It is hard for everyone!

This post is from Shannon....remember me, the lady with the non growing kids??? I have ridiculously neglected my end of the posts, but after reading Erika's previous posts on motherhood and struggles, I thought I would chime in as well.

Don't let anyone fool you by looking like they have it all together, especially moms that stay home most of the time with their kids. We all fall short of what we dreamed it would be like. Erika is absolutely right that parenting takes many sacrifices. Its not so much about losing your sense of self as it is redefining your sense of self. And even then, you'll be disappointed sometimes. From conversations I've had with other moms, I feel pretty confident that what I'm about to say applies to most moms. We cry, we lose our temper, we wear the same pair of jeans 3 days in a row, we use convenience food more often than we'd like, we let our kids watch too many videos, we cut corners on housekeeping, we neglect our husbands, our friends, and most certainly ourselves, we are not anywhere near perfect!

I think it is important that we voice our inadequacies to other moms or moms to be. So many people are worried about presenting the perfect picture to the outside world that when we do fail, it hits us that much harder. Being open and honest is one of the best ways we can offer support to our friends.

Yes, being a mom is incredibly rewarding. You get warm fuzzies, hugs, laughs, pictures for your fridge, endless bouquets of dandelions, and "I love you Mommy"! You also get to prepare 3 meals a day for multiple people and slip in a meal for yourself if you're lucky. You get to wash, fold and maybe put away endless piles of laundry. You get to sweep the floor only to have someone walk through the pile as your sweeping or track stuff in 5 minutes later. So many of our jobs NEVER END. But, I do know(or at least hope) that one day my kids are going to look back and say thank you.

My life as a mom began a lot differently than Erika's did. I had my first kid just after I turned 20 and was not married. I made a lot of mistakes, but have ended up with a pretty awesome 11 year old. I wish I had had the opportunity to marry first and have a few years with my husband to build a foundation, both in our relationship and our bank account, before having kids. I think Erika is correct in her encouragement to take some time before making the decision to start a family. Planning a kid is a luxury that I hope to have some day...if I can ever convince my husband that a 4th kid is a good idea!

So remember, next time you see that mom at the mall with the perfectly dressed and perfectly behaving kids, just think, "I bet her closets are an absolute disaster!"

The "Befores" and "Afters"

Before I had children, nothing would infuriate me more than when people would say "You don't understand because you don't have kids yet."  I would get so angry. I'd think, "I'm not an idiot. I can understand."  I would ask people to try and explain what they meant.  No one really could. I took that to mean that they just couldn't explain it well enough, and I probably really understood more than they thought.

Well I have news for the "before" me.  You didn't know jack.

I have recently been talking to several people who are thinking of having children, most of them who are young and haven't been married long. Since this is a common theme running through my life, I felt the need to address it. I believe now that nothing can prepare you, no one can tell you how hard it will be, and you will look back and be amazed by how many things you did not think of. 

***Before I continue, let me make my message clear: Have kids.  Do it.  It is a blessing, a wonder, a joy, a lifelong discovery of the amazing ways we were all created. I would never discourage people from having children, or from having as many kids as they think God wants to put in their family. ***

But think about it.  Pray about it.  Ask God to prepare your heart and soul and make you humble.  Consider if this time, right now, is the right time, or if maybe you can wait a year or two.  You will never be 100% ready. But look at your life: if you're already too busy and struggling and stressed to the max and trying to build or finish something, where is the room for that baby? What is going to give? What are you going to change? It's foolish to not consider these things, and it's irresponsible to not listen to the counsel of people who've been there- in any area of life, but especially the big areas.

A quote I love that hit home for me is, "The soul of parenting is sacrifice." Yep.  Not "fun" or "enjoyment" or "cuteness." Again, not that it's not worth it at the right time.  But ask yourself this, you childless person: do you regularly sacrifice your own desires, comfort, schedule, money, effort and time for anyone? I mean, every minute of every day and night? What about half of the time? What about 30 minutes a day? If you don't do any sacrificing now, are you prepared to become all about that?  And you might never be ready, but can you see why waiting a year or two might make it a little easier to do that?

Once you're a parent, you're a parent forever.  FOREVER.  Can forever wait a year or two?

