed.  But I cannot FORCE them to become someone they're not.  I do want to push them in some areas that might be outside of their comfort zones, but it's  a fine line.  Is it worth it to make a 4 year-old miserable and risk him hating soccer forever?

Anyway, we came up with an acronym that is going to help us in the next few years- these young, precious years- when they boys are so tender.  This philosophy will change as they age, but here's how we've decided to make decisions in the next few "young" years.

And it sounds silly. We came up with CARS because both of them love cars so much, but also because we already had C, R and S.  So we threw in the A, which turned out to be just as important.  So, at the risk of sounding cheesy and goofy, here's our CARS philosophy.  It's our responsibilities and focus for our wonderful boys for the next few years.


C- CHERISH.  We all know time goes fast. We all want to have memories and create great experiences for our kids.  But this is more about cherishing the every day moments with them. And cherishing who they are as silly, funny, little messy boys.  I want to soak it up and not miss it.  I don't want to turn around in 10 or 20 years and say I can't remember what Eli felt like in my arms after a bath, or what happened in my heart every morning when Seth woke up and ran in to tell me good morning.  I journal for this reason, but I also think of the Bible verse about how "Mary cherished all these things in her heart."  I want to cherish things in my heart, moment by moment, and not "miss" them.

A- ADMONISH.  This sounds harsh.  Admonishing is instruction for life, simply put. What we mean by this is that we want to take every teachable moment to guide them in the ways of the Lord.  We want to instruct them and discipline them appropriately.  Admonishing definitely has more to do with correcting and molding them than it does with saying NO or forcing them to behave.  Again, I tend to the control side, and want to make sure I am teaching them instead of having a heavy hand, so that, when I am not around, they have no idea how to behave. 

R- RESPECT. This is two-fold.  First, it's teaching them to be respectful.  This is everything from helping them learn to answer adults when they speak to them, to not tormenting the dogs, to respecting their own bodies by keeping clean, etc.  And secondly, since they are boys, I know respecting them is part of how they experience love.  Again, this does not mean we give them whatever they want.  It's not about always "respecting their wishes" if those wishes are not helpful or it they're ridiculous.  But it does mean to treat them like human beings. It means that we don't scream and yell at them, or put them down.  It's respecting their emotions and their ideas.  Respect is a huge part of teaching them to love others as they Jesus loves...by first demonstrating this by how we respect and love them. 

S- SECURE. Again, this means two things to us.  First it is just safety.  They are boys. They are young.  They think it's a good idea to do things like jump off the top of a set of concrete steps in their barefeet and swim trunks.  They don't have the ability to make safe choices- they are only seeing the fun and excitement of the experience.  I do not walk around behind them and hover all the time.  I do let them run and jump and even fall.  But we figured out early on that just because they are ABLE to do something (like climb on top of something) doesn't mean we should LET them.  I draw the line at fireworks and motorcycles. And secondly, we want them to feel secure in our love for them and for each other.  I read a great article about how kids who live with the low-level, constant anxiety of not knowing whether or not their family will stay together are affected in many ways- including their ability to learn and even grow well.  So we want to assure them that our family is forever and we will never stop loving them, even if they misbehave.

So back to the soccer example: I decided that forcing him to participate at this point would not be respectful or make him feel cherished.  It would tell him I did not care what he wanted to do, and that it matters to me more that he is on a team or "sportsy".  Again, I do feel that I will make a lot of decisions they don't agree with, and will even "make" them at least try things once in awhile.  With Seth, I know he won't voluntarily try things, and I will have to really encourage him to do things I know he'll end up liking. But at this point, it was not something that would've fit with our philosophy.  So we will wait and try again later. 

So there it is. I know it's probably basic parenting ideas to most of you. It just helps me to have a clear idea of our direction as parents. This isn't all-encompassing, but it is a start.

