It is hard for everyone!

This post is from Shannon....remember me, the lady with the non growing kids??? I have ridiculously neglected my end of the posts, but after reading Erika's previous posts on motherhood and struggles, I thought I would chime in as well.

Don't let anyone fool you by looking like they have it all together, especially moms that stay home most of the time with their kids. We all fall short of what we dreamed it would be like. Erika is absolutely right that parenting takes many sacrifices. Its not so much about losing your sense of self as it is redefining your sense of self. And even then, you'll be disappointed sometimes. From conversations I've had with other moms, I feel pretty confident that what I'm about to say applies to most moms. We cry, we lose our temper, we wear the same pair of jeans 3 days in a row, we use convenience food more often than we'd like, we let our kids watch too many videos, we cut corners on housekeeping, we neglect our husbands, our friends, and most certainly ourselves, we are not anywhere near perfect!

I think it is important that we voice our inadequacies to other moms or moms to be. So many people are worried about presenting the perfect picture to the outside world that when we do fail, it hits us that much harder. Being open and honest is one of the best ways we can offer support to our friends.

Yes, being a mom is incredibly rewarding. You get warm fuzzies, hugs, laughs, pictures for your fridge, endless bouquets of dandelions, and "I love you Mommy"! You also get to prepare 3 meals a day for multiple people and slip in a meal for yourself if you're lucky. You get to wash, fold and maybe put away endless piles of laundry. You get to sweep the floor only to have someone walk through the pile as your sweeping or track stuff in 5 minutes later. So many of our jobs NEVER END. But, I do know(or at least hope) that one day my kids are going to look back and say thank you.

My life as a mom began a lot differently than Erika's did. I had my first kid just after I turned 20 and was not married. I made a lot of mistakes, but have ended up with a pretty awesome 11 year old. I wish I had had the opportunity to marry first and have a few years with my husband to build a foundation, both in our relationship and our bank account, before having kids. I think Erika is correct in her encouragement to take some time before making the decision to start a family. Planning a kid is a luxury that I hope to have some day...if I can ever convince my husband that a 4th kid is a good idea!

So remember, next time you see that mom at the mall with the perfectly dressed and perfectly behaving kids, just think, "I bet her closets are an absolute disaster!"

Clarification of my thoughts on motherhood and struggle

Several of you read this post about my thoughts on rushing into having children.  I fear that some of my thoughts were misinterpreted. And maybe some of my general thoughts throughout this blog have been misinterpreted.  I want to clarify a few things.

Somehow through my posts, it may have sounded like I do not like children or do not enjoy being a mom.  I think this is happening because of my perspective on being real about my struggles.  As I've said, before I was a mom, I had the impression that most "good, Christian" moms just loved every second of being with their kids.  Baby time was wonderful and exciting and cute. There wasn't much talk of struggle, and if there was, it was general.  I wrongly assumed every minute would be happy.  For some reason I did not think much about the time between birth and school-age.  My husband and I read books and planned for how to handle older children and teenagers.  But nothing in the toddler-realm crossed my mind. 

I truly believe that this naivete caused me to be surprised, confused, and at times, depressed by my own struggles. I thought I was the only mom who got frustrated and upset when things weren't going well.  I thought I was the only one who did not have it all together.  So I wasn't dealing just with the usual "my baby pooped on me and I'm disgusted" frustrations- on top of it, I was having huge guilt that I couldn't just take those moments and smile and move on with little effort.

Talking about my struggles is freeing for me.  I also believe it makes me able to relate to others who are in the same life stage.  I do not mean to focus on them.  If you've gotten that impression, I am sorry.  I will try to focus more on the joy and less on the struggle, but I will not pretend that there aren't any trials at all.  I think talking about trials (of any kind) with others leads to freedom; otherwise you suppress things and they grow inside of you and lead to worse things. (A great book about this is Inside Out by Larry Crabb).

I believe that moms move mountains every day.  It involves a tremendous amount of effort, love, and management to run your home and care for your children.  And sacrifice.  So by me saying that, I think some people thought I meant I resented the sacrifice, which isn't true.  What I resent is this:

When people have the impression that this life is easy.  And they can just have kids, continue with their same lifestyle and commitments, dragging their kids with them without a thought for what the kids really need.  That their life won't change once they have kids.  That kids are an "accessory" to their life.  They think life won't be any different.  That is what frustrates me. 