I am a big believer in not wishing away time you've been given.  I know some people who have done life differently, and they're ok, but they have a lot of regrets.  My husband and I were together 4 years before we got married; we were married 5 years before our first child.  I would not trade that time.  I spent a lot of it wishing for the next stage to get here...hurry up already...come on...I should've been treasuring it.  I guess the good thing is it makes me treasure my time with my kids more now, realizing how I wished away that other time. But I still wish I'd known then to treasure our "kidless" time too.

So, in light of the way I hated not understanding what my friends with kids could not explain, here is my best shot at explaining some of it. Here is a BEFORE and AFTER picture of my life.

Before kids:  I woke up when I wanted.  Whether that was 6 AM to get in an early tennis game with my friend Megan, or 7:15 to shower before work, or 10 AM on the weekends because I was "sooooo exhausted." I ate breakfast and read the paper. I put on the clothes I wanted to and got all ready. I got to work on time most of the time.  I made lunch plans, and went to important meetings with fun people.  I came home from work and complained about having to grocery shop or clean up the house, which was actually already clean. I facebooked and internet surfed when I wanted to. I was "healthy" because I was in tune with my thoughts and behaviors. I hung out with my husband and our friends regularly, including dinners, bible studies, small groups, exercising, and scrapbooking. I was on important committees at church and doing "good" things. I went to bed early and watched whatever TV shows I wanted. I got a full night's sleep...or if it got briefly interrupted, I would be soooo exhausted the next day I would tell everyone about it.  I said things like, "I really need to say 'no' to people more" and "I need to get more rest." I took care of myself, whether that meant making sure to rest and eat right, or saying "no" to people I probably could've helped, or managing my schedule, or reading books to have things to discuss, or saving/spending money the way I wanted to.  I was all about self-protection, self-preservation and self-involvement, without even knowing it.

(Do you know it? Tomorrow, just look at all the things you do that are just about you.)

After having kids:  I wake up with a baby in bed with me, after a very stunted night's sleep.  I scarf breakfast and skim the paper. I nurse my baby for 20 minutes, which means I have about 20 minutes total to get myself ready before walking out the door on the days I have to work (no morning shower some days anymore). Not sure what clothes even exist in my closet, and I need to buy new shoes but can't get time to go do it. I take a kid to preschool (late) and walk into work (late).  I try not to feel guilty about this.  I work like a maniac in the time I'm there and leave much undone. I try not to worry about that. I rush back to preschool to pick up my kid. I rush home to nurse a baby and feed a kid and I eat some lunch.  NAPTIME (yay!) (for them, not me...I hurry to get a few things done around the house...what? oh, you see some scum on my kitchen floor...yep, no idea what that is...). Afternoon time: playtime. I don't have time to think about my "emotional or spiritual health." I struggle to get dinner made while my fussy baby cries and pulls at me and wants to be held.  Fail to make dinner: call husband to pick up dinner again.  Coax baby to eat, yell at 4 year old to stop throwing silverware (see how I'm not even using complete sentences anymore?). Remember that my friend texted me 4 hours earlier...text her back quickly and try to connect. Haven't hung out with her in months. Clean up dinner, maybe do some errands, which means husband has to stay with kids. Or he plays with them while I clean, or I play with them while he folds laundry.  BATHTIME and BEDTIME routine for them...an hour later they're asleep.  Try to decide if I want to do something (write a blog post) or sleep now before the baby wakes up in four hours.  Get a few hours sleep, up and down all night. There is no real kind of "rest." At some point in the night I remember that I have a meeting in the morning that I didn't prepare for. The scrapbooks are years behind, I have no idea what shows are on tv, I have no hobbies, no exercise (which doesn't help the self-esteem) I have only a few friends, I don't get to go out, we have no "extra" money.  We try to be regular attenders at church, but not much more is possible. My husband and I haven't been on a date in months. And this describes "normalcy", not exceptional days for sickness, crises, or just really really bad days. There are many more ways it's different, but my memory isn't what it used to be so I am not able to communiate perfectly.  Just another way being a "mommy" has changed me.

I am ok with this now. I don't mean to complain. But it's radically different than before.

Are you ready for RADICALLY different?