More about Milk/Soy issues

We are currently revisiting all of Eli's dairy and soy issues, and this article came out today. I have used the mentioned blog a ton to cook food for myself as Eli was a very young baby, and the recipes are awesome. But the article is a good reminder that the issues we've faced can really bring havoc to your family and cause a lot of struggle with a newborn. People often mention that their kids have dairy issues, but MSPI can be so bad if undiagnosed that it's more like severe colic, not just a little gas or fussiness. I held Eli non-stop for the first several months, and even then he wasn't content. It wasn't till I eliminated all dairy and soy that things changed at all.

Fussy Baby? It could be MSPI Metro Neighborhood News Omaha, NE

Eli Iron Update- 2 Months

This has been another crazy month for Mr. Elijah Boo (as we call him around here).  If I didn't know us, I wouldn't believe it.  Just to brief you: Eli has now been taking his iron supplement for a little over two months.  At the one month mark, I shared that he had been doing better, but then got an ear infection.  Well this ear infection ended up turning into a long, drawn- out illness that involved him breaking out into hives all over his body! The hives lasted almost 5 weeks! He was very sick for awhile and his sleep was definitely affected.  Here he is with the hives:

They weren't from his medication, and they were not a reaction to the iron.  The doctor believes they were just part of whatever virus he had that caused the ear infection. They were terrible and would just appear and disappear all over him. 

But I will share this. I would say out of the last 40 days, he has slept all through the night probably 10 nights! This is cause for celebration!  Even the times when he has been up, he is still doing so much better, like sleeping 6-7 hours straight, which he was not doing before.  I can detect virtually no limb movements. 

He is just doing so much better, and if we can keep him healthy, hopefully at the three month mark I can share even better news.  I am still so grateful for this amazing progress and God's provision for us.  It is such a difference when I can think sort of clearly and not be surrounded by a haze of exhaustion constantly.  It is such a comfort to watch him sleep on the video monitor and not see his legs and arms jerking.  He is at peace most of the time when he sleeps! Amazing! I can't stress enough the feeling of frustration when you watch your baby struggle to get comfortable and to REST.  I am thankful for these blessings of peace and rest.

And, as you might expect, he is so much happier in the daytime too! He was always a good-natured baby, but he has been so happy that I cannot explain it.  We laugh and play and giggle and have so much fun.  He plays and is happy.  I didn't realize how cranky he was simply from being exhausted, too.  Poor baby. I am so happy to see him happy!

Thanks for reading.  Check back for even more good news next month! 

It is hard for everyone!

This post is from Shannon....remember me, the lady with the non growing kids??? I have ridiculously neglected my end of the posts, but after reading Erika's previous posts on motherhood and struggles, I thought I would chime in as well.

Don't let anyone fool you by looking like they have it all together, especially moms that stay home most of the time with their kids. We all fall short of what we dreamed it would be like. Erika is absolutely right that parenting takes many sacrifices. Its not so much about losing your sense of self as it is redefining your sense of self. And even then, you'll be disappointed sometimes. From conversations I've had with other moms, I feel pretty confident that what I'm about to say applies to most moms. We cry, we lose our temper, we wear the same pair of jeans 3 days in a row, we use convenience food more often than we'd like, we let our kids watch too many videos, we cut corners on housekeeping, we neglect our husbands, our friends, and most certainly ourselves, we are not anywhere near perfect!

I think it is important that we voice our inadequacies to other moms or moms to be. So many people are worried about presenting the perfect picture to the outside world that when we do fail, it hits us that much harder. Being open and honest is one of the best ways we can offer support to our friends.

Yes, being a mom is incredibly rewarding. You get warm fuzzies, hugs, laughs, pictures for your fridge, endless bouquets of dandelions, and "I love you Mommy"! You also get to prepare 3 meals a day for multiple people and slip in a meal for yourself if you're lucky. You get to wash, fold and maybe put away endless piles of laundry. You get to sweep the floor only to have someone walk through the pile as your sweeping or track stuff in 5 minutes later. So many of our jobs NEVER END. But, I do know(or at least hope) that one day my kids are going to look back and say thank you.

