Adoption Questions, round 1

Seth in his referral picture (above)

Question 1: "Why did you guys adopt?" 
We've always tried to make it clear that adoption was our choice, but somehow some people missed this message.  We did not have infertility.  We had begun to talk and pray about starting our family, and at the same time, had some good friends talking to us about their desire to adopt (The Scheerers- who recently brought home two precious kids from Ethiopia).  There was an international adoption seminar at our church, so we attended.  I was so moved and excited about adoption, and after the seminar, it was all I talked about.  We talked about trying to get pregnant, and if that didn't work, we would adopt.  But I just kept talking about it, and finally, my husband said, "If we're so excited about adopting, why don't we start with that?"  It had never occured to me.  It immediately felt right.  We prayed about it and made our decision.  This leads me to a key point: some people think of adoption as a "second best option."  I tell people that adoption might be a second choice in some cases, but it is NEVER a second best way to have a family. 

Question 2: "With so many kids 'HERE' needing families, why did you get a 'FOREIGN' baby?"
I have to take several deep breaths after beings asked this question.  Mainly because it reeks of misinformation, biases, and a world-view that is skewed.  I have been asked this about 100 times, and of those 100, only one person was someone who actually worked for and was passionate about domestic adoption.  About 50 of the people were truly curious, and that's great.  But the other 49 or so have asked it with a spirit of contempt. 

My straight answer is this: Because God told us to. We were clearly led to international adoption, and God opened so many doors along the way that confirmed this was where we were supposed to be. 

My long answer is this: well, let me break it down. 

First, I'd ask the person questioning this: are you passionate about domestic adoption?  If so, I'd love to support you.  I believe EVERY child in the world deserves a family, not just children in the US.  And not just kids elsewhere. EVERY child. So if you want to adopt a child here, I will be your biggest cheerleader. Please do it. 

Secondly, if they aren't interested in adopting, I'd ask why it mattered so much that US kids get adopted first.  Does it come from a place of "we need to take care of our own", that so many people feel?  Somehow putting "Americans" ahead of the rest of the world, no matter how the others are suffering?  My son was born into a kind of poverty that we can't even comprehend.  Had he not been adopted, he would've grown up with no education, no prospects of a good career, and no help from his government.  He might've sold items on the street, like so many other kids we saw in Bogota.  He might've been kidnapped and taken in slavery into a guerilla army, which preys upon children with no parents to protect them. He might've been weilding an oozie by age 7.  Or maybe he just would've died from lack of food, healthcare, or water.  When I see suffering of this, I can't stand idly by and do nothing.  I feel the need to act.  I don't care what color or ethnicity. 

Thirdly, I'd ask if that person knows the actual statistics of orphans in the world.  A common figure used is that there are 143,000,000 orphans in the world.  143 MILLION.  In the US, there are approximately 500,000 kids in foster care.  Of those 500 THOUSAND, only 118,000 are available for adoption.  This means that most of the kids in the system have at least one living guardian who is working to have that child returned to their biological family.  In addition to that number, there are about 20,000 babies adopted each year, right from birth, in the US.  So you could add that together and say there are about 138,000 kids in the US needing homes.  Compare 143 MILLION to 138 THOUSAND.  What percent is that?  Not 10%, not 1%. It's not even 0.1%.  So it isn't like we walked past an orphanage full of crying babies down the street, and instead flew to Colombia to get Seth.  These types of places do not exist in the US anymore.  But they do in countries like China, Russia, Colombia, Ethiopia, Haiti, etc.  Any number of orphans, in my mind, in the world is deeply saddening and disturbing.  But if you just look at the numbers, the US is doing a good job of finding homes for kids who need them here.  This is not the case in the third-world countries, obviously.  There just are not millions of families in those countries willing and able to care for those children.  So I ask: if not us, then who will care for them?

Fourthly, I must say, the most disturbing part of that question for me is this:  It sometimes comes from someone who is seriously looking for a reason to say that what we did was wrong. Bad. Neglectful. Selfish. Prideful. Something.  But mostly, it comes from them working to make themselves feel better.  They look at what we and others have done and say, "oh man. maybe I should do something about this huge problem of parentless children in the world.  wait. I can't do that. it's too scary...expensive...time-consumming...etc." So they must find an excuse.  They have to find a reason that what we did isn't what they are going to do.  They know that no one is knocking on their door with an orphan, ready to hand over.  So they start to build a case as to why they never have to get out of their comfort zone and take a step forward to adoption.  And this is just the beginning of it.

I hope that clears up some questions for you.  Again, feel free to comment or message me with questions.  More to come...

Adoption Month 2011

August is a special month for our family.  As many of you know, in 2004 we began an adoption process that ended up taking about 3 times as long as we planned.  Despite our impatience, God had a fantastic plan for us and in August of 2007, our waiting ended.  We received "The Call" on August 7, 2007, and met our son, Seth, for the first time on August 30th that same year.  It was a time I would describe as nothing short of magical.  God showed us that despite our doubts, our struggles, and the questions of many people, He keeps His promises and he gave us the son we knew he had for us.

I am going to devote some time this month to blogging more about our experience, but also mostly about questions we get about adoption.  I also have some exciting news to share later this month concerning God's calling on our lives to help the cause of adoption in the world.

For now, I wanted to invite your questions. Many of you know our story, and there are probably questions on your mind about it. I am going to open this up and invite whatever questions you have, even running the risk that you might ask the "wrong" question or even sound offensive.  I want to help everyone understand what I feel is God's heart for adoption, and what it has meant for our family.

So please, if you have a question, leave a comment or message me.  If you want to ask it privately, you can send an email to me at erikaalbin32@gmail.com.  Please, go for it.  If it's a questions I see a lot, I will answer you and probably answer it here too.

Be watching for posts about this all month!

CARS philosophy

Awhile ago, my husband and I began talking about how it would help to have a set of words, or a philosophy statement, for making decisions for our boys.  We realize this might sound cheesy.  But there are so many things to focus on when raising kids, and I get easily confused about what is right.  For example, I really want Seth to play soccer.  He loves it at home, he is good at it, and it is good for kids to be on sports teams.  So we took him to a soccer clinic, and he wouldn't play at all. He clung to my husband's side and would only kick the ball with help.  I was, honestly, very angry with him. He has a hard time trying new things, and I get frustrated that he is missing opportunities.  We discussed whether or not we would sign him up (he cried the whole way there and most of the way home), and decided we'd give him a year and try again.  This decision was hard for me, and against most of my instincts: I wanted to push him, to drag him kicking and screaming, and MAKE him love it. 

I have shared before that I struggle with trying to control my children.  I know it's my role to instruct and shape them, and to put my foot down when needed.  But I cannot FORCE them to become someone they're not.  I do want to push them in some areas that might be outside of their comfort zones, but it's  a fine line.  Is it worth it to make a 4 year-old miserable and risk him hating soccer forever?

Anyway, we came up with an acronym that is going to help us in the next few years- these young, precious years- when they boys are so tender.  This philosophy will change as they age, but here's how we've decided to make decisions in the next few "young" years.

And it sounds silly. We came up with CARS because both of them love cars so much, but also because we already had C, R and S.  So we threw in the A, which turned out to be just as important.  So, at the risk of sounding cheesy and goofy, here's our CARS philosophy.  It's our responsibilities and focus for our wonderful boys for the next few years.


C- CHERISH.  We all know time goes fast. We all want to have memories and create great experiences for our kids.  But this is more about cherishing the every day moments with them. And cherishing who they are as silly, funny, little messy boys.  I want to soak it up and not miss it.  I don't want to turn around in 10 or 20 years and say I can't remember what Eli felt like in my arms after a bath, or what happened in my heart every morning when Seth woke up and ran in to tell me good morning.  I journal for this reason, but I also think of the Bible verse about how "Mary cherished all these things in her heart."  I want to cherish things in my heart, moment by moment, and not "miss" them.

A- ADMONISH.  This sounds harsh.  Admonishing is instruction for life, simply put. What we mean by this is that we want to take every teachable moment to guide them in the ways of the Lord.  We want to instruct them and discipline them appropriately.  Admonishing definitely has more to do with correcting and molding them than it does with saying NO or forcing them to behave.  Again, I tend to the control side, and want to make sure I am teaching them instead of having a heavy hand, so that, when I am not around, they have no idea how to behave. 

