Clarification of my thoughts on motherhood and struggle

Several of you read this post about my thoughts on rushing into having children.  I fear that some of my thoughts were misinterpreted. And maybe some of my general thoughts throughout this blog have been misinterpreted.  I want to clarify a few things.

Somehow through my posts, it may have sounded like I do not like children or do not enjoy being a mom.  I think this is happening because of my perspective on being real about my struggles.  As I've said, before I was a mom, I had the impression that most "good, Christian" moms just loved every second of being with their kids.  Baby time was wonderful and exciting and cute. There wasn't much talk of struggle, and if there was, it was general.  I wrongly assumed every minute would be happy.  For some reason I did not think much about the time between birth and school-age.  My husband and I read books and planned for how to handle older children and teenagers.  But nothing in the toddler-realm crossed my mind. 

I truly believe that this naivete caused me to be surprised, confused, and at times, depressed by my own struggles. I thought I was the only mom who got frustrated and upset when things weren't going well.  I thought I was the only one who did not have it all together.  So I wasn't dealing just with the usual "my baby pooped on me and I'm disgusted" frustrations- on top of it, I was having huge guilt that I couldn't just take those moments and smile and move on with little effort.

Talking about my struggles is freeing for me.  I also believe it makes me able to relate to others who are in the same life stage.  I do not mean to focus on them.  If you've gotten that impression, I am sorry.  I will try to focus more on the joy and less on the struggle, but I will not pretend that there aren't any trials at all.  I think talking about trials (of any kind) with others leads to freedom; otherwise you suppress things and they grow inside of you and lead to worse things. (A great book about this is Inside Out by Larry Crabb).

I believe that moms move mountains every day.  It involves a tremendous amount of effort, love, and management to run your home and care for your children.  And sacrifice.  So by me saying that, I think some people thought I meant I resented the sacrifice, which isn't true.  What I resent is this:

When people have the impression that this life is easy.  And they can just have kids, continue with their same lifestyle and commitments, dragging their kids with them without a thought for what the kids really need.  That their life won't change once they have kids.  That kids are an "accessory" to their life.  They think life won't be any different.  That is what frustrates me. 

I can't say I've always been perfect at this, but I believe you should treasure your children.  Cherish is the word we use at our house.  When it's time to have children, raising them should be on your mind, not just having a cute baby who goes everywhere with you. When it's time to have kids, you should be prepared to devote most of your life to them.  I am not saying you have to give up all your interests and activities (and you shouldn't), but you are not number 1 in your life anymore.  You have little people who are counting on you to make the best choices for them.  They need you.  They need your leadership, your affection, your TIME.  And it takes work.

With our first son, it was easy for me to not have to sacrifice much.  He was a ridiculously easy baby.  In every way.  I really didn't change my life too much, though I did quit working full-time and went part-time.  But he was so easy and relaxed. He slept in the pew at church and went everywhere with me.  Because he was so easy-going, I regret that I took advantage of this sometimes.  He would literally play in his playpen for hours- having a great time.  So I'd use that time to try and keep my house up, do whatever work I wanted, and catch up with friends.  At some point I realized I wasn't spending that much time doing things WITH him.  I had to train him to play with me because he was so content on his own. Once I did start having that focused time, I saw the benefits for both of us. He learned so much and showed his true personality. 

With our second son, it could not have been more different.  He has been tremendously demanding- not just personality-wise (though he did get my personality, poor kid), but medically and physically.  He had terrible GERD and milk-soy protein intolerance. I had to stop working all together for awhile to be there for him. I still have to give him lots of focused attention.  He does not go places well or "roll with the punches." On top of it, he has a sleep disorder and I haven't slept through the night in nearly 17 months.  He has taught me that my selfish desires and focuses do not matter anymore.  I have been to the depths emotionally and spiritually because of our situations with him. And I feel I've learned a lot. 

I had to learn to cherish my time with a screaming, wiggling, uncomfortable baby who did not allow me to leave the house for days.  Or sleep. Or eat what I wanted. Or see my friends. Or go to work.  Somehow God taught me to truly enjoy this time. To cherish it.  I think cherishing my kids is the biggest focus of my life now. I will try to do a post about what I mean by that later. 

My point in my last post was if you are not ready to put aside your own selfish desires, and have a realistic picture of what life might be like with kids, then you need to think more about it.  I would say the biggest thing you need is a teachable spirit.  Yes, that's it: are you willing to grow, learn, change and also serve your kids? It isn't all fun, but I guess I need to stress that it isn't BAD.  I didn't mean BAD when I wrote that post.  I just meant it can be hard. And as I've said before HARD does not always equal BAD. 

I hope that helps, and I hope you know I love my kids so much and enjoy them every day.  We laugh, dance, sing, play and snuggle. We are goofy and we are wild sometimes.  We run around and learn.  I have learned more about myself and life from them than I will ever be able to show them.  I am grateful and I am blessed.  I will try to say that more.