My life as a mom began a lot differently than Erika's did. I had my first kid just after I turned 20 and was not married. I made a lot of mistakes, but have ended up with a pretty awesome 11 year old. I wish I had had the opportunity to marry first and have a few years with my husband to build a foundation, both in our relationship and our bank account, before having kids. I think Erika is correct in her encouragement to take some time before making the decision to start a family. Planning a kid is a luxury that I hope to have some day...if I can ever convince my husband that a 4th kid is a good idea!

So remember, next time you see that mom at the mall with the perfectly dressed and perfectly behaving kids, just think, "I bet her closets are an absolute disaster!"

Clarification of my thoughts on motherhood and struggle

Several of you read this post about my thoughts on rushing into having children.  I fear that some of my thoughts were misinterpreted. And maybe some of my general thoughts throughout this blog have been misinterpreted.  I want to clarify a few things.

Somehow through my posts, it may have sounded like I do not like children or do not enjoy being a mom.  I think this is happening because of my perspective on being real about my struggles.  As I've said, before I was a mom, I had the impression that most "good, Christian" moms just loved every second of being with their kids.  Baby time was wonderful and exciting and cute. There wasn't much talk of struggle, and if there was, it was general.  I wrongly assumed every minute would be happy.  For some reason I did not think much about the time between birth and school-age.  My husband and I read books and planned for how to handle older children and teenagers.  But nothing in the toddler-realm crossed my mind. 

I truly believe that this naivete caused me to be surprised, confused, and at times, depressed by my own struggles. I thought I was the only mom who got frustrated and upset when things weren't going well.  I thought I was the only one who did not have it all together.  So I wasn't dealing just with the usual "my baby pooped on me and I'm disgusted" frustrations- on top of it, I was having huge guilt that I couldn't just take those moments and smile and move on with little effort.

Talking about my struggles is freeing for me.  I also believe it makes me able to relate to others who are in the same life stage.  I do not mean to focus on them.  If you've gotten that impression, I am sorry.  I will try to focus more on the joy and less on the struggle, but I will not pretend that there aren't any trials at all.  I think talking about trials (of any kind) with others leads to freedom; otherwise you suppress things and they grow inside of you and lead to worse things. (A great book about this is Inside Out by Larry Crabb).

I believe that moms move mountains every day.  It involves a tremendous amount of effort, love, and management to run your home and care for your children.  And sacrifice.  So by me saying that, I think some people thought I meant I resented the sacrifice, which isn't true.  What I resent is this:

When people have the impression that this life is easy.  And they can just have kids, continue with their same lifestyle and commitments, dragging their kids with them without a thought for what the kids really need.  That their life won't change once they have kids.  That kids are an "accessory" to their life.  They think life won't be any different.  That is what frustrates me. 

I can't say I've always been perfect at this, but I believe you should treasure your children.  Cherish is the word we use at our house.  When it's time to have children, raising them should be on your mind, not just having a cute baby who goes everywhere with you. When it's time to have kids, you should be prepared to devote most of your life to them.  I am not saying you have to give up all your interests and activities (and you shouldn't), but you are not number 1 in your life anymore.  You have little people who are counting on you to make the best choices for them.  They need you.  They need your leadership, your affection, your TIME.  And it takes work.

With our first son, it was easy for me to not have to sacrifice much.  He was a ridiculously easy baby.  In every way.  I really didn't change my life too much, though I did quit working full-time and went part-time.  But he was so easy and relaxed. He slept in the pew at church and went everywhere with me.  Because he was so easy-going, I regret that I took advantage of this sometimes.  He would literally play in his playpen for hours- having a great time.  So I'd use that time to try and keep my house up, do whatever work I wanted, and catch up with friends.  At some point I realized I wasn't spending that much time doing things WITH him.  I had to train him to play with me because he was so content on his own. Once I did start having that focused time, I saw the benefits for both of us. He learned so much and showed his true personality. 

