It is hard for everyone!

This post is from Shannon....remember me, the lady with the non growing kids??? I have ridiculously neglected my end of the posts, but after reading Erika's previous posts on motherhood and struggles, I thought I would chime in as well.

Don't let anyone fool you by looking like they have it all together, especially moms that stay home most of the time with their kids. We all fall short of what we dreamed it would be like. Erika is absolutely right that parenting takes many sacrifices. Its not so much about losing your sense of self as it is redefining your sense of self. And even then, you'll be disappointed sometimes. From conversations I've had with other moms, I feel pretty confident that what I'm about to say applies to most moms. We cry, we lose our temper, we wear the same pair of jeans 3 days in a row, we use convenience food more often than we'd like, we let our kids watch too many videos, we cut corners on housekeeping, we neglect our husbands, our friends, and most certainly ourselves, we are not anywhere near perfect!

I think it is important that we voice our inadequacies to other moms or moms to be. So many people are worried about presenting the perfect picture to the outside world that when we do fail, it hits us that much harder. Being open and honest is one of the best ways we can offer support to our friends.

Yes, being a mom is incredibly rewarding. You get warm fuzzies, hugs, laughs, pictures for your fridge, endless bouquets of dandelions, and "I love you Mommy"! You also get to prepare 3 meals a day for multiple people and slip in a meal for yourself if you're lucky. You get to wash, fold and maybe put away endless piles of laundry. You get to sweep the floor only to have someone walk through the pile as your sweeping or track stuff in 5 minutes later. So many of our jobs NEVER END. But, I do know(or at least hope) that one day my kids are going to look back and say thank you.

My life as a mom began a lot differently than Erika's did. I had my first kid just after I turned 20 and was not married. I made a lot of mistakes, but have ended up with a pretty awesome 11 year old. I wish I had had the opportunity to marry first and have a few years with my husband to build a foundation, both in our relationship and our bank account, before having kids. I think Erika is correct in her encouragement to take some time before making the decision to start a family. Planning a kid is a luxury that I hope to have some day...if I can ever convince my husband that a 4th kid is a good idea!

So remember, next time you see that mom at the mall with the perfectly dressed and perfectly behaving kids, just think, "I bet her closets are an absolute disaster!"

Sacrifice

Today I feel like a failure. I actually had the thought on the way to work this morning that maybe I can't do this. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mom, trying to work and holding stuff together.

I remember the days of getting up and only being responsible for myself. I took a shower, put on whatever nice business clothes I wanted to, ate what I wanted, left on time...I had it together. Today my morning went like this: up to nurse Eli at 5, back to sleep till 6 when I finally let him get in bed with me to try and keep him asleep till 7:20, up, give Eli medicine, eat (while Josh dresses Eli), nurse Eli (while Josh dresses and feeds Seth), pump because Eli didn't eat enough, get ready (no shower), grab all the stuff Seth needs for preschool and my pump and work stuff, and rush out the door (late). I got Seth to preschool 10 minutes late, which meant I missed the "drop off" time window and had to get out of the car and take him in myself (making me even later to work). After dropping him off, it was the point on my drive when I had the "maybe I am not cut out for this" thought...and it got worse.

When I got to work, I was 10 minutes late for a meeting I scheduled with our 401K plan people. I walked in late and was greeted by the woman I had setup the meeting with, who I'd never met. She was about 23 years old, tall, skinny, blond and dressed perfectly in business clothes- jewelry, nails done, etc. Now, not that I've ever looked like her, but I at least used to be able to try. I came to work today in jean capris, a striped Old Navy shirt and tennis shoes (acceptable attire in my office). This girl looked at me like I was an alien. I don't pretend to know what she was thinking- for all I know, she was wishing she got to wear Nikes to work instead of Manolos. But the voice in my head filled in what I imagined she was saying: "You come to work like THAT? Did you even shower? When was the last time you had a hair cut? Those shoes are from like 1999. I hope I never look that slobbish." I made it through the meeting, and she was very nice. Was she who I wanted to be, or just a person in a much different stage? She stuck in my mind all day.

Some days it really hits me- the large number of small sacrifices we make. They ARE small ones, but there are a lot of them. We sacrifice mostly our comfort: the ability to sleep when we want to; the luxury of taking care of ourselves- haircuts, showers, nails (my latest manicure involved me biting my nails and spitting them out the window when I drove- gross, huh); our free time; time with our spouses and friends; exercise time. A friend recently pointed out to me that while "me time" is important to most of us, there is nothing in the Bible that directs us to pamper ourselves or just "focus on me." If you are a mom, you know all about these small sacrifices, and probably have a list of your own.

So what I kept coming back to with the meeting girl was this: why did she add to my feelings of failure? I felt that way on the drive to work, but being with her really brought me down. I haven't completely found the answer. The obvious pat answer is that I am focusing on the wrong things: my comfort, my clothes, my hair, and that's true. I shouldn't define my success that way. And everyone got where they needed to be today, although we were all a little late. I have a great husband who helps me, and two relatively healthy, happy kids. But that's not what was causing the unrest in my soul.

I just think there's something in me that believes if I was really a good mom I wouldn't struggle with this stuff. I'd have the inborn ability to just forget about my appearance, my image at work, my "success" and sacrifice it all with no thought because of those two sweet faces looking at me every day. I wouldn't care what the meeting girl thought of me. If I was a truly good mom, I wouldn't miss my "freedom" and my "me time." But I do. Sometimes I really do. I am not saying it's right.

And that's where the failure comes in: I want to feel all self-sacrificing every single day, but some days I feel like I am just not good enough to do it. Some day I still wish I could just wake up and take care of myself. Maybe I'm just in a hard place with a three year-old and a high-needs 8 month-old. I don't watch TV, I am on a special diet because of Eli's food intolerances (no ice cream, chocolate, dairy of any kind, baked goods, etc!) and I barely get to sleep. I am not that good at putting my kids first- the kind of good that would forget about all that stuff. I know they're worth it all, and this stage of life is temporary. I know I CAN sacrifice. I just hate that I don't always WANT to. Is this making sense? I want to WANT to. I have the feeling that if I don't WANT to, I am a failure as a mother. Or that I am too selfish for this job. Let me either be the self-centered, "has it all together", professional girl, or the "I love my sweat pants and I can't remember the last time I slept because my baby's up all night but I love it" girl. It's hard to be in-between.

Do you struggle with this? Not just the sacrifices, but the guilt of not being "giving" enough to forget about them? Does anyone really forget, or do we find enough ways to indulge ourselves just enough to survive until one day our kids are grown? I think this struggle goes on and on- even as we learn to be loving, giving, sacrificing and serving. Post your thoughts below- I'd love to hear them!