R- RESPECT. This is two-fold.  First, it's teaching them to be respectful.  This is everything from helping them learn to answer adults when they speak to them, to not tormenting the dogs, to respecting their own bodies by keeping clean, etc.  And secondly, since they are boys, I know respecting them is part of how they experience love.  Again, this does not mean we give them whatever they want.  It's not about always "respecting their wishes" if those wishes are not helpful or it they're ridiculous.  But it does mean to treat them like human beings. It means that we don't scream and yell at them, or put them down.  It's respecting their emotions and their ideas.  Respect is a huge part of teaching them to love others as they Jesus loves...by first demonstrating this by how we respect and love them. 

S- SECURE. Again, this means two things to us.  First it is just safety.  They are boys. They are young.  They think it's a good idea to do things like jump off the top of a set of concrete steps in their barefeet and swim trunks.  They don't have the ability to make safe choices- they are only seeing the fun and excitement of the experience.  I do not walk around behind them and hover all the time.  I do let them run and jump and even fall.  But we figured out early on that just because they are ABLE to do something (like climb on top of something) doesn't mean we should LET them.  I draw the line at fireworks and motorcycles. And secondly, we want them to feel secure in our love for them and for each other.  I read a great article about how kids who live with the low-level, constant anxiety of not knowing whether or not their family will stay together are affected in many ways- including their ability to learn and even grow well.  So we want to assure them that our family is forever and we will never stop loving them, even if they misbehave.

So back to the soccer example: I decided that forcing him to participate at this point would not be respectful or make him feel cherished.  It would tell him I did not care what he wanted to do, and that it matters to me more that he is on a team or "sportsy".  Again, I do feel that I will make a lot of decisions they don't agree with, and will even "make" them at least try things once in awhile.  With Seth, I know he won't voluntarily try things, and I will have to really encourage him to do things I know he'll end up liking. But at this point, it was not something that would've fit with our philosophy.  So we will wait and try again later. 

So there it is. I know it's probably basic parenting ideas to most of you. It just helps me to have a clear idea of our direction as parents. This isn't all-encompassing, but it is a start.

More about Milk/Soy issues

We are currently revisiting all of Eli's dairy and soy issues, and this article came out today. I have used the mentioned blog a ton to cook food for myself as Eli was a very young baby, and the recipes are awesome. But the article is a good reminder that the issues we've faced can really bring havoc to your family and cause a lot of struggle with a newborn. People often mention that their kids have dairy issues, but MSPI can be so bad if undiagnosed that it's more like severe colic, not just a little gas or fussiness. I held Eli non-stop for the first several months, and even then he wasn't content. It wasn't till I eliminated all dairy and soy that things changed at all.

Fussy Baby? It could be MSPI Metro Neighborhood News Omaha, NE

Eli Iron Update- 2 Months

This has been another crazy month for Mr. Elijah Boo (as we call him around here).  If I didn't know us, I wouldn't believe it.  Just to brief you: Eli has now been taking his iron supplement for a little over two months.  At the one month mark, I shared that he had been doing better, but then got an ear infection.  Well this ear infection ended up turning into a long, drawn- out illness that involved him breaking out into hives all over his body! The hives lasted almost 5 weeks! He was very sick for awhile and his sleep was definitely affected.  Here he is with the hives:

They weren't from his medication, and they were not a reaction to the iron.  The doctor believes they were just part of whatever virus he had that caused the ear infection. They were terrible and would just appear and disappear all over him. 

But I will share this. I would say out of the last 40 days, he has slept all through the night probably 10 nights! This is cause for celebration!  Even the times when he has been up, he is still doing so much better, like sleeping 6-7 hours straight, which he was not doing before.  I can detect virtually no limb movements. 

He is just doing so much better, and if we can keep him healthy, hopefully at the three month mark I can share even better news.  I am still so grateful for this amazing progress and God's provision for us.  It is such a difference when I can think sort of clearly and not be surrounded by a haze of exhaustion constantly.  It is such a comfort to watch him sleep on the video monitor and not see his legs and arms jerking.  He is at peace most of the time when he sleeps! Amazing! I can't stress enough the feeling of frustration when you watch your baby struggle to get comfortable and to REST.  I am thankful for these blessings of peace and rest.

And, as you might expect, he is so much happier in the daytime too! He was always a good-natured baby, but he has been so happy that I cannot explain it.  We laugh and play and giggle and have so much fun.  He plays and is happy.  I didn't realize how cranky he was simply from being exhausted, too.  Poor baby. I am so happy to see him happy!

Thanks for reading.  Check back for even more good news next month! 

It is hard for everyone!

This post is from Shannon....remember me, the lady with the non growing kids??? I have ridiculously neglected my end of the posts, but after reading Erika's previous posts on motherhood and struggles, I thought I would chime in as well.

Don't let anyone fool you by looking like they have it all together, especially moms that stay home most of the time with their kids. We all fall short of what we dreamed it would be like. Erika is absolutely right that parenting takes many sacrifices. Its not so much about losing your sense of self as it is redefining your sense of self. And even then, you'll be disappointed sometimes. From conversations I've had with other moms, I feel pretty confident that what I'm about to say applies to most moms. We cry, we lose our temper, we wear the same pair of jeans 3 days in a row, we use convenience food more often than we'd like, we let our kids watch too many videos, we cut corners on housekeeping, we neglect our husbands, our friends, and most certainly ourselves, we are not anywhere near perfect!

I think it is important that we voice our inadequacies to other moms or moms to be. So many people are worried about presenting the perfect picture to the outside world that when we do fail, it hits us that much harder. Being open and honest is one of the best ways we can offer support to our friends.

Yes, being a mom is incredibly rewarding. You get warm fuzzies, hugs, laughs, pictures for your fridge, endless bouquets of dandelions, and "I love you Mommy"! You also get to prepare 3 meals a day for multiple people and slip in a meal for yourself if you're lucky. You get to wash, fold and maybe put away endless piles of laundry. You get to sweep the floor only to have someone walk through the pile as your sweeping or track stuff in 5 minutes later. So many of our jobs NEVER END. But, I do know(or at least hope) that one day my kids are going to look back and say thank you.

My life as a mom began a lot differently than Erika's did. I had my first kid just after I turned 20 and was not married. I made a lot of mistakes, but have ended up with a pretty awesome 11 year old. I wish I had had the opportunity to marry first and have a few years with my husband to build a foundation, both in our relationship and our bank account, before having kids. I think Erika is correct in her encouragement to take some time before making the decision to start a family. Planning a kid is a luxury that I hope to have some day...if I can ever convince my husband that a 4th kid is a good idea!

So remember, next time you see that mom at the mall with the perfectly dressed and perfectly behaving kids, just think, "I bet her closets are an absolute disaster!"

Clarification of my thoughts on motherhood and struggle

Several of you read this post about my thoughts on rushing into having children.  I fear that some of my thoughts were misinterpreted. And maybe some of my general thoughts throughout this blog have been misinterpreted.  I want to clarify a few things.

Somehow through my posts, it may have sounded like I do not like children or do not enjoy being a mom.  I think this is happening because of my perspective on being real about my struggles.  As I've said, before I was a mom, I had the impression that most "good, Christian" moms just loved every second of being with their kids.  Baby time was wonderful and exciting and cute. There wasn't much talk of struggle, and if there was, it was general.  I wrongly assumed every minute would be happy.  For some reason I did not think much about the time between birth and school-age.  My husband and I read books and planned for how to handle older children and teenagers.  But nothing in the toddler-realm crossed my mind. 

I truly believe that this naivete caused me to be surprised, confused, and at times, depressed by my own struggles. I thought I was the only mom who got frustrated and upset when things weren't going well.  I thought I was the only one who did not have it all together.  So I wasn't dealing just with the usual "my baby pooped on me and I'm disgusted" frustrations- on top of it, I was having huge guilt that I couldn't just take those moments and smile and move on with little effort.

Talking about my struggles is freeing for me.  I also believe it makes me able to relate to others who are in the same life stage.  I do not mean to focus on them.  If you've gotten that impression, I am sorry.  I will try to focus more on the joy and less on the struggle, but I will not pretend that there aren't any trials at all.  I think talking about trials (of any kind) with others leads to freedom; otherwise you suppress things and they grow inside of you and lead to worse things. (A great book about this is Inside Out by Larry Crabb).

