The "Befores" and "Afters"

Before I had children, nothing would infuriate me more than when people would say "You don't understand because you don't have kids yet."  I would get so angry. I'd think, "I'm not an idiot. I can understand."  I would ask people to try and explain what they meant.  No one really could. I took that to mean that they just couldn't explain it well enough, and I probably really understood more than they thought.

Well I have news for the "before" me.  You didn't know jack.

I have recently been talking to several people who are thinking of having children, most of them who are young and haven't been married long. Since this is a common theme running through my life, I felt the need to address it. I believe now that nothing can prepare you, no one can tell you how hard it will be, and you will look back and be amazed by how many things you did not think of. 

***Before I continue, let me make my message clear: Have kids.  Do it.  It is a blessing, a wonder, a joy, a lifelong discovery of the amazing ways we were all created. I would never discourage people from having children, or from having as many kids as they think God wants to put in their family. ***

But think about it.  Pray about it.  Ask God to prepare your heart and soul and make you humble.  Consider if this time, right now, is the right time, or if maybe you can wait a year or two.  You will never be 100% ready. But look at your life: if you're already too busy and struggling and stressed to the max and trying to build or finish something, where is the room for that baby? What is going to give? What are you going to change? It's foolish to not consider these things, and it's irresponsible to not listen to the counsel of people who've been there- in any area of life, but especially the big areas.

A quote I love that hit home for me is, "The soul of parenting is sacrifice." Yep.  Not "fun" or "enjoyment" or "cuteness." Again, not that it's not worth it at the right time.  But ask yourself this, you childless person: do you regularly sacrifice your own desires, comfort, schedule, money, effort and time for anyone? I mean, every minute of every day and night? What about half of the time? What about 30 minutes a day? If you don't do any sacrificing now, are you prepared to become all about that?  And you might never be ready, but can you see why waiting a year or two might make it a little easier to do that?

Once you're a parent, you're a parent forever.  FOREVER.  Can forever wait a year or two?

I am a big believer in not wishing away time you've been given.  I know some people who have done life differently, and they're ok, but they have a lot of regrets.  My husband and I were together 4 years before we got married; we were married 5 years before our first child.  I would not trade that time.  I spent a lot of it wishing for the next stage to get here...hurry up already...come on...I should've been treasuring it.  I guess the good thing is it makes me treasure my time with my kids more now, realizing how I wished away that other time. But I still wish I'd known then to treasure our "kidless" time too.

So, in light of the way I hated not understanding what my friends with kids could not explain, here is my best shot at explaining some of it. Here is a BEFORE and AFTER picture of my life.

Before kids:  I woke up when I wanted.  Whether that was 6 AM to get in an early tennis game with my friend Megan, or 7:15 to shower before work, or 10 AM on the weekends because I was "sooooo exhausted." I ate breakfast and read the paper. I put on the clothes I wanted to and got all ready. I got to work on time most of the time.  I made lunch plans, and went to important meetings with fun people.  I came home from work and complained about having to grocery shop or clean up the house, which was actually already clean. I facebooked and internet surfed when I wanted to. I was "healthy" because I was in tune with my thoughts and behaviors. I hung out with my husband and our friends regularly, including dinners, bible studies, small groups, exercising, and scrapbooking. I was on important committees at church and doing "good" things. I went to bed early and watched whatever TV shows I wanted. I got a full night's sleep...or if it got briefly interrupted, I would be soooo exhausted the next day I would tell everyone about it.  I said things like, "I really need to say 'no' to people more" and "I need to get more rest." I took care of myself, whether that meant making sure to rest and eat right, or saying "no" to people I probably could've helped, or managing my schedule, or reading books to have things to discuss, or saving/spending money the way I wanted to.  I was all about self-protection, self-preservation and self-involvement, without even knowing it.

(Do you know it? Tomorrow, just look at all the things you do that are just about you.)

After having kids:  I wake up with a baby in bed with me, after a very stunted night's sleep.  I scarf breakfast and skim the paper. I nurse my baby for 20 minutes, which means I have about 20 minutes total to get myself ready before walking out the door on the days I have to work (no morning shower some days anymore). Not sure what clothes even exist in my closet, and I need to buy new shoes but can't get time to go do it. I take a kid to preschool (late) and walk into work (late).  I try not to feel guilty about this.  I work like a maniac in the time I'm there and leave much undone. I try not to worry about that. I rush back to preschool to pick up my kid. I rush home to nurse a baby and feed a kid and I eat some lunch.  NAPTIME (yay!) (for them, not me...I hurry to get a few things done around the house...what? oh, you see some scum on my kitchen floor...yep, no idea what that is...). Afternoon time: playtime. I don't have time to think about my "emotional or spiritual health." I struggle to get dinner made while my fussy baby cries and pulls at me and wants to be held.  Fail to make dinner: call husband to pick up dinner again.  Coax baby to eat, yell at 4 year old to stop throwing silverware (see how I'm not even using complete sentences anymore?). Remember that my friend texted me 4 hours earlier...text her back quickly and try to connect. Haven't hung out with her in months. Clean up dinner, maybe do some errands, which means husband has to stay with kids. Or he plays with them while I clean, or I play with them while he folds laundry.  BATHTIME and BEDTIME routine for them...an hour later they're asleep.  Try to decide if I want to do something (write a blog post) or sleep now before the baby wakes up in four hours.  Get a few hours sleep, up and down all night. There is no real kind of "rest." At some point in the night I remember that I have a meeting in the morning that I didn't prepare for. The scrapbooks are years behind, I have no idea what shows are on tv, I have no hobbies, no exercise (which doesn't help the self-esteem) I have only a few friends, I don't get to go out, we have no "extra" money.  We try to be regular attenders at church, but not much more is possible. My husband and I haven't been on a date in months. And this describes "normalcy", not exceptional days for sickness, crises, or just really really bad days. There are many more ways it's different, but my memory isn't what it used to be so I am not able to communiate perfectly.  Just another way being a "mommy" has changed me.

I am ok with this now. I don't mean to complain. But it's radically different than before.

Are you ready for RADICALLY different?

Again, don't miss my message: Those two amazing boys who are sleeping now are worth every ounce of "ME" I've had to sacrifice...a hundred times.  I am grateful for the changes in myself they've brought about. But it's HARD.  It's PAINFUL.  It's LIFE-ALTERING.

Why make it harder by jumping into it too soon or too casually or too blindly? It's not all sweetness and fun and cuteness and pie-in-the-sky "it will all be worth it" moments.  And here's my other message: Having a realistic picture of what it will be like isn't for YOU.  It's for THEM. 

It's so you aren't spending the first 3 years shell-shocked and distraut while your kids look to you for consistency, planning and comfort you can't give.  It's so you aren't forced to make decisions you don't want to make for them.  It's so you can be ready to treasure their tiny formative years and not just be looking at them to provide YOU with love and entertainment and the joy you expect. It's so you don't resent them when your life is rocked. YOU being ready is for THEM. 

Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I know it's not all-inclusive nor is it probably what you want to hear.  There are parts you will disagree with, and that's ok. You might be judging me.  That's ok too. You will understand one day...oh wait, that's what I hated hearing. I guess I didn't get anywhere.  But you can never say I didn't try.