Alone?

This past weekend I was having a conversation with a mom who is older than me. Her kids are mostly grown and out of the house. So I'd consider her a "generation" ahead of me.  I was telling her how hard this season of life has been for me, how tired I am, and how it gets very lonely. I said that many of my friends are in the same life stage, and they can't help me much. In addition, many of my family members are in hard life stages too, or just seriously busy with real life things. I was basically complaining that I don't have enough help- not blaming anyone around me- but the reality is just that I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders and feel like there aren't many who can help me.

Her response was surprising, and I don't think I quite agree. She said she had been through the same thing. She said she didn't have any help when she was raising kids, and she lived far from her family. But instead of commiserating with me, she said, "I think that's what every mom has to go through. I think it's just our cross to bear and something we have to deal with."

I didn't know what to say. On one hand, she's right. My kids are my job. I am not looking to pawn that off on someone else. I love taking care of them and spending time with them. But on the other hand- it is really hard. Wrangling a toddler, entertaining a preschooler, cooking, cleaning, organizing, trying to have a real conversation with my husband- not to mention trying to have any kind of outside social contact. Sleep deprived, losing so much weight my skinny jeans now fall off of me, trying to work part-time, filling our days with educational activities and fun...does it have to be so hard?

I got my answer later that day. We returned home from being out of town and had a surprise. My mom had spent 6+ hours at my house while we were gone- cleaning it. She vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed, etc. She had cleaned the filth off my bathroom floor. She organized my kitchen towel drawer.  She even left a crockpot full of vegetable beef stew, so that when we got home with two fussy kids, I wouldn't have to make dinner.

THAT'S what I am talking about. Every now and then, I need someone to pull me out of whatever small pit I am sinking down into. For me, recently it was the crazy mess my house was in. (For those of you who know me, you know I cannot stand clutter and filth- I've had to let go of much of that since having kids, but I still can't stand it). Having a clean house suddenly gave me the energy and enthusiasm for getting up the next day to face my little world. That's the kind of help I need once in awhile.

Some days it just feels hard, some days it really IS hard, and other days it's not so bad. Some people are naturals at this "raising small kids" stuff- I am not. It's hard for me. I tell people who are good at it that it's like if I asked them to suddenly go teach a subject in a high school that they aren't familiar with- like Calculus or French IV. I sometimes feel like I'm in an unfamiliar world with no prior life experience. I need help of all kinds.

So I don't believe we should try and face this life stage alone. I don't believe we should put our heads down and bear our crosses alone. I don't think that's how God intended it. This means three things:

1. We need to ask for help sometimes. Not just hints or complaining. I feel like if I'd asked my mom to clean my house before this, she probably would've said yes.
2. We need to look for ways to rescue each other sometimes. Even with our own full crazy lives, we need to constantly seek ways to help another mom not completely lose it. Even if it's just a phone call or quick text. We need to remind each other that we aren't alone.
3. We need to all look out for each other- maybe we can't be the one to go clean someone else's house, but we need to find those who can do it and ask on behalf of our friends. I am thinking about trying to figure out a way to help connect those who are willing to help with those who need it. I'd love ideas here...

So I think I can say that I totally disagree with what that other person said to me. I don't think we need to just deal with it. I think we need help and need to help each other. I know I'm still going to be the one up with my baby in the night, but a crockpot of soup sure helps me get through that once in awhile.

Your thoughts? post them below...

Katie's Growth Update/ Weaning Update

A little late, but as promised, here is what we found out at Katie's one year well check. She is in the lowest possible percentile, less than 3%. She weighed 16 pounds 5 ounces, which was an increase of about 3 pounds in 3 months. She also grew in her height and head circumference. The doctor asked me try to increase her milk intake during the day to at least 18 ounces and to put either ovaltine or carnation instant breakfast in her milk, both of which I have done.

I was holding on to her last breastfeeding session, which was the middle of the night one. I was afraid that if I cut this out that she would lose out on some much needed fat and calories. I figured if she was still waking for it, she must need it. I was wrong. The doctor told me that she was perfectly capable of sleeping up to 12 hours at night and was most likely just using the night feeding for comfort. I swear, she heard and understood him. For the next two nights, she slept 11 hours straight and skipped the night feeding. Night 3 was a different story. She woke around 3 AM. At first I tried to let her cry it out(CIO). She did, but woke a few minutes later. Then I tried picking her up and rocking her for a bit and laying her back down. She would have none of that. I tried walking around the house with her, which kept her quiet, but I was exhausted. I was fully committed to cutting out her middle of the night feeding, but by 5:30 AM I couldn't take it anymore. I made her a cup of milk and sat down to let her drink it. By this time, everyone else in the house was up too. We put in a movie and put some blankets on the floor to lay down. Katie and I laid on the couch and she finally went back to sleep at 6:30. It was NOT fun, especially when I had to get up a couple hours later and go serve in the nursery at church. Needless to say, I skipped the shower that morning and opted for a little extra sleep.

This has happened two times since then, but most nights she will sleep 11 hours. The first time it happened I tried CIO first, then went straight to the milk. After drinking about 4 ounces, I went through our lay down routine and she went back to sleep for the rest of the night. Last night I let her CIO and she made it through the rest of the night. So, Katie is fully weaned from breastfeeding and if it weren't for the puppy that I talked my husband into getting, I would be sleeping through the night most nights.

As for Katie's growth, her doctor and I are happy with her progress for now and will continue to keep an eye on her. As long as she is eating good and grows proportionally, there really are no real concerns.