I believe that moms move mountains every day.  It involves a tremendous amount of effort, love, and management to run your home and care for your children.  And sacrifice.  So by me saying that, I think some people thought I meant I resented the sacrifice, which isn't true.  What I resent is this:

When people have the impression that this life is easy.  And they can just have kids, continue with their same lifestyle and commitments, dragging their kids with them without a thought for what the kids really need.  That their life won't change once they have kids.  That kids are an "accessory" to their life.  They think life won't be any different.  That is what frustrates me. 

I can't say I've always been perfect at this, but I believe you should treasure your children.  Cherish is the word we use at our house.  When it's time to have children, raising them should be on your mind, not just having a cute baby who goes everywhere with you. When it's time to have kids, you should be prepared to devote most of your life to them.  I am not saying you have to give up all your interests and activities (and you shouldn't), but you are not number 1 in your life anymore.  You have little people who are counting on you to make the best choices for them.  They need you.  They need your leadership, your affection, your TIME.  And it takes work.

With our first son, it was easy for me to not have to sacrifice much.  He was a ridiculously easy baby.  In every way.  I really didn't change my life too much, though I did quit working full-time and went part-time.  But he was so easy and relaxed. He slept in the pew at church and went everywhere with me.  Because he was so easy-going, I regret that I took advantage of this sometimes.  He would literally play in his playpen for hours- having a great time.  So I'd use that time to try and keep my house up, do whatever work I wanted, and catch up with friends.  At some point I realized I wasn't spending that much time doing things WITH him.  I had to train him to play with me because he was so content on his own. Once I did start having that focused time, I saw the benefits for both of us. He learned so much and showed his true personality. 

With our second son, it could not have been more different.  He has been tremendously demanding- not just personality-wise (though he did get my personality, poor kid), but medically and physically.  He had terrible GERD and milk-soy protein intolerance. I had to stop working all together for awhile to be there for him. I still have to give him lots of focused attention.  He does not go places well or "roll with the punches." On top of it, he has a sleep disorder and I haven't slept through the night in nearly 17 months.  He has taught me that my selfish desires and focuses do not matter anymore.  I have been to the depths emotionally and spiritually because of our situations with him. And I feel I've learned a lot. 

I had to learn to cherish my time with a screaming, wiggling, uncomfortable baby who did not allow me to leave the house for days.  Or sleep. Or eat what I wanted. Or see my friends. Or go to work.  Somehow God taught me to truly enjoy this time. To cherish it.  I think cherishing my kids is the biggest focus of my life now. I will try to do a post about what I mean by that later. 

My point in my last post was if you are not ready to put aside your own selfish desires, and have a realistic picture of what life might be like with kids, then you need to think more about it.  I would say the biggest thing you need is a teachable spirit.  Yes, that's it: are you willing to grow, learn, change and also serve your kids? It isn't all fun, but I guess I need to stress that it isn't BAD.  I didn't mean BAD when I wrote that post.  I just meant it can be hard. And as I've said before HARD does not always equal BAD. 

I hope that helps, and I hope you know I love my kids so much and enjoy them every day.  We laugh, dance, sing, play and snuggle. We are goofy and we are wild sometimes.  We run around and learn.  I have learned more about myself and life from them than I will ever be able to show them.  I am grateful and I am blessed.  I will try to say that more. 

The "Befores" and "Afters"

Before I had children, nothing would infuriate me more than when people would say "You don't understand because you don't have kids yet."  I would get so angry. I'd think, "I'm not an idiot. I can understand."  I would ask people to try and explain what they meant.  No one really could. I took that to mean that they just couldn't explain it well enough, and I probably really understood more than they thought.

Well I have news for the "before" me.  You didn't know jack.

I have recently been talking to several people who are thinking of having children, most of them who are young and haven't been married long. Since this is a common theme running through my life, I felt the need to address it. I believe now that nothing can prepare you, no one can tell you how hard it will be, and you will look back and be amazed by how many things you did not think of. 

***Before I continue, let me make my message clear: Have kids.  Do it.  It is a blessing, a wonder, a joy, a lifelong discovery of the amazing ways we were all created. I would never discourage people from having children, or from having as many kids as they think God wants to put in their family. ***

But think about it.  Pray about it.  Ask God to prepare your heart and soul and make you humble.  Consider if this time, right now, is the right time, or if maybe you can wait a year or two.  You will never be 100% ready. But look at your life: if you're already too busy and struggling and stressed to the max and trying to build or finish something, where is the room for that baby? What is going to give? What are you going to change? It's foolish to not consider these things, and it's irresponsible to not listen to the counsel of people who've been there- in any area of life, but especially the big areas.

A quote I love that hit home for me is, "The soul of parenting is sacrifice." Yep.  Not "fun" or "enjoyment" or "cuteness." Again, not that it's not worth it at the right time.  But ask yourself this, you childless person: do you regularly sacrifice your own desires, comfort, schedule, money, effort and time for anyone? I mean, every minute of every day and night? What about half of the time? What about 30 minutes a day? If you don't do any sacrificing now, are you prepared to become all about that?  And you might never be ready, but can you see why waiting a year or two might make it a little easier to do that?

Once you're a parent, you're a parent forever.  FOREVER.  Can forever wait a year or two?

I am a big believer in not wishing away time you've been given.  I know some people who have done life differently, and they're ok, but they have a lot of regrets.  My husband and I were together 4 years before we got married; we were married 5 years before our first child.  I would not trade that time.  I spent a lot of it wishing for the next stage to get here...hurry up already...come on...I should've been treasuring it.  I guess the good thing is it makes me treasure my time with my kids more now, realizing how I wished away that other time. But I still wish I'd known then to treasure our "kidless" time too.

So, in light of the way I hated not understanding what my friends with kids could not explain, here is my best shot at explaining some of it. Here is a BEFORE and AFTER picture of my life.

Before kids:  I woke up when I wanted.  Whether that was 6 AM to get in an early tennis game with my friend Megan, or 7:15 to shower before work, or 10 AM on the weekends because I was "sooooo exhausted." I ate breakfast and read the paper. I put on the clothes I wanted to and got all ready. I got to work on time most of the time.  I made lunch plans, and went to important meetings with fun people.  I came home from work and complained about having to grocery shop or clean up the house, which was actually already clean. I facebooked and internet surfed when I wanted to. I was "healthy" because I was in tune with my thoughts and behaviors. I hung out with my husband and our friends regularly, including dinners, bible studies, small groups, exercising, and scrapbooking. I was on important committees at church and doing "good" things. I went to bed early and watched whatever TV shows I wanted. I got a full night's sleep...or if it got briefly interrupted, I would be soooo exhausted the next day I would tell everyone about it.  I said things like, "I really need to say 'no' to people more" and "I need to get more rest." I took care of myself, whether that meant making sure to rest and eat right, or saying "no" to people I probably could've helped, or managing my schedule, or reading books to have things to discuss, or saving/spending money the way I wanted to.  I was all about self-protection, self-preservation and self-involvement, without even knowing it.

(Do you know it? Tomorrow, just look at all the things you do that are just about you.)

After having kids:  I wake up with a baby in bed with me, after a very stunted night's sleep.  I scarf breakfast and skim the paper. I nurse my baby for 20 minutes, which means I have about 20 minutes total to get myself ready before walking out the door on the days I have to work (no morning shower some days anymore). Not sure what clothes even exist in my closet, and I need to buy new shoes but can't get time to go do it. I take a kid to preschool (late) and walk into work (late).  I try not to feel guilty about this.  I work like a maniac in the time I'm there and leave much undone. I try not to worry about that. I rush back to preschool to pick up my kid. I rush home to nurse a baby and feed a kid and I eat some lunch.  NAPTIME (yay!) (for them, not me...I hurry to get a few things done around the house...what? oh, you see some scum on my kitchen floor...yep, no idea what that is...). Afternoon time: playtime. I don't have time to think about my "emotional or spiritual health." I struggle to get dinner made while my fussy baby cries and pulls at me and wants to be held.  Fail to make dinner: call husband to pick up dinner again.  Coax baby to eat, yell at 4 year old to stop throwing silverware (see how I'm not even using complete sentences anymore?). Remember that my friend texted me 4 hours earlier...text her back quickly and try to connect. Haven't hung out with her in months. Clean up dinner, maybe do some errands, which means husband has to stay with kids. Or he plays with them while I clean, or I play with them while he folds laundry.  BATHTIME and BEDTIME routine for them...an hour later they're asleep.  Try to decide if I want to do something (write a blog post) or sleep now before the baby wakes up in four hours.  Get a few hours sleep, up and down all night. There is no real kind of "rest." At some point in the night I remember that I have a meeting in the morning that I didn't prepare for. The scrapbooks are years behind, I have no idea what shows are on tv, I have no hobbies, no exercise (which doesn't help the self-esteem) I have only a few friends, I don't get to go out, we have no "extra" money.  We try to be regular attenders at church, but not much more is possible. My husband and I haven't been on a date in months. And this describes "normalcy", not exceptional days for sickness, crises, or just really really bad days. There are many more ways it's different, but my memory isn't what it used to be so I am not able to communiate perfectly.  Just another way being a "mommy" has changed me.