I can't say I've always been perfect at this, but I believe you should treasure your children.  Cherish is the word we use at our house.  When it's time to have children, raising them should be on your mind, not just having a cute baby who goes everywhere with you. When it's time to have kids, you should be prepared to devote most of your life to them.  I am not saying you have to give up all your interests and activities (and you shouldn't), but you are not number 1 in your life anymore.  You have little people who are counting on you to make the best choices for them.  They need you.  They need your leadership, your affection, your TIME.  And it takes work.

With our first son, it was easy for me to not have to sacrifice much.  He was a ridiculously easy baby.  In every way.  I really didn't change my life too much, though I did quit working full-time and went part-time.  But he was so easy and relaxed. He slept in the pew at church and went everywhere with me.  Because he was so easy-going, I regret that I took advantage of this sometimes.  He would literally play in his playpen for hours- having a great time.  So I'd use that time to try and keep my house up, do whatever work I wanted, and catch up with friends.  At some point I realized I wasn't spending that much time doing things WITH him.  I had to train him to play with me because he was so content on his own. Once I did start having that focused time, I saw the benefits for both of us. He learned so much and showed his true personality. 

With our second son, it could not have been more different.  He has been tremendously demanding- not just personality-wise (though he did get my personality, poor kid), but medically and physically.  He had terrible GERD and milk-soy protein intolerance. I had to stop working all together for awhile to be there for him. I still have to give him lots of focused attention.  He does not go places well or "roll with the punches." On top of it, he has a sleep disorder and I haven't slept through the night in nearly 17 months.  He has taught me that my selfish desires and focuses do not matter anymore.  I have been to the depths emotionally and spiritually because of our situations with him. And I feel I've learned a lot. 

I had to learn to cherish my time with a screaming, wiggling, uncomfortable baby who did not allow me to leave the house for days.  Or sleep. Or eat what I wanted. Or see my friends. Or go to work.  Somehow God taught me to truly enjoy this time. To cherish it.  I think cherishing my kids is the biggest focus of my life now. I will try to do a post about what I mean by that later. 

My point in my last post was if you are not ready to put aside your own selfish desires, and have a realistic picture of what life might be like with kids, then you need to think more about it.  I would say the biggest thing you need is a teachable spirit.  Yes, that's it: are you willing to grow, learn, change and also serve your kids? It isn't all fun, but I guess I need to stress that it isn't BAD.  I didn't mean BAD when I wrote that post.  I just meant it can be hard. And as I've said before HARD does not always equal BAD. 

I hope that helps, and I hope you know I love my kids so much and enjoy them every day.  We laugh, dance, sing, play and snuggle. We are goofy and we are wild sometimes.  We run around and learn.  I have learned more about myself and life from them than I will ever be able to show them.  I am grateful and I am blessed.  I will try to say that more. 

The "Befores" and "Afters"

Before I had children, nothing would infuriate me more than when people would say "You don't understand because you don't have kids yet."  I would get so angry. I'd think, "I'm not an idiot. I can understand."  I would ask people to try and explain what they meant.  No one really could. I took that to mean that they just couldn't explain it well enough, and I probably really understood more than they thought.

Well I have news for the "before" me.  You didn't know jack.

I have recently been talking to several people who are thinking of having children, most of them who are young and haven't been married long. Since this is a common theme running through my life, I felt the need to address it. I believe now that nothing can prepare you, no one can tell you how hard it will be, and you will look back and be amazed by how many things you did not think of. 

***Before I continue, let me make my message clear: Have kids.  Do it.  It is a blessing, a wonder, a joy, a lifelong discovery of the amazing ways we were all created. I would never discourage people from having children, or from having as many kids as they think God wants to put in their family. ***

But think about it.  Pray about it.  Ask God to prepare your heart and soul and make you humble.  Consider if this time, right now, is the right time, or if maybe you can wait a year or two.  You will never be 100% ready. But look at your life: if you're already too busy and struggling and stressed to the max and trying to build or finish something, where is the room for that baby? What is going to give? What are you going to change? It's foolish to not consider these things, and it's irresponsible to not listen to the counsel of people who've been there- in any area of life, but especially the big areas.