With our second son, it could not have been more different.  He has been tremendously demanding- not just personality-wise (though he did get my personality, poor kid), but medically and physically.  He had terrible GERD and milk-soy protein intolerance. I had to stop working all together for awhile to be there for him. I still have to give him lots of focused attention.  He does not go places well or "roll with the punches." On top of it, he has a sleep disorder and I haven't slept through the night in nearly 17 months.  He has taught me that my selfish desires and focuses do not matter anymore.  I have been to the depths emotionally and spiritually because of our situations with him. And I feel I've learned a lot. 

I had to learn to cherish my time with a screaming, wiggling, uncomfortable baby who did not allow me to leave the house for days.  Or sleep. Or eat what I wanted. Or see my friends. Or go to work.  Somehow God taught me to truly enjoy this time. To cherish it.  I think cherishing my kids is the biggest focus of my life now. I will try to do a post about what I mean by that later. 

My point in my last post was if you are not ready to put aside your own selfish desires, and have a realistic picture of what life might be like with kids, then you need to think more about it.  I would say the biggest thing you need is a teachable spirit.  Yes, that's it: are you willing to grow, learn, change and also serve your kids? It isn't all fun, but I guess I need to stress that it isn't BAD.  I didn't mean BAD when I wrote that post.  I just meant it can be hard. And as I've said before HARD does not always equal BAD. 

I hope that helps, and I hope you know I love my kids so much and enjoy them every day.  We laugh, dance, sing, play and snuggle. We are goofy and we are wild sometimes.  We run around and learn.  I have learned more about myself and life from them than I will ever be able to show them.  I am grateful and I am blessed.  I will try to say that more. 

The "Befores" and "Afters"

Before I had children, nothing would infuriate me more than when people would say "You don't understand because you don't have kids yet."  I would get so angry. I'd think, "I'm not an idiot. I can understand."  I would ask people to try and explain what they meant.  No one really could. I took that to mean that they just couldn't explain it well enough, and I probably really understood more than they thought.

Well I have news for the "before" me.  You didn't know jack.

I have recently been talking to several people who are thinking of having children, most of them who are young and haven't been married long. Since this is a common theme running through my life, I felt the need to address it. I believe now that nothing can prepare you, no one can tell you how hard it will be, and you will look back and be amazed by how many things you did not think of. 

***Before I continue, let me make my message clear: Have kids.  Do it.  It is a blessing, a wonder, a joy, a lifelong discovery of the amazing ways we were all created. I would never discourage people from having children, or from having as many kids as they think God wants to put in their family. ***

But think about it.  Pray about it.  Ask God to prepare your heart and soul and make you humble.  Consider if this time, right now, is the right time, or if maybe you can wait a year or two.  You will never be 100% ready. But look at your life: if you're already too busy and struggling and stressed to the max and trying to build or finish something, where is the room for that baby? What is going to give? What are you going to change? It's foolish to not consider these things, and it's irresponsible to not listen to the counsel of people who've been there- in any area of life, but especially the big areas.

A quote I love that hit home for me is, "The soul of parenting is sacrifice." Yep.  Not "fun" or "enjoyment" or "cuteness." Again, not that it's not worth it at the right time.  But ask yourself this, you childless person: do you regularly sacrifice your own desires, comfort, schedule, money, effort and time for anyone? I mean, every minute of every day and night? What about half of the time? What about 30 minutes a day? If you don't do any sacrificing now, are you prepared to become all about that?  And you might never be ready, but can you see why waiting a year or two might make it a little easier to do that?

Once you're a parent, you're a parent forever.  FOREVER.  Can forever wait a year or two?

I am a big believer in not wishing away time you've been given.  I know some people who have done life differently, and they're ok, but they have a lot of regrets.  My husband and I were together 4 years before we got married; we were married 5 years before our first child.  I would not trade that time.  I spent a lot of it wishing for the next stage to get here...hurry up already...come on...I should've been treasuring it.  I guess the good thing is it makes me treasure my time with my kids more now, realizing how I wished away that other time. But I still wish I'd known then to treasure our "kidless" time too.