I am ok with this now. I don't mean to complain. But it's radically different than before.

Are you ready for RADICALLY different?

Again, don't miss my message: Those two amazing boys who are sleeping now are worth every ounce of "ME" I've had to sacrifice...a hundred times.  I am grateful for the changes in myself they've brought about. But it's HARD.  It's PAINFUL.  It's LIFE-ALTERING.

Why make it harder by jumping into it too soon or too casually or too blindly? It's not all sweetness and fun and cuteness and pie-in-the-sky "it will all be worth it" moments.  And here's my other message: Having a realistic picture of what it will be like isn't for YOU.  It's for THEM. 

It's so you aren't spending the first 3 years shell-shocked and distraut while your kids look to you for consistency, planning and comfort you can't give.  It's so you aren't forced to make decisions you don't want to make for them.  It's so you can be ready to treasure their tiny formative years and not just be looking at them to provide YOU with love and entertainment and the joy you expect. It's so you don't resent them when your life is rocked. YOU being ready is for THEM. 

Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I know it's not all-inclusive nor is it probably what you want to hear.  There are parts you will disagree with, and that's ok. You might be judging me.  That's ok too. You will understand one day...oh wait, that's what I hated hearing. I guess I didn't get anywhere.  But you can never say I didn't try.     

Great blog post (not by me!) about motherhood and kids

I am sharing a link to a blog I love. This specific blog post is about motherhood. This blog is about that and so much more...

This blog is amazing. It's written be Heather Hendricks, who, along with her husband Aaron and their 4 boys, up and moved their entire life to Haiti last year to serve as missionaries. Please take the time to check it out and read about what they're doing there. Amazing stuff. She is working at Heartline, a group that teaches women about prenatal care, breastfeeding and infant care in Haiti. This is revolutionary in my opinion, and I believe directly results in women keeping their babies and raising healthy children, as opposed to forcing them to give up their parental rights and have to place their children in orphanages because they have no other choice.

Again, this post is fantastic about the way we view children in general, and I am so guilty of thinking too small when it comes to God's plans for my life and my family. Enjoy these thoughts Heather shares from her mother in law.

Sit a Spell: Happy Mother's Day Even Though it's Father's Day

Eli Iron Update- 1 Month

Several people have asked me for an update related to Eli and his sleep, and I truly appreciate the interest and prayers for our family.  We started giving Eli the iron supplement right about 5 weeks ago.  It is very easy to give- just drops in his mouth- and he seems fine with it, despite all the warnings that it tastes terrible. He wont drink the juice he's supposed to have after (just plain apple- seriously, this child is so picky! He doesn't even like JUICE!), so we use a syringe to give some to him because it is supposed to help with absorption.

A few weeks after we started the iron, he started sleeping longer chunks, like 6-7 hours! And I noticed his sleep was so much more peaceful.  He even went almost 9 hours one night, and then, lo and behold, about a week ago he slept ALL NIGHT LONG! In his crib from 8:45 PM to 7:15 AM. Nothing even close to that had ever happened before! We were thrilled.

But such is Eli's life: he got sick the next day, was sick all through Easter weekend and into the next week, we took him to the doctor and he has a double ear infection.  So since getting sick, he's been up and down all night again. However, I am confident it's just the sickness and hopefully when he's well, he'll start trucking along the path he was on.  I got the same cold and have been sick for almost two weeks now too.  So it's a long one.

I would like to ask you to continue to pray. I am cautiously excited because it seems like the iron is helping and we are seeing progress. But at the same time I have some fears. I fear that even once he is ABLE to sleep all night, he won't because he's never had the training.  He is a very very busy kid and does not like to slow down. It's fair to say he doesn't like to sleep- like a lot of kids- but I also give him grace because who would like to sleep when your whole life it's been a terrible experience for you? Without sounding too self-absorbed, I guess these prayers are really for me: I am exhausted still.  I dream that one day it will be a normal event for us to put him down in his crib and to not see him again till morning.  I know we'll always have the usual "interruptions", but I'd love it if a good night's sleep was the norm. I have a little trouble believing we'll get there.  (Forgive me, Lord, I am tired!)

I will give another update in about a month and hopefully we'll have fantastic results to share! Thank you again for caring about our family.

Answers

Today is a great day. Today we got the results of Eli's Sleep Study. We've already started calling it "Diagnosis Day", but before I get ahead of myself, let me catch you up on what we've been going through the last several months.

You may have read my previous posts on Eli's stomach troubles: Reflux, Milk/Soy Protein Intolerance, colon inflammation, etc.  Around last November we felt that these things were pretty under control.  One outstanding issue remained: Eli has always been a terrible sleeper.  Other than that, he was a happy, healthy, growing, funny, kid.

When I say he was a terrible sleeper, I know it sounds dramatic.  Babies are infamous for keeping their parents up at night, right? And often, these issues can be behavioral.  But Eli was up 5, 10, 15 times a night, squirming, crying, fussing, TRYING to get back to sleep.  He would even lay in my arms and fuss, seemingly uncomfortable. I had always blamed his stomach issues, and to a point, I think we were right. As he has gotten older, and these problems have persisted, I was starting to feel like we must be doing something wrong with this sleep. But just to be sure, I plunged myself into reading all kids of sleep books, reading blogs, taking advice from others, and any other way of acquiring information I could on babies and sleep.

I would not consider myself an expert, but I kept having this nagging feeling that Eli did not fit into any of the categories.  We did all the "textbook" stuff right.  We had a great nighttime routine, we put Eli down to sleep in his crib awake, and he would put himself to sleep after just a few minutes of fussing or talking.  And of the 15 times a night he woke up and cried out or squirmed, he would go back to sleep on his own about 12 of those times.  We did not give him chocolate or caffeine or let him watch too much TV.  He played hard all day and we made sure he got all his energy out.  Things just were not adding up. And while this was concerning and tiring, I had grown accustomed to getting such choppy sleep and being zombie-like. Some night the most consecutive sleep I got was an hour and a half. I kind of accepted that this was just our life till...whenever he would magically grow out of it, I guess. Mostly I hated talking about it because it made me feel like I was either stupid or crazy.

Finally, at his one year appointment, our pediatrician dropped a bomb on me. She asked about his sleep and I answered honestly. After listening, she said, "This is not right. He needs to see a sleep specialist."  I can't really explain why this upset me so much. Maybe because I assumed a sleep specialist's job was to lecture me on my parenting skills and tell me what I was doing wrong. Or to tell me to leave my baby to cry all night in his crib and that would "fix" him.  I actually put off making the appointment, but finally we had it scheduled for late February. Off to Children's Mercy we went again, this time to the Sleep Clinic and Nurse Practitioner Jamie Neal.

I wisely took some video of him sleeping with us to the appointment. She heard our whole story, watched the video, took notes, asked questions, and I held my breath.  All my worrying was in vain.  She was sort of perplexed, but assured me that this did not seem to be a behavioral issue. From the video, she said she saw some strange movements in his sleep. She mentioned a disorder I hadn't heard of before: Periodic Limb Movement Disorder (PLMD). This had something to do with iron in the blood, but I didn't really understand. She decided to consult with another doctor and said she'd call back. In general, we walked out of the appointment disappointed. I think we thought she'd have a quick, magic answer. And I didn't know about her limb-movement theory.  However, that very night, as I held Eli in the night while he was trying to sleep, I noticed his foot flick. Then a wrist. Then his whole leg would twitch. This went on for 20 minutes. How could I have not noticed this before? (Answer: the zombie state of sleep-deprivation in myself that I mentioned before).

A few weeks later, again, I felt like a bomb got dropped on us when Jamie called to say Eli needed to have a sleep study.  Oh, and it would be 3 months before we could get in.  WHAT? 3 more months of no sleep, PLUS then having to go through a sleep study? With a toddler? The good news was they had a cancellation policy and the sleep study clinic said I could call every day we were available to try and get in.  So you know what I did- I called EVERY DAY.  We actually got in in less than a week! This was an immediate sign to me that God was guiding this and we were on the right track.