A quote I love that hit home for me is, "The soul of parenting is sacrifice." Yep.  Not "fun" or "enjoyment" or "cuteness." Again, not that it's not worth it at the right time.  But ask yourself this, you childless person: do you regularly sacrifice your own desires, comfort, schedule, money, effort and time for anyone? I mean, every minute of every day and night? What about half of the time? What about 30 minutes a day? If you don't do any sacrificing now, are you prepared to become all about that?  And you might never be ready, but can you see why waiting a year or two might make it a little easier to do that?

Once you're a parent, you're a parent forever.  FOREVER.  Can forever wait a year or two?

I am a big believer in not wishing away time you've been given.  I know some people who have done life differently, and they're ok, but they have a lot of regrets.  My husband and I were together 4 years before we got married; we were married 5 years before our first child.  I would not trade that time.  I spent a lot of it wishing for the next stage to get here...hurry up already...come on...I should've been treasuring it.  I guess the good thing is it makes me treasure my time with my kids more now, realizing how I wished away that other time. But I still wish I'd known then to treasure our "kidless" time too.

So, in light of the way I hated not understanding what my friends with kids could not explain, here is my best shot at explaining some of it. Here is a BEFORE and AFTER picture of my life.

Before kids:  I woke up when I wanted.  Whether that was 6 AM to get in an early tennis game with my friend Megan, or 7:15 to shower before work, or 10 AM on the weekends because I was "sooooo exhausted." I ate breakfast and read the paper. I put on the clothes I wanted to and got all ready. I got to work on time most of the time.  I made lunch plans, and went to important meetings with fun people.  I came home from work and complained about having to grocery shop or clean up the house, which was actually already clean. I facebooked and internet surfed when I wanted to. I was "healthy" because I was in tune with my thoughts and behaviors. I hung out with my husband and our friends regularly, including dinners, bible studies, small groups, exercising, and scrapbooking. I was on important committees at church and doing "good" things. I went to bed early and watched whatever TV shows I wanted. I got a full night's sleep...or if it got briefly interrupted, I would be soooo exhausted the next day I would tell everyone about it.  I said things like, "I really need to say 'no' to people more" and "I need to get more rest." I took care of myself, whether that meant making sure to rest and eat right, or saying "no" to people I probably could've helped, or managing my schedule, or reading books to have things to discuss, or saving/spending money the way I wanted to.  I was all about self-protection, self-preservation and self-involvement, without even knowing it.

(Do you know it? Tomorrow, just look at all the things you do that are just about you.)

After having kids:  I wake up with a baby in bed with me, after a very stunted night's sleep.  I scarf breakfast and skim the paper. I nurse my baby for 20 minutes, which means I have about 20 minutes total to get myself ready before walking out the door on the days I have to work (no morning shower some days anymore). Not sure what clothes even exist in my closet, and I need to buy new shoes but can't get time to go do it. I take a kid to preschool (late) and walk into work (late).  I try not to feel guilty about this.  I work like a maniac in the time I'm there and leave much undone. I try not to worry about that. I rush back to preschool to pick up my kid. I rush home to nurse a baby and feed a kid and I eat some lunch.  NAPTIME (yay!) (for them, not me...I hurry to get a few things done around the house...what? oh, you see some scum on my kitchen floor...yep, no idea what that is...). Afternoon time: playtime. I don't have time to think about my "emotional or spiritual health." I struggle to get dinner made while my fussy baby cries and pulls at me and wants to be held.  Fail to make dinner: call husband to pick up dinner again.  Coax baby to eat, yell at 4 year old to stop throwing silverware (see how I'm not even using complete sentences anymore?). Remember that my friend texted me 4 hours earlier...text her back quickly and try to connect. Haven't hung out with her in months. Clean up dinner, maybe do some errands, which means husband has to stay with kids. Or he plays with them while I clean, or I play with them while he folds laundry.  BATHTIME and BEDTIME routine for them...an hour later they're asleep.  Try to decide if I want to do something (write a blog post) or sleep now before the baby wakes up in four hours.  Get a few hours sleep, up and down all night. There is no real kind of "rest." At some point in the night I remember that I have a meeting in the morning that I didn't prepare for. The scrapbooks are years behind, I have no idea what shows are on tv, I have no hobbies, no exercise (which doesn't help the self-esteem) I have only a few friends, I don't get to go out, we have no "extra" money.  We try to be regular attenders at church, but not much more is possible. My husband and I haven't been on a date in months. And this describes "normalcy", not exceptional days for sickness, crises, or just really really bad days. There are many more ways it's different, but my memory isn't what it used to be so I am not able to communiate perfectly.  Just another way being a "mommy" has changed me.