Mourning the loss of a friend

Bummer of a title, I know, but that's what I feel like. Last night, Brayden informed us that Guido, his imaginary friend for as long as I can remember, is not real. Here is how our conversation went:

Steph: Get Guido to whistle.

Brayden: Guido isn't real.

Me: What?!?

Brayden: Guido isn't real.

Me: Then what have I been picking up off the ground, giving a bath to, and putting lotion on all this time?

Brayden: Uh, the air.

Ohhh, my heart was broken. Really not for losing Guido, which really could be a pain to play along with sometimes, but for another step in the loss of Brayden's youth. Most of the time this happens in baby steps, like preferring Batman to Elmo or suddenly realizing that he can button up his pajamas all by himself. Losing Guido felt like a leap to me. A sure sign that he isn't a little boy anymore, but a kid.

Ironically, at this same time, I find myself wishing that Katie would just learn to walk and get it over with. For one thing, she is ruining the knees in her pants and the tops of her socks. Mostly though, I'm ready to be done with crawling. She's been doing it since she was 6 months old and I'm ready for the next milestone.

If only we could pick and choose the things our kids let go of as they were getting older. A great wish, but surely one that would never work. Soon, I'll get over myself and the sweet little boy I wish I could hold onto forever and embrace the awesome kid he is becoming.

A quick related story: Today after lunch the kids and I were dancing in the kitchen when a fun song came on the radio. I put Katie down and went over to scoop Brayden up to dance with him. He said, "I'm too big to hold you me." We'll just see if that's the case the next time he falls down and gets hurt. I'm betting not!

Puzzles

Having two kids.  Wow.  Not what I expected.

My husband came up with the perfect analogy. He said it's like jigsaw puzzles.  Hang in there with me for a minute as I explain.

You can have a jigsaw puzzle with 4 pieces. My son Seth just graduated to 6- and 8-piece puzzles. Then there are 8000 piece puzzles...maybe more. If you've done a 4-piece jigsaw puzzle, you might have a point of reference for doing an 8-piece puzzle..but still, the picture is different. And once you get to bigger puzzles, you probably have a strategy for doing them: straight-edge pieces on the outside first, etc. But again, there are different pictures and sizes and shapes. So you might have a 400 piece puzzle of say, the Statue of Liberty, and you master that. But then you move on to a 1000 piece puzzle of a mountain scene. You are really starting all over; the basics are there, but it's a new picture and therefore a new strategy.

I think raising different kids is like that. We have our general parenting strategies, and things we will try and do the same each time. But, at least with my kids, the pictures are way different.

Seth is almost 4, and is the most easy-going kid I've ever known. As a baby, he went anywhere, slept anywhere, ate anything, loved everyone, hardly ever cried, etc. He would get new teeth overnight and we'd never know. He didn't sit up on his own till he was 10 months...crawled at 12 months...first steps at 15 months. Even then, he pretty much loved to be in his playpen and sitting, doing one thing.  He loved just watching the world go by. He was so relaxed that at his 15 month well-baby check, we found out he had a double ear infection. He didn't complain or pull on his ears. He slept like a dream. He couldn't work many baby toys, but didn't care. He didn't feed himself till he was about 2. He loves to be picked up and carried- still.

Baby Eli, now 9 months, could not be more different.  From the time he was 3 months old, I could tell he was "done" with the baby thing. He had no interest in just sitting, watching the world go by. He hated the swing, stroller, car seat...anything that confined him.  Some of this was due to his tummy issues- it hurt him to be doubled over like that. But he always wanted to be UP. He would play some, but he wanted my full attention. He hates his playpen. He got his first tooth at 3 1/2 months and hasn't stopped complaining about it (he's gotten 6 more since). And now, at 9 months (at which age Seth couldn't even sit up), he has mastered sitting up, crawling, pulling up, walking holding just one adult hand, and taking independent steps. He can also feed himself finger foods very well. He recently scared the daylights out of me by opening a closed box with some parts to his baby monitor in it, putting something in his mouth, and swallowing it- I thought it was a screw. It wasn't, but still. He hates his naps- he'd rather be awake working on his skills.

This will sound ridiculous to you experienced parents out there, but I really thought this would be easier. I had one kid, right? I had him figured out. So adding another...yah, I might have some sleepless nights in the beginning, but then it would be just like Seth. No sweat. No- Eli has been like starting over. Like a completely different jigsaw puzzle.

And I am cautious to not compare them too much. I don't want to say that one of their personalities is "better" or "easier."  I think that in all of us, our strongest traits come out as both good and bad.  Sure, Seth is easy-going, but he is also kinda lazy. He would still let me spoon-feed him if I'd do it. But he can also sit still and be quiet during a wedding, funeral, etc. Eli is driven: he figures things out for himself and is independent (He is a lot like me- sorry, sweet boy. Didn't mean to pass on my strong-willed nature). This is good because he is learning so much and has amazing dexterity and mobility. But he also gets his mind made up about what he wants and you can't argue with him. He is throwing 3-year old scale fits already.

I do joke that they will grow up together. Seth will figure out how to buckle his seat belt about the same time Eli does. They will learn to tie their shoes together. Seth doesn't care to do it- Eli just can't wait to do it. That's true of about everything.

So once again, I thought this would be easier. But I am learning. So I will use all the knowledge that I gained with Seth and try to apply it- to a very different puzzle. And I am glad they aren't exactly alike. What fun would that be? Easier, yes. But no fun.