The sleep study was a nightmare. I am glad we didn't have to wait longer because if I'd researched it more, I would've chickened out.  Eli did about as well as you could hope for in a 15 month old baby. But they had to hook him up to all kinds of wires and electrodes all over his body, in addition to wrapping up his face with this tape stuff.  There were 26 probes, an oxygen/carbon dioxide monitor in his nose, a video camera on the crib all night, and the whole room had audio recording.  I got to sleep in a bed next to his crib, but I use the term "sleep" loosely.  He did sleep some, but woke up crying tons (like usual), but was more upset than usual because of the stuff all over him.  It's so hard to not "help" your child when they want it- he wanted me to take all that stuff off of him and I couldn't. But I knew we had to persevere.  And in the morning, the nurse said she thought I should know they got lots of good data and did see lots of unusual movements, so she assured me it was worth our time bringing him in.

The crazy thing about sleep studies is that they take the data from the electrodes, nasal-thing (actual term), audio and video, and compile it into this huge report that takes 30 SECONDS of data and puts it on ONE PAGE.  The reports are thousands of pages long. And someone reads them and scores them and then figures it all out.  Crazy.

Finally, after three weeks of waiting, Jamie called today with the official diagnosis.  And, as she suspected, he has PLMD.  I guess that a "normal" number of what they call cluster movements in one hour is 5. On average, Eli had 14.6. Nearly 3 times the normal levels. And from the brain data, they could tell that's what wakes him up.  Also, his blood work backed up the fact that while his iron levels are fine, his ferritin levels are way low.  They want them to be at 50 and he is at 6.  Ferritin has to do with storage and release of iron, and iron has to do with (drumroll please) controlling limb movements. So the blood work backed up the sleep study data. The best part is that it's an easy fix: we just have to do an iron supplement. 

I was over-the-moon happy.  It felt like freedom. It felt like justification. It felt like I could finally scream to the world "I'm not crazy!"   It was such an answer to prayer. Not just my out loud, long-time prayer for Eli to sleep; it was also the answer to the humiliated, failure-wracked, struggling, small voice inside of me, barely able to beg God to intervene.  But He heard me, and though the journey to this place has been long and winding, I am thankful to be here.

So we will start the iron supplement tomorrow, and I guess it can take up to a month to build up and give results.  That's ok with me. I can rest happily tonight with the knowledge that the mom in me has been doing the right stuff by loving my baby and trying to get him the best sleep possible, and I didn't somehow mess him up in the process.  Hopefully these answers will lead to rest for us all, and a renewed sense that I am not crazy. At least not in this way.  

Parenting Taboos

Many thanks to my sister Katy for sending me this video.  It's lengthy, but I encourage you to watch it to the end.  I could write about 15 blog posts from this video alone.  Overall, the point I agree the most with is that we as parents need to be talking more about our true feelings.  And while our own personal happiness is, in my opinion, not always the goal of life, I think that their idea that having realistic expectations sets us up for more happiness is very valid.  I'll throw in a cute picture of my kids (in their "lumberjack shirts") here to encourage you to read on...

Before I was a parent, I can honestly say I gave very little thought to the time period between ages 6 months and 5 years.  Everyone always said things like, "Oh, being at home with kids was the best time of my life!"; "It's such a sweet stage!"; "Enjoy every minute, it goes so fast!"  Now that I'm in that time period, it sometimes seems awful, frantic, stressful, and so so so slow.  Not that there aren't periods of joy and awesomeness, and I am extremely thankful and I feel exceptionally blessed.  But happy? Not always. And, like this video points out, it seems to be taboo to say so.  I've even had honest people refer to this time period as "the dark days" of their lives. Where were these people before?  Hiding behind the very real taboo that saying things like this would make them out to be horrible people and even worse parents.  And I know that not to be the case from how much they truly love their children and have sacrificed, loved, and brought them up in immeasurably good ways.

I agree with the idea from the video that saying these things and being open is the best path to all of us raising the happiness quotient of our lives.  After all, I always do better when people validate my feelings and encourage me on, rather than lie about their circumstances (not that everyone who's happy is lying...just most of them. ha ha).  Anyway, please take a minute (or 17) and watch this video and leave your thoughts as comments. 
Here's the link to the video:
Let's Talk Parenting Taboos

Alone?

This past weekend I was having a conversation with a mom who is older than me. Her kids are mostly grown and out of the house. So I'd consider her a "generation" ahead of me.  I was telling her how hard this season of life has been for me, how tired I am, and how it gets very lonely. I said that many of my friends are in the same life stage, and they can't help me much. In addition, many of my family members are in hard life stages too, or just seriously busy with real life things. I was basically complaining that I don't have enough help- not blaming anyone around me- but the reality is just that I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders and feel like there aren't many who can help me.

Her response was surprising, and I don't think I quite agree. She said she had been through the same thing. She said she didn't have any help when she was raising kids, and she lived far from her family. But instead of commiserating with me, she said, "I think that's what every mom has to go through. I think it's just our cross to bear and something we have to deal with."

I didn't know what to say. On one hand, she's right. My kids are my job. I am not looking to pawn that off on someone else. I love taking care of them and spending time with them. But on the other hand- it is really hard. Wrangling a toddler, entertaining a preschooler, cooking, cleaning, organizing, trying to have a real conversation with my husband- not to mention trying to have any kind of outside social contact. Sleep deprived, losing so much weight my skinny jeans now fall off of me, trying to work part-time, filling our days with educational activities and fun...does it have to be so hard?

I got my answer later that day. We returned home from being out of town and had a surprise. My mom had spent 6+ hours at my house while we were gone- cleaning it. She vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed, etc. She had cleaned the filth off my bathroom floor. She organized my kitchen towel drawer.  She even left a crockpot full of vegetable beef stew, so that when we got home with two fussy kids, I wouldn't have to make dinner.

THAT'S what I am talking about. Every now and then, I need someone to pull me out of whatever small pit I am sinking down into. For me, recently it was the crazy mess my house was in. (For those of you who know me, you know I cannot stand clutter and filth- I've had to let go of much of that since having kids, but I still can't stand it). Having a clean house suddenly gave me the energy and enthusiasm for getting up the next day to face my little world. That's the kind of help I need once in awhile.

Some days it just feels hard, some days it really IS hard, and other days it's not so bad. Some people are naturals at this "raising small kids" stuff- I am not. It's hard for me. I tell people who are good at it that it's like if I asked them to suddenly go teach a subject in a high school that they aren't familiar with- like Calculus or French IV. I sometimes feel like I'm in an unfamiliar world with no prior life experience. I need help of all kinds.

So I don't believe we should try and face this life stage alone. I don't believe we should put our heads down and bear our crosses alone. I don't think that's how God intended it. This means three things:

1. We need to ask for help sometimes. Not just hints or complaining. I feel like if I'd asked my mom to clean my house before this, she probably would've said yes.
2. We need to look for ways to rescue each other sometimes. Even with our own full crazy lives, we need to constantly seek ways to help another mom not completely lose it. Even if it's just a phone call or quick text. We need to remind each other that we aren't alone.
3. We need to all look out for each other- maybe we can't be the one to go clean someone else's house, but we need to find those who can do it and ask on behalf of our friends. I am thinking about trying to figure out a way to help connect those who are willing to help with those who need it. I'd love ideas here...

So I think I can say that I totally disagree with what that other person said to me. I don't think we need to just deal with it. I think we need help and need to help each other. I know I'm still going to be the one up with my baby in the night, but a crockpot of soup sure helps me get through that once in awhile.

Your thoughts? post them below...

Katie's Growth Update/ Weaning Update

A little late, but as promised, here is what we found out at Katie's one year well check. She is in the lowest possible percentile, less than 3%. She weighed 16 pounds 5 ounces, which was an increase of about 3 pounds in 3 months. She also grew in her height and head circumference. The doctor asked me try to increase her milk intake during the day to at least 18 ounces and to put either ovaltine or carnation instant breakfast in her milk, both of which I have done.