So, in light of the way I hated not understanding what my friends with kids could not explain, here is my best shot at explaining some of it. Here is a BEFORE and AFTER picture of my life.

Before kids:  I woke up when I wanted.  Whether that was 6 AM to get in an early tennis game with my friend Megan, or 7:15 to shower before work, or 10 AM on the weekends because I was "sooooo exhausted." I ate breakfast and read the paper. I put on the clothes I wanted to and got all ready. I got to work on time most of the time.  I made lunch plans, and went to important meetings with fun people.  I came home from work and complained about having to grocery shop or clean up the house, which was actually already clean. I facebooked and internet surfed when I wanted to. I was "healthy" because I was in tune with my thoughts and behaviors. I hung out with my husband and our friends regularly, including dinners, bible studies, small groups, exercising, and scrapbooking. I was on important committees at church and doing "good" things. I went to bed early and watched whatever TV shows I wanted. I got a full night's sleep...or if it got briefly interrupted, I would be soooo exhausted the next day I would tell everyone about it.  I said things like, "I really need to say 'no' to people more" and "I need to get more rest." I took care of myself, whether that meant making sure to rest and eat right, or saying "no" to people I probably could've helped, or managing my schedule, or reading books to have things to discuss, or saving/spending money the way I wanted to.  I was all about self-protection, self-preservation and self-involvement, without even knowing it.

(Do you know it? Tomorrow, just look at all the things you do that are just about you.)

After having kids:  I wake up with a baby in bed with me, after a very stunted night's sleep.  I scarf breakfast and skim the paper. I nurse my baby for 20 minutes, which means I have about 20 minutes total to get myself ready before walking out the door on the days I have to work (no morning shower some days anymore). Not sure what clothes even exist in my closet, and I need to buy new shoes but can't get time to go do it. I take a kid to preschool (late) and walk into work (late).  I try not to feel guilty about this.  I work like a maniac in the time I'm there and leave much undone. I try not to worry about that. I rush back to preschool to pick up my kid. I rush home to nurse a baby and feed a kid and I eat some lunch.  NAPTIME (yay!) (for them, not me...I hurry to get a few things done around the house...what? oh, you see some scum on my kitchen floor...yep, no idea what that is...). Afternoon time: playtime. I don't have time to think about my "emotional or spiritual health." I struggle to get dinner made while my fussy baby cries and pulls at me and wants to be held.  Fail to make dinner: call husband to pick up dinner again.  Coax baby to eat, yell at 4 year old to stop throwing silverware (see how I'm not even using complete sentences anymore?). Remember that my friend texted me 4 hours earlier...text her back quickly and try to connect. Haven't hung out with her in months. Clean up dinner, maybe do some errands, which means husband has to stay with kids. Or he plays with them while I clean, or I play with them while he folds laundry.  BATHTIME and BEDTIME routine for them...an hour later they're asleep.  Try to decide if I want to do something (write a blog post) or sleep now before the baby wakes up in four hours.  Get a few hours sleep, up and down all night. There is no real kind of "rest." At some point in the night I remember that I have a meeting in the morning that I didn't prepare for. The scrapbooks are years behind, I have no idea what shows are on tv, I have no hobbies, no exercise (which doesn't help the self-esteem) I have only a few friends, I don't get to go out, we have no "extra" money.  We try to be regular attenders at church, but not much more is possible. My husband and I haven't been on a date in months. And this describes "normalcy", not exceptional days for sickness, crises, or just really really bad days. There are many more ways it's different, but my memory isn't what it used to be so I am not able to communiate perfectly.  Just another way being a "mommy" has changed me.

I am ok with this now. I don't mean to complain. But it's radically different than before.

Are you ready for RADICALLY different?

Again, don't miss my message: Those two amazing boys who are sleeping now are worth every ounce of "ME" I've had to sacrifice...a hundred times.  I am grateful for the changes in myself they've brought about. But it's HARD.  It's PAINFUL.  It's LIFE-ALTERING.