I am ok with this now. I don't mean to complain. But it's radically different than before.

Are you ready for RADICALLY different?

Again, don't miss my message: Those two amazing boys who are sleeping now are worth every ounce of "ME" I've had to sacrifice...a hundred times.  I am grateful for the changes in myself they've brought about. But it's HARD.  It's PAINFUL.  It's LIFE-ALTERING.

Why make it harder by jumping into it too soon or too casually or too blindly? It's not all sweetness and fun and cuteness and pie-in-the-sky "it will all be worth it" moments.  And here's my other message: Having a realistic picture of what it will be like isn't for YOU.  It's for THEM. 

It's so you aren't spending the first 3 years shell-shocked and distraut while your kids look to you for consistency, planning and comfort you can't give.  It's so you aren't forced to make decisions you don't want to make for them.  It's so you can be ready to treasure their tiny formative years and not just be looking at them to provide YOU with love and entertainment and the joy you expect. It's so you don't resent them when your life is rocked. YOU being ready is for THEM. 

Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I know it's not all-inclusive nor is it probably what you want to hear.  There are parts you will disagree with, and that's ok. You might be judging me.  That's ok too. You will understand one day...oh wait, that's what I hated hearing. I guess I didn't get anywhere.  But you can never say I didn't try.     

Great blog post (not by me!) about motherhood and kids

I am sharing a link to a blog I love. This specific blog post is about motherhood. This blog is about that and so much more...

This blog is amazing. It's written be Heather Hendricks, who, along with her husband Aaron and their 4 boys, up and moved their entire life to Haiti last year to serve as missionaries. Please take the time to check it out and read about what they're doing there. Amazing stuff. She is working at Heartline, a group that teaches women about prenatal care, breastfeeding and infant care in Haiti. This is revolutionary in my opinion, and I believe directly results in women keeping their babies and raising healthy children, as opposed to forcing them to give up their parental rights and have to place their children in orphanages because they have no other choice.

Again, this post is fantastic about the way we view children in general, and I am so guilty of thinking too small when it comes to God's plans for my life and my family. Enjoy these thoughts Heather shares from her mother in law.

Sit a Spell: Happy Mother's Day Even Though it's Father's Day

Eli Iron Update- 1 Month

Several people have asked me for an update related to Eli and his sleep, and I truly appreciate the interest and prayers for our family.  We started giving Eli the iron supplement right about 5 weeks ago.  It is very easy to give- just drops in his mouth- and he seems fine with it, despite all the warnings that it tastes terrible. He wont drink the juice he's supposed to have after (just plain apple- seriously, this child is so picky! He doesn't even like JUICE!), so we use a syringe to give some to him because it is supposed to help with absorption.

A few weeks after we started the iron, he started sleeping longer chunks, like 6-7 hours! And I noticed his sleep was so much more peaceful.  He even went almost 9 hours one night, and then, lo and behold, about a week ago he slept ALL NIGHT LONG! In his crib from 8:45 PM to 7:15 AM. Nothing even close to that had ever happened before! We were thrilled.

But such is Eli's life: he got sick the next day, was sick all through Easter weekend and into the next week, we took him to the doctor and he has a double ear infection.  So since getting sick, he's been up and down all night again. However, I am confident it's just the sickness and hopefully when he's well, he'll start trucking along the path he was on.  I got the same cold and have been sick for almost two weeks now too.  So it's a long one.

I would like to ask you to continue to pray. I am cautiously excited because it seems like the iron is helping and we are seeing progress. But at the same time I have some fears. I fear that even once he is ABLE to sleep all night, he won't because he's never had the training.  He is a very very busy kid and does not like to slow down. It's fair to say he doesn't like to sleep- like a lot of kids- but I also give him grace because who would like to sleep when your whole life it's been a terrible experience for you? Without sounding too self-absorbed, I guess these prayers are really for me: I am exhausted still.  I dream that one day it will be a normal event for us to put him down in his crib and to not see him again till morning.  I know we'll always have the usual "interruptions", but I'd love it if a good night's sleep was the norm. I have a little trouble believing we'll get there.  (Forgive me, Lord, I am tired!)

I will give another update in about a month and hopefully we'll have fantastic results to share! Thank you again for caring about our family.