I was holding on to her last breastfeeding session, which was the middle of the night one. I was afraid that if I cut this out that she would lose out on some much needed fat and calories. I figured if she was still waking for it, she must need it. I was wrong. The doctor told me that she was perfectly capable of sleeping up to 12 hours at night and was most likely just using the night feeding for comfort. I swear, she heard and understood him. For the next two nights, she slept 11 hours straight and skipped the night feeding. Night 3 was a different story. She woke around 3 AM. At first I tried to let her cry it out(CIO). She did, but woke a few minutes later. Then I tried picking her up and rocking her for a bit and laying her back down. She would have none of that. I tried walking around the house with her, which kept her quiet, but I was exhausted. I was fully committed to cutting out her middle of the night feeding, but by 5:30 AM I couldn't take it anymore. I made her a cup of milk and sat down to let her drink it. By this time, everyone else in the house was up too. We put in a movie and put some blankets on the floor to lay down. Katie and I laid on the couch and she finally went back to sleep at 6:30. It was NOT fun, especially when I had to get up a couple hours later and go serve in the nursery at church. Needless to say, I skipped the shower that morning and opted for a little extra sleep.

This has happened two times since then, but most nights she will sleep 11 hours. The first time it happened I tried CIO first, then went straight to the milk. After drinking about 4 ounces, I went through our lay down routine and she went back to sleep for the rest of the night. Last night I let her CIO and she made it through the rest of the night. So, Katie is fully weaned from breastfeeding and if it weren't for the puppy that I talked my husband into getting, I would be sleeping through the night most nights.

As for Katie's growth, her doctor and I are happy with her progress for now and will continue to keep an eye on her. As long as she is eating good and grows proportionally, there really are no real concerns.

Mourning the loss of a friend

Bummer of a title, I know, but that's what I feel like. Last night, Brayden informed us that Guido, his imaginary friend for as long as I can remember, is not real. Here is how our conversation went:

Steph: Get Guido to whistle.

Brayden: Guido isn't real.

Me: What?!?

Brayden: Guido isn't real.

Me: Then what have I been picking up off the ground, giving a bath to, and putting lotion on all this time?

Brayden: Uh, the air.

Ohhh, my heart was broken. Really not for losing Guido, which really could be a pain to play along with sometimes, but for another step in the loss of Brayden's youth. Most of the time this happens in baby steps, like preferring Batman to Elmo or suddenly realizing that he can button up his pajamas all by himself. Losing Guido felt like a leap to me. A sure sign that he isn't a little boy anymore, but a kid.

Ironically, at this same time, I find myself wishing that Katie would just learn to walk and get it over with. For one thing, she is ruining the knees in her pants and the tops of her socks. Mostly though, I'm ready to be done with crawling. She's been doing it since she was 6 months old and I'm ready for the next milestone.

If only we could pick and choose the things our kids let go of as they were getting older. A great wish, but surely one that would never work. Soon, I'll get over myself and the sweet little boy I wish I could hold onto forever and embrace the awesome kid he is becoming.

A quick related story: Today after lunch the kids and I were dancing in the kitchen when a fun song came on the radio. I put Katie down and went over to scoop Brayden up to dance with him. He said, "I'm too big to hold you me." We'll just see if that's the case the next time he falls down and gets hurt. I'm betting not!

Puzzles

Having two kids.  Wow.  Not what I expected.

My husband came up with the perfect analogy. He said it's like jigsaw puzzles.  Hang in there with me for a minute as I explain.

You can have a jigsaw puzzle with 4 pieces. My son Seth just graduated to 6- and 8-piece puzzles. Then there are 8000 piece puzzles...maybe more. If you've done a 4-piece jigsaw puzzle, you might have a point of reference for doing an 8-piece puzzle..but still, the picture is different. And once you get to bigger puzzles, you probably have a strategy for doing them: straight-edge pieces on the outside first, etc. But again, there are different pictures and sizes and shapes. So you might have a 400 piece puzzle of say, the Statue of Liberty, and you master that. But then you move on to a 1000 piece puzzle of a mountain scene. You are really starting all over; the basics are there, but it's a new picture and therefore a new strategy.

I think raising different kids is like that. We have our general parenting strategies, and things we will try and do the same each time. But, at least with my kids, the pictures are way different.

Seth is almost 4, and is the most easy-going kid I've ever known. As a baby, he went anywhere, slept anywhere, ate anything, loved everyone, hardly ever cried, etc. He would get new teeth overnight and we'd never know. He didn't sit up on his own till he was 10 months...crawled at 12 months...first steps at 15 months. Even then, he pretty much loved to be in his playpen and sitting, doing one thing.  He loved just watching the world go by. He was so relaxed that at his 15 month well-baby check, we found out he had a double ear infection. He didn't complain or pull on his ears. He slept like a dream. He couldn't work many baby toys, but didn't care. He didn't feed himself till he was about 2. He loves to be picked up and carried- still.

Baby Eli, now 9 months, could not be more different.  From the time he was 3 months old, I could tell he was "done" with the baby thing. He had no interest in just sitting, watching the world go by. He hated the swing, stroller, car seat...anything that confined him.  Some of this was due to his tummy issues- it hurt him to be doubled over like that. But he always wanted to be UP. He would play some, but he wanted my full attention. He hates his playpen. He got his first tooth at 3 1/2 months and hasn't stopped complaining about it (he's gotten 6 more since). And now, at 9 months (at which age Seth couldn't even sit up), he has mastered sitting up, crawling, pulling up, walking holding just one adult hand, and taking independent steps. He can also feed himself finger foods very well. He recently scared the daylights out of me by opening a closed box with some parts to his baby monitor in it, putting something in his mouth, and swallowing it- I thought it was a screw. It wasn't, but still. He hates his naps- he'd rather be awake working on his skills.

This will sound ridiculous to you experienced parents out there, but I really thought this would be easier. I had one kid, right? I had him figured out. So adding another...yah, I might have some sleepless nights in the beginning, but then it would be just like Seth. No sweat. No- Eli has been like starting over. Like a completely different jigsaw puzzle.

And I am cautious to not compare them too much. I don't want to say that one of their personalities is "better" or "easier."  I think that in all of us, our strongest traits come out as both good and bad.  Sure, Seth is easy-going, but he is also kinda lazy. He would still let me spoon-feed him if I'd do it. But he can also sit still and be quiet during a wedding, funeral, etc. Eli is driven: he figures things out for himself and is independent (He is a lot like me- sorry, sweet boy. Didn't mean to pass on my strong-willed nature). This is good because he is learning so much and has amazing dexterity and mobility. But he also gets his mind made up about what he wants and you can't argue with him. He is throwing 3-year old scale fits already.

I do joke that they will grow up together. Seth will figure out how to buckle his seat belt about the same time Eli does. They will learn to tie their shoes together. Seth doesn't care to do it- Eli just can't wait to do it. That's true of about everything.

So once again, I thought this would be easier. But I am learning. So I will use all the knowledge that I gained with Seth and try to apply it- to a very different puzzle. And I am glad they aren't exactly alike. What fun would that be? Easier, yes. But no fun.

Katie's Reflux

Katie's story is almost the opposite of Eli's so I thought it would be nice to share that too. Katie is what is known as a happy spitter. She spit up after every feeding, sometimes so much that I couldn't imagine that she had kept anything in. She would spit up any time from right after a feeding up to an hour after her feeding. I believe I first asked about Katie's spit up at her 2 week check up. Her doctor told me that every baby has some form of reflux up until they are 1 year old because their digestive track isn't completely developed. Since Katie was a happy spitter, meaning she showed no discomfort, he recommended that we not medicate as long as she was gaining weight consistently. The medication does not reduce the spitting up, just the pain associated with it.

Brayden was also a spitter, so it was easy for us to know what we needed to be prepared. First, we used cloth diapers to clean the mess up. I always had at least 2 on the arm of the couch where we did our feedings. We also staged them throughout the house having one in at least each room that Katie spent time in. At the first sign of spit up, one of us would yell "Diaper Cloth" and whoever was closest to the cloth in the room would toss it to the person closest to Katie. It was actually kind of fun at times. I also never left without at least 3 changes of clothes for Katie and an extra shirt for myself. There were many times I used all 3 outfits in one outing. One item we had that helped with Brayden was our dogs. When he was a baby we had 2 dogs that lived in the house. As gross as it sounds, they loved to "help" clean up the spit up. I never knew how great it was until we faced the same situation with Katie without the dogs. Our couch and carpets were littered with stains. Let's face it, I had no time to break out the Resolve every time Katie spit up.

I incorrectly assumed that Katie's reflux would get better when she started eating solid food. This was NOT the case. If anything, she was so excited about eating real food that she would overeat and spit up even more. Our carpet was constantly decorated with orange spots since Katie's favorites were carrots and sweet potatoes. I tried everything including a steam cleaner to get the spots up. Eventually they faded with time, thank goodness!