Why make it harder by jumping into it too soon or too casually or too blindly? It's not all sweetness and fun and cuteness and pie-in-the-sky "it will all be worth it" moments.  And here's my other message: Having a realistic picture of what it will be like isn't for YOU.  It's for THEM. 

It's so you aren't spending the first 3 years shell-shocked and distraut while your kids look to you for consistency, planning and comfort you can't give.  It's so you aren't forced to make decisions you don't want to make for them.  It's so you can be ready to treasure their tiny formative years and not just be looking at them to provide YOU with love and entertainment and the joy you expect. It's so you don't resent them when your life is rocked. YOU being ready is for THEM. 

Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I know it's not all-inclusive nor is it probably what you want to hear.  There are parts you will disagree with, and that's ok. You might be judging me.  That's ok too. You will understand one day...oh wait, that's what I hated hearing. I guess I didn't get anywhere.  But you can never say I didn't try.     

Great blog post (not by me!) about motherhood and kids

I am sharing a link to a blog I love. This specific blog post is about motherhood. This blog is about that and so much more...

This blog is amazing. It's written be Heather Hendricks, who, along with her husband Aaron and their 4 boys, up and moved their entire life to Haiti last year to serve as missionaries. Please take the time to check it out and read about what they're doing there. Amazing stuff. She is working at Heartline, a group that teaches women about prenatal care, breastfeeding and infant care in Haiti. This is revolutionary in my opinion, and I believe directly results in women keeping their babies and raising healthy children, as opposed to forcing them to give up their parental rights and have to place their children in orphanages because they have no other choice.

Again, this post is fantastic about the way we view children in general, and I am so guilty of thinking too small when it comes to God's plans for my life and my family. Enjoy these thoughts Heather shares from her mother in law.

Sit a Spell: Happy Mother's Day Even Though it's Father's Day

Eli Iron Update- 1 Month

Several people have asked me for an update related to Eli and his sleep, and I truly appreciate the interest and prayers for our family.  We started giving Eli the iron supplement right about 5 weeks ago.  It is very easy to give- just drops in his mouth- and he seems fine with it, despite all the warnings that it tastes terrible. He wont drink the juice he's supposed to have after (just plain apple- seriously, this child is so picky! He doesn't even like JUICE!), so we use a syringe to give some to him because it is supposed to help with absorption.

A few weeks after we started the iron, he started sleeping longer chunks, like 6-7 hours! And I noticed his sleep was so much more peaceful.  He even went almost 9 hours one night, and then, lo and behold, about a week ago he slept ALL NIGHT LONG! In his crib from 8:45 PM to 7:15 AM. Nothing even close to that had ever happened before! We were thrilled.

But such is Eli's life: he got sick the next day, was sick all through Easter weekend and into the next week, we took him to the doctor and he has a double ear infection.  So since getting sick, he's been up and down all night again. However, I am confident it's just the sickness and hopefully when he's well, he'll start trucking along the path he was on.  I got the same cold and have been sick for almost two weeks now too.  So it's a long one.

I would like to ask you to continue to pray. I am cautiously excited because it seems like the iron is helping and we are seeing progress. But at the same time I have some fears. I fear that even once he is ABLE to sleep all night, he won't because he's never had the training.  He is a very very busy kid and does not like to slow down. It's fair to say he doesn't like to sleep- like a lot of kids- but I also give him grace because who would like to sleep when your whole life it's been a terrible experience for you? Without sounding too self-absorbed, I guess these prayers are really for me: I am exhausted still.  I dream that one day it will be a normal event for us to put him down in his crib and to not see him again till morning.  I know we'll always have the usual "interruptions", but I'd love it if a good night's sleep was the norm. I have a little trouble believing we'll get there.  (Forgive me, Lord, I am tired!)

I will give another update in about a month and hopefully we'll have fantastic results to share! Thank you again for caring about our family.

Answers

Today is a great day. Today we got the results of Eli's Sleep Study. We've already started calling it "Diagnosis Day", but before I get ahead of myself, let me catch you up on what we've been going through the last several months.

