CARS philosophy

Awhile ago, my husband and I began talking about how it would help to have a set of words, or a philosophy statement, for making decisions for our boys.  We realize this might sound cheesy.  But there are so many things to focus on when raising kids, and I get easily confused about what is right.  For example, I really want Seth to play soccer.  He loves it at home, he is good at it, and it is good for kids to be on sports teams.  So we took him to a soccer clinic, and he wouldn't play at all. He clung to my husband's side and would only kick the ball with help.  I was, honestly, very angry with him. He has a hard time trying new things, and I get frustrated that he is missing opportunities.  We discussed whether or not we would sign him up (he cried the whole way there and most of the way home), and decided we'd give him a year and try again.  This decision was hard for me, and against most of my instincts: I wanted to push him, to drag him kicking and screaming, and MAKE him love it. 

I have shared before that I struggle with trying to control my children.  I know it's my role to instruct and shape them, and to put my foot down when needed.  But I cannot FORCE them to become someone they're not.  I do want to push them in some areas that might be outside of their comfort zones, but it's  a fine line.  Is it worth it to make a 4 year-old miserable and risk him hating soccer forever?

Anyway, we came up with an acronym that is going to help us in the next few years- these young, precious years- when they boys are so tender.  This philosophy will change as they age, but here's how we've decided to make decisions in the next few "young" years.

And it sounds silly. We came up with CARS because both of them love cars so much, but also because we already had C, R and S.  So we threw in the A, which turned out to be just as important.  So, at the risk of sounding cheesy and goofy, here's our CARS philosophy.  It's our responsibilities and focus for our wonderful boys for the next few years.


C- CHERISH.  We all know time goes fast. We all want to have memories and create great experiences for our kids.  But this is more about cherishing the every day moments with them. And cherishing who they are as silly, funny, little messy boys.  I want to soak it up and not miss it.  I don't want to turn around in 10 or 20 years and say I can't remember what Eli felt like in my arms after a bath, or what happened in my heart every morning when Seth woke up and ran in to tell me good morning.  I journal for this reason, but I also think of the Bible verse about how "Mary cherished all these things in her heart."  I want to cherish things in my heart, moment by moment, and not "miss" them.

A- ADMONISH.  This sounds harsh.  Admonishing is instruction for life, simply put. What we mean by this is that we want to take every teachable moment to guide them in the ways of the Lord.  We want to instruct them and discipline them appropriately.  Admonishing definitely has more to do with correcting and molding them than it does with saying NO or forcing them to behave.  Again, I tend to the control side, and want to make sure I am teaching them instead of having a heavy hand, so that, when I am not around, they have no idea how to behave. 

R- RESPECT. This is two-fold.  First, it's teaching them to be respectful.  This is everything from helping them learn to answer adults when they speak to them, to not tormenting the dogs, to respecting their own bodies by keeping clean, etc.  And secondly, since they are boys, I know respecting them is part of how they experience love.  Again, this does not mean we give them whatever they want.  It's not about always "respecting their wishes" if those wishes are not helpful or it they're ridiculous.  But it does mean to treat them like human beings. It means that we don't scream and yell at them, or put them down.  It's respecting their emotions and their ideas.  Respect is a huge part of teaching them to love others as they Jesus loves...by first demonstrating this by how we respect and love them. 

S- SECURE. Again, this means two things to us.  First it is just safety.  They are boys. They are young.  They think it's a good idea to do things like jump off the top of a set of concrete steps in their barefeet and swim trunks.  They don't have the ability to make safe choices- they are only seeing the fun and excitement of the experience.  I do not walk around behind them and hover all the time.  I do let them run and jump and even fall.  But we figured out early on that just because they are ABLE to do something (like climb on top of something) doesn't mean we should LET them.  I draw the line at fireworks and motorcycles. And secondly, we want them to feel secure in our love for them and for each other.  I read a great article about how kids who live with the low-level, constant anxiety of not knowing whether or not their family will stay together are affected in many ways- including their ability to learn and even grow well.  So we want to assure them that our family is forever and we will never stop loving them, even if they misbehave.

So back to the soccer example: I decided that forcing him to participate at this point would not be respectful or make him feel cherished.  It would tell him I did not care what he wanted to do, and that it matters to me more that he is on a team or "sportsy".  Again, I do feel that I will make a lot of decisions they don't agree with, and will even "make" them at least try things once in awhile.  With Seth, I know he won't voluntarily try things, and I will have to really encourage him to do things I know he'll end up liking. But at this point, it was not something that would've fit with our philosophy.  So we will wait and try again later. 

So there it is. I know it's probably basic parenting ideas to most of you. It just helps me to have a clear idea of our direction as parents. This isn't all-encompassing, but it is a start.