Katie's spit up was less frequent when she began eating finger foods. She began this a bit earlier than most kids, I think because she would watch Stephanie and Brayden eat and wanted to be more like them. By the time she was 7 months old she was almost exclusively self feeding. Her spitting up tapered off and was almost completely gone by the time she was 10 months old.

Since Katie is getting fussy, I really don't have time for a proper conclusion. I hope this gives a glance into the mild side of reflux though. Except for some extra cleaning, it really did not affect our life at all.

Our Reflux Experience- Part 3 (Final)

When I left off, Eli had just started Nexium and we were seeing some good changes. His Sandifer's Syndrome went away, he could play on the floor, he gained control of his head/neck and his muscle issues got resolved. His nighttime sleep started improving: he would sleep about 4-5 hours straight, but then be up and down the rest of the night. For me, this was a huge improvement. But still not good, right?

We saw our GI doc again in April. He upped Eli's Nexium and also recommended we start another drug, called Reglan, to help with gastric emptying, as he felt that Eli's tummy wasn't moving things through fast enough. Reglan has some scary side effects, and I decided not to give it to him. However, he also diagnosed him Milk/Soy Protein Intolerance. We had probably missed this all along because I hadn't been eating dairy- I had gone off of dairy (mostly) when Eli was born because I knew my husband had problems with it as a baby. I will do another post about that, but we had sort of ignored his MSPI issues because his reflux was so bad- I didn't know the two were interrelated. The GI doc had no real advice except to switch him to formula. Anyway, I decided to get serious about the MSPI so we thought we'd go ahead with that- the expensive kind of formula - that didn't have any Milk or Soy.  However, Eli had other plans, and he refused the bottle. So I started researching how to breastfeed with a baby who had MSPI. I finally got some help from this blog, and my friend Hailey, whose baby Knox had it too.

I had no idea how much soy I was ingesting, and also feeding to Eli directly, through Gerber Rice Cereal. The night we stopped the Gerber cereal, Eli slept so much better. He also began to nap better in the day. I was shocked. I went on a strict no dairy/no soy diet. This has been an additional personal struggle for me because I LOVE DAIRY and I love food in general. But seeing the change in Eli made it worth it.

I was now able to go to work one morning a week, thanks to my wonderful friend Ann Marie who watched Eli for the morning. Her baby Hailey had colic, so she was familiar with the challenges and told me she'd hold him all morning if that's what he needed. Thankfully, she didn't have to do that every time because he was getting better, but I was so incredibly grateful to her because I knew I could count on her to love my baby and care for him, even if he was fussy and sick all the time.

We also were able to start putting him in his crib for naps. It was a miracle- one day after he'd been at Ann Marie's all morning, we came home and it was naptime. He was clearly wanting to play, so I put him in his crib and sat down in the rocker. He played and played and then got silent...I looked over and he was ASLEEP! I couldn't believe it. We were able to keep moving forward with him napping in his crib and it was a huge relief to all of us. 

Remember how I said that reflux is back and forth? We often say it's two steps forward, one step back. He was doing better, but then new, strange symptoms started showing up in May/June. For one, he started actually throwing up. Tons. He vomited all over me all the time. And it was hours after he'd eaten. Often times, he'd nurse, be up for 3 hours, take a 45 minute nap, then wake and vomit. So we increased his Nexium again. But as time went on, he got worse and worse again. He couldn't be in a sitting position without vomiting. My mom was watching him during this time and noticed he was regressing. It became more than two steps forward, one step back. It became 2 steps forward, 12 steps back. He was a wreck again, most of the time. At night, he'd sleep maybe 3 hours, then be up all night- crying, fussing, etc- I'd hold him and walk around the room, and he'd pull his knees up and squirm and scream. It seemed like he was in pain again, but maybe a different kind of pain.

I had finally had it with our GI doc. He was helpful in some ways, but because Eli was growing great, I felt like he had brushed us off. I wanted to hear from someone else. I knew there had to be another piece of this puzzle. I called and talked to the nurse, and she actually recommended switching to another doc at Children's Mercy. Her name is Dr. Jennifer McCullough, and she is about my age- she actually has a daughter who is one month younger than Eli. We met with her in August. She recommended a scope for Eli, where they would look at his esophagus, stomach and part of his bowels. She also said he was taking way too much Nexium for her comfort (we later found out that Nexium can actually INHIBIT gastric emptying, which would explain his vomiting and the fact that he was getting worse instead of better), and we had to trust her as she switched him back to Prilosec. We were terrified, and the first weekend we switched was a disaster. But then it got better. Eli had his scope (a test the first doctor should've done a long time ago). The night before his scope, we had to give him an enema. He cried through the whole thing, but then slept better than he ever had before that night. So we knew there were probably some lower GI issues going on as well.  The scope revealed that he had some colon inflammation. Dr. McCullough decided this was possibly due to constipation issues. We started him on some Miralax, and things began to "flow", so to speak. Constipation doesn't mean he doesn't go very much- in fact, he went pretty regularly- but it means the colon doesn't empty completely, and gets irritated and swollen. This seemed right in line with his symptoms. His overnight cramping stopped, and he seemed to finally be comfortable! So...

I appreciate if you've read this far. Basically, I wanted to chronicle what we've gone through and post it so if you're having any similar issues with your baby, you might know where to find help.  Eli has some fairly minor Upper and Lower GI issues, but they completely wrecked our life for awhile.We thought reflux was the only culprit, but had to press on to discover the MSPI and the way his constipation was affecting his colon.

For me, part of this journey has been about remembering that I am Eli's advocate. He can't tell us what's wrong, and he certainly can't call the doctor about it. There were times I felt like the nagging mom who had to call the doctor for the hundredth time. But I knew he was feeling terrible and I wasn't going to just be ok with that. So I pushed. And pushed. And finally got some answers and help. Don't get me wrong- all the doctors we've seen tried to help and agreed there was something wrong that needed fixing. But it took lots of follow-ups and phone calls to figure it out, and I had to be proactive in learning about the issues myself.

So where are we today? Well, Eli's taking Prilosec and Miralax regularly. He's starting to eat solid foods (we met with a dietitian this week to discuss how we'll move forward when I'm done breastfeeding since he can't have whole milk). He is taking 2 naps a day in his crib- usually one short one and one long one. He is sleeping better at night. He isn't in constant pain. You can see on his face that he's finally a happy kid! He's super active and running me ragged! So now it's about managing his medication, being careful about foods, and the every day ups and downs of being a mom to a pre-toddler (oh the teething!). But at least it's not about constant pain and agony for all of us! 

Slow Growing Children

I jokingly call my two younger kids "non-growing" children, but decided that a better title to this post would be slow growing children. With both Brayden and Katie I have been told that they are too little and that testing may be necessary since they are not growing enough. Here is a little bit about each kid:

Brayden- started off huge. He was just shy of 10 pounds when he was born and nursed every 2 hours for about the first 6 months of his life. At each of his check ups he was in the 90th percentile. Then he started eating solid foods earnestly and cut down on his nursing and eventually stopped around one year. He slowly began dropping down in his percentiles until at his two year check up he was in the 5th or lower percentile for his weight and 5 to 10th percentile for his height. I will tell you that he was in the 95th percentile for his head growth. That kid has a big ol' melon. That is when the doctor first talked about testing for causes of his size. I was not really concerned and actually slightly offended that someone thought there was something wrong with my kid. Jake and I are both on the smaller side, so to us it only made sense that Brayden would be small. I am 5'3" and Jake is only 5'7". I quickly got over being offended, but I still wanted to make sure that if we put Brayden through any serious testing that there really be a reason. We agreed with his doctor to keep tracking his growth and set milestones that we wanted him to reach. He slowly but surely put on some weight and some height and I'm happy to say that at his 4 year check up this week he was in the 75th percentile for his weight and 25th percentile for his height(they don't check the head at this age, but its still big!). I will add that I was aware that Brayden had a pretty serious growth spurt over the summer. He began the summer wearing 18 month shorts and 2T tops and now wears 4T tops and 3T pants. He didn't change his eating habits at all, except there were a couple days I remember thinking that he at a lot that day.