You may have read my previous posts on Eli's stomach troubles: Reflux, Milk/Soy Protein Intolerance, colon inflammation, etc.  Around last November we felt that these things were pretty under control.  One outstanding issue remained: Eli has always been a terrible sleeper.  Other than that, he was a happy, healthy, growing, funny, kid.

When I say he was a terrible sleeper, I know it sounds dramatic.  Babies are infamous for keeping their parents up at night, right? And often, these issues can be behavioral.  But Eli was up 5, 10, 15 times a night, squirming, crying, fussing, TRYING to get back to sleep.  He would even lay in my arms and fuss, seemingly uncomfortable. I had always blamed his stomach issues, and to a point, I think we were right. As he has gotten older, and these problems have persisted, I was starting to feel like we must be doing something wrong with this sleep. But just to be sure, I plunged myself into reading all kids of sleep books, reading blogs, taking advice from others, and any other way of acquiring information I could on babies and sleep.

I would not consider myself an expert, but I kept having this nagging feeling that Eli did not fit into any of the categories.  We did all the "textbook" stuff right.  We had a great nighttime routine, we put Eli down to sleep in his crib awake, and he would put himself to sleep after just a few minutes of fussing or talking.  And of the 15 times a night he woke up and cried out or squirmed, he would go back to sleep on his own about 12 of those times.  We did not give him chocolate or caffeine or let him watch too much TV.  He played hard all day and we made sure he got all his energy out.  Things just were not adding up. And while this was concerning and tiring, I had grown accustomed to getting such choppy sleep and being zombie-like. Some night the most consecutive sleep I got was an hour and a half. I kind of accepted that this was just our life till...whenever he would magically grow out of it, I guess. Mostly I hated talking about it because it made me feel like I was either stupid or crazy.

Finally, at his one year appointment, our pediatrician dropped a bomb on me. She asked about his sleep and I answered honestly. After listening, she said, "This is not right. He needs to see a sleep specialist."  I can't really explain why this upset me so much. Maybe because I assumed a sleep specialist's job was to lecture me on my parenting skills and tell me what I was doing wrong. Or to tell me to leave my baby to cry all night in his crib and that would "fix" him.  I actually put off making the appointment, but finally we had it scheduled for late February. Off to Children's Mercy we went again, this time to the Sleep Clinic and Nurse Practitioner Jamie Neal.

I wisely took some video of him sleeping with us to the appointment. She heard our whole story, watched the video, took notes, asked questions, and I held my breath.  All my worrying was in vain.  She was sort of perplexed, but assured me that this did not seem to be a behavioral issue. From the video, she said she saw some strange movements in his sleep. She mentioned a disorder I hadn't heard of before: Periodic Limb Movement Disorder (PLMD). This had something to do with iron in the blood, but I didn't really understand. She decided to consult with another doctor and said she'd call back. In general, we walked out of the appointment disappointed. I think we thought she'd have a quick, magic answer. And I didn't know about her limb-movement theory.  However, that very night, as I held Eli in the night while he was trying to sleep, I noticed his foot flick. Then a wrist. Then his whole leg would twitch. This went on for 20 minutes. How could I have not noticed this before? (Answer: the zombie state of sleep-deprivation in myself that I mentioned before).

A few weeks later, again, I felt like a bomb got dropped on us when Jamie called to say Eli needed to have a sleep study.  Oh, and it would be 3 months before we could get in.  WHAT? 3 more months of no sleep, PLUS then having to go through a sleep study? With a toddler? The good news was they had a cancellation policy and the sleep study clinic said I could call every day we were available to try and get in.  So you know what I did- I called EVERY DAY.  We actually got in in less than a week! This was an immediate sign to me that God was guiding this and we were on the right track.