Katie-started off small. When I was 36 weeks pregnant, I went in for a sonogram because she had been breach. When they measured her legs and head and whatever else they measure they noticed that she was pretty small for how far along I was. It was a bit of a shock to me since my first two kids had weighed over 9 pounds when born. The doctor was actually going to induce me a week early before we noticed the issue with her size. The process to complete my pregnancy and ensure her health was not too bad. I went in every week for a non-stress test and everything turned out great. I was induced on my due date and Katie was 6 pounds 14 ounces. I loved the experience of having a small baby after the first two! Katie has continued to be small. She was in the 5 to 10th percentile for her first few check ups, but at her 9 month check up she wasn't even on the charts anymore. She weighed only 13 pounds and I honestly can't remember her height. She had gained no weight since her 6 month check up. The doctor said this could be because she had been crawling since she was 6 months old and could also be contributed to nursing less and eating more solid food. We will go in for her 1 year check up in a few weeks, so I will be sure to add an update to this post. Katie is a great eater. She has been self feeding exclusively since she was 7 months old and really loves most foods, especially vegetables. She is proportionate and developmentally right on track. I think I just have small children.

I will be sure to update this subject as each kid grows and gets older. For now, I'm happy with the way things are going with both my "little" kids and our communication with our doctor.

Our Reflux Experience- Part 2

One thing you need to know about reflux is that it's like a lot of ailments, such as allergies or migraine headaches. There is a huge range of what "reflux" means. Someone can say their baby has reflux, and it might mean they spit up a little and need some Zantac, but they eat and sleep great and are mostly fine. Someone else's baby can have it and have to be hospitalized and tube fed. Eli fell somewhere in the middle of these two extremes.  When he was first diagnosed, I was relieved and hopeful. I thought we'd have this minor challenge in our lives for awhile, and then we'd get into a normal baby routine.

So when I left off in my last post, Eli had gotten RSV. We were in the hospital for 6 days with him, and he was very very sick. They had to force me to leave him to go home and shower- I was afraid he would die if I left, and once the nurse threatened to have a doctor admit me because I had fallen down in the night from exhaustion. The previous 6 weeks of no sleep plus now being in the hospital had left me completely beaten. The Zantac wasn't helping much.

When we got home from the hospital, we started a new medication- Prilosec. Like the Zantac, we were told it could take up to two weeks to kick in. This began the worst period of time for us. One of the hard truths about reflux is that the medicine helps, but doesn't cure. You wait weeks for the medicine to kick in, get a little relief, and then as the baby gains weight, the medicine becomes less effective, and you start all over.

Let me say that I know most new mothers are exhausted. I am not saying I had it worse than anyone ever. But I do think most "normal" babies take a break and sleep now and then.  Eli would doze off for 20 minutes or so, tops, and I couldn't rest during that time because of Seth. The nights were really no better. Forget sleep training or a schedule. And his "awake time" offered no breaks- he wouldn't go in a swing, bouncy seat, car seat, on the floor on a blanket- nothing, without screaming. I carried him around, which started to get harder as he gained weight. Thank goodness for my sling, which I did use a lot during that time. And for my husband, who held him whenever he was home. We ate out a lot because I couldn't even put him down to make dinner. I turned over a lot of my work at my job to my friend Megan, because I knew I couldn't leave Eli with anyone. My boss allowed me to keep my job by doing the bare minimum. Friends advised me to "enjoy this time because it goes so fast." While I wanted to enjoy my baby, and I tried to find the joy in my life every single day, I WANTED it to go fast. It didn't. It went slow.

Eli was exhausted and miserable, too, and it was a vicious cycle- getting overtired, crying, passing out once in awhile for a short time, waking up cranky, griping and moaning in pain and crying if I put him down, etc. He also developed what I know now to be called "Sandifer's Syndrome" from the reflux. Refluxing babies often crane their neck away from their stomach to try and get away from the pain.  My sister Katy saw him doing this and started crying. She thought there was something else wrong with him- Sandifer's can be mistaken for seizures. He would arch so forcefully and strain that this left his muscles all out of whack, and his back sort of out of alignment. Our pediatrician gave me some advice on exercises, but said he'd have to have actual physical therapy if it didn't improve. He couldn't work on any of his baby skills, like tummy time, pushing up, sitting, or anything because he was too sick.  Here is a picture of his "normal" posture laying down during this time- back arched and hips twisted. That "I'm miserable" look hardly ever left his face.

All of this from a little reflux? Yes. Every feeding was like putting fire into his belly. Most babies are comforted by milk/formula. I remember with Seth, we called it his "milk coma." He'd eat and just blissfully start to drift off to sleep. It was opposite with Eli. I dreaded feeding him because I knew it would set in motion at least 90 minutes of terrible time for us- that was after the hour-long feeding session. Josh would walk out the door for work and I would bawl for hours. I felt so inadequate as a mother- to both my kids- Seth was largely being ignored as I took care of Eli. It's a huge blessing that Seth is so easily entertained. I would get him started on some activity and he could do that for an hour. That, and the evil television...I let him watch more TV than ever before in his life. So I was plagued with guilt on top of the sleep deprivation, feelings of inadequacy, major anxiety and worry.  Would life always be this terrible?

I still say that part of what was so terrible was the lack of understanding from people.  I swear, most of the time if someone came over- my mom, my sisters, my friends- Eli turned on the charm. He looked healthy (chunky!), and loved to be held- who doesn't love a cuddly baby? Since he was sleeping better, he was a little more content. Another reflux truth: it is very cyclical. So he'd have 2 good days, then 3 bad days, then 3 good days, etc.  Here I was, drowning in my life, but some people caught us on good days and only saw a fairly normal, chunky, sweet baby. I needed people to say, "wow- this sucks. I am so sorry for you." and to cry with me. I wanted validation that what we were going through was abnormally hard. I am not blaming anyone here- just saying that it was also hard that on the surface it looked like things couldn't possibly be that bad for us.

And there was no one to really help Josh and me. People did offer- don't get me wrong- and our church family brought meals, sent emails and texts of support, and visited. My friend Hollie took Seth one day a week in the mornings so he could play with her kids, and Seth went to Parent's Day Out one day a week. But at the end of the day, it was still me, on the front lines, day in and day out, with this mess.  I knew it would get better. I knew this wasn't a terminal disease. I knew so many people had it so much worse. But at the time, I was struggling- majorly.


Once the Prilosec kicked in, he did start to do slightly better- I remember once he took a nap for an hour. I was so excited. But that didn't happen often. I remember telling my friend Megan that Eli had "5 happy minutes" one day.  She laughed. I was serious. That was the best time we'd had with him.

I knew we had to get a handle on our life, as things were really falling apart. We started a process of rocking and holding Eli so he would start taking better naps. This resulted in hours upon hours in the rocking chair every day. It was ridiculous, but we didn't care. The sleep that he got during that time resulted in him not being so much of a mess all the time.  I had to let go of my worries that I was ruining him and his sleep patterns for life. He was still pretty sick, but at least he wasn't sleep-deprived too. He managed to sleep in his bassinet some overnight, so that was good too, but I still had to hold him a lot at night. Josh would get up at 5 AM to take over rocking for me so I could sleep for an hour and then shower. I was now getting about 4-5 hours of sleep per night, in 7 or 8 chunks. So maybe an hour, then 45 minutes, then 30 minutes, then an hour...etc. It felt like torture. Especially when it was time to "get up" for the day and take care of two kids again.
 
 Finally, at one of Eli's well checks, our pediatrician decided it was time for a referral to a specialist. Praise God. I was hoping this would be our answer. We were able to get in fast because of a cancellation. So we took Eli to Children's Mercy for his first of many visits. We were given a prescription for Nexium and sent on our way. Eli was now three months old. About a week after starting the Nexium, he smiled. Actually smiled! At me! And he started PLAYING! Yep, I could put him down and he would play on the floor or on the bed with me. It was amazing. His sleeps was still bad, though.  Another thing about reflux: it's worse when you sleep.  When you're lying down, gravity brings stuff up, and lots of stuff happens to your body when you sleep that causes more pain, such as loosening of the muscles that hold your food in your stomach. So even if he had a happy day, he could still have a horrendous night.

So I think I'll end here for this entry. This was around age 4 months for Eli. On Nexium, becoming happier, sleep improving some but still not in the realm of what I'd call "good." It overwhelms me to think back to this time period. It was terrible. It's hard to say that, because I love Eli so so so much. But I don't think he was having any fun either. He was thinking, "Man, if this is what life is all about, this STINKS!"  For those of you who need to know that there are happier things ahead, here's a picture of him recently...so hang in there for the rest of the story!