The sleep study was a nightmare. I am glad we didn't have to wait longer because if I'd researched it more, I would've chickened out.  Eli did about as well as you could hope for in a 15 month old baby. But they had to hook him up to all kinds of wires and electrodes all over his body, in addition to wrapping up his face with this tape stuff.  There were 26 probes, an oxygen/carbon dioxide monitor in his nose, a video camera on the crib all night, and the whole room had audio recording.  I got to sleep in a bed next to his crib, but I use the term "sleep" loosely.  He did sleep some, but woke up crying tons (like usual), but was more upset than usual because of the stuff all over him.  It's so hard to not "help" your child when they want it- he wanted me to take all that stuff off of him and I couldn't. But I knew we had to persevere.  And in the morning, the nurse said she thought I should know they got lots of good data and did see lots of unusual movements, so she assured me it was worth our time bringing him in.

The crazy thing about sleep studies is that they take the data from the electrodes, nasal-thing (actual term), audio and video, and compile it into this huge report that takes 30 SECONDS of data and puts it on ONE PAGE.  The reports are thousands of pages long. And someone reads them and scores them and then figures it all out.  Crazy.

Finally, after three weeks of waiting, Jamie called today with the official diagnosis.  And, as she suspected, he has PLMD.  I guess that a "normal" number of what they call cluster movements in one hour is 5. On average, Eli had 14.6. Nearly 3 times the normal levels. And from the brain data, they could tell that's what wakes him up.  Also, his blood work backed up the fact that while his iron levels are fine, his ferritin levels are way low.  They want them to be at 50 and he is at 6.  Ferritin has to do with storage and release of iron, and iron has to do with (drumroll please) controlling limb movements. So the blood work backed up the sleep study data. The best part is that it's an easy fix: we just have to do an iron supplement. 

I was over-the-moon happy.  It felt like freedom. It felt like justification. It felt like I could finally scream to the world "I'm not crazy!"   It was such an answer to prayer. Not just my out loud, long-time prayer for Eli to sleep; it was also the answer to the humiliated, failure-wracked, struggling, small voice inside of me, barely able to beg God to intervene.  But He heard me, and though the journey to this place has been long and winding, I am thankful to be here.

So we will start the iron supplement tomorrow, and I guess it can take up to a month to build up and give results.  That's ok with me. I can rest happily tonight with the knowledge that the mom in me has been doing the right stuff by loving my baby and trying to get him the best sleep possible, and I didn't somehow mess him up in the process.  Hopefully these answers will lead to rest for us all, and a renewed sense that I am not crazy. At least not in this way.  

Parenting Taboos

Many thanks to my sister Katy for sending me this video.  It's lengthy, but I encourage you to watch it to the end.  I could write about 15 blog posts from this video alone.  Overall, the point I agree the most with is that we as parents need to be talking more about our true feelings.  And while our own personal happiness is, in my opinion, not always the goal of life, I think that their idea that having realistic expectations sets us up for more happiness is very valid.  I'll throw in a cute picture of my kids (in their "lumberjack shirts") here to encourage you to read on...

Before I was a parent, I can honestly say I gave very little thought to the time period between ages 6 months and 5 years.  Everyone always said things like, "Oh, being at home with kids was the best time of my life!"; "It's such a sweet stage!"; "Enjoy every minute, it goes so fast!"  Now that I'm in that time period, it sometimes seems awful, frantic, stressful, and so so so slow.  Not that there aren't periods of joy and awesomeness, and I am extremely thankful and I feel exceptionally blessed.  But happy? Not always. And, like this video points out, it seems to be taboo to say so.  I've even had honest people refer to this time period as "the dark days" of their lives. Where were these people before?  Hiding behind the very real taboo that saying things like this would make them out to be horrible people and even worse parents.  And I know that not to be the case from how much they truly love their children and have sacrificed, loved, and brought them up in immeasurably good ways.

I agree with the idea from the video that saying these things and being open is the best path to all of us raising the happiness quotient of our lives.  After all, I always do better when people validate my feelings and encourage me on, rather than lie about their circumstances (not that everyone who's happy is lying...just most of them. ha ha).  Anyway, please take a minute (or 17) and watch this video and leave your thoughts as comments. 
Here's the link to the video:
Let's Talk Parenting Taboos