Again, don't miss my message: Those two amazing boys who are sleeping now are worth every ounce of "ME" I've had to sacrifice...a hundred times.  I am grateful for the changes in myself they've brought about. But it's HARD.  It's PAINFUL.  It's LIFE-ALTERING.

Why make it harder by jumping into it too soon or too casually or too blindly? It's not all sweetness and fun and cuteness and pie-in-the-sky "it will all be worth it" moments.  And here's my other message: Having a realistic picture of what it will be like isn't for YOU.  It's for THEM. 

It's so you aren't spending the first 3 years shell-shocked and distraut while your kids look to you for consistency, planning and comfort you can't give.  It's so you aren't forced to make decisions you don't want to make for them.  It's so you can be ready to treasure their tiny formative years and not just be looking at them to provide YOU with love and entertainment and the joy you expect. It's so you don't resent them when your life is rocked. YOU being ready is for THEM. 

Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I know it's not all-inclusive nor is it probably what you want to hear.  There are parts you will disagree with, and that's ok. You might be judging me.  That's ok too. You will understand one day...oh wait, that's what I hated hearing. I guess I didn't get anywhere.  But you can never say I didn't try.     

Parenting Taboos

Many thanks to my sister Katy for sending me this video.  It's lengthy, but I encourage you to watch it to the end.  I could write about 15 blog posts from this video alone.  Overall, the point I agree the most with is that we as parents need to be talking more about our true feelings.  And while our own personal happiness is, in my opinion, not always the goal of life, I think that their idea that having realistic expectations sets us up for more happiness is very valid.  I'll throw in a cute picture of my kids (in their "lumberjack shirts") here to encourage you to read on...

Before I was a parent, I can honestly say I gave very little thought to the time period between ages 6 months and 5 years.  Everyone always said things like, "Oh, being at home with kids was the best time of my life!"; "It's such a sweet stage!"; "Enjoy every minute, it goes so fast!"  Now that I'm in that time period, it sometimes seems awful, frantic, stressful, and so so so slow.  Not that there aren't periods of joy and awesomeness, and I am extremely thankful and I feel exceptionally blessed.  But happy? Not always. And, like this video points out, it seems to be taboo to say so.  I've even had honest people refer to this time period as "the dark days" of their lives. Where were these people before?  Hiding behind the very real taboo that saying things like this would make them out to be horrible people and even worse parents.  And I know that not to be the case from how much they truly love their children and have sacrificed, loved, and brought them up in immeasurably good ways.

I agree with the idea from the video that saying these things and being open is the best path to all of us raising the happiness quotient of our lives.  After all, I always do better when people validate my feelings and encourage me on, rather than lie about their circumstances (not that everyone who's happy is lying...just most of them. ha ha).  Anyway, please take a minute (or 17) and watch this video and leave your thoughts as comments. 
Here's the link to the video:
Let's Talk Parenting Taboos

Puzzles

Having two kids.  Wow.  Not what I expected.

My husband came up with the perfect analogy. He said it's like jigsaw puzzles.  Hang in there with me for a minute as I explain.

You can have a jigsaw puzzle with 4 pieces. My son Seth just graduated to 6- and 8-piece puzzles. Then there are 8000 piece puzzles...maybe more. If you've done a 4-piece jigsaw puzzle, you might have a point of reference for doing an 8-piece puzzle..but still, the picture is different. And once you get to bigger puzzles, you probably have a strategy for doing them: straight-edge pieces on the outside first, etc. But again, there are different pictures and sizes and shapes. So you might have a 400 piece puzzle of say, the Statue of Liberty, and you master that. But then you move on to a 1000 piece puzzle of a mountain scene. You are really starting all over; the basics are there, but it's a new picture and therefore a new strategy.

I think raising different kids is like that. We have our general parenting strategies, and things we will try and do the same each time. But, at least with my kids, the pictures are way different.

Seth is almost 4, and is the most easy-going kid I've ever known. As a baby, he went anywhere, slept anywhere, ate anything, loved everyone, hardly ever cried, etc. He would get new teeth overnight and we'd never know. He didn't sit up on his own till he was 10 months...crawled at 12 months...first steps at 15 months. Even then, he pretty much loved to be in his playpen and sitting, doing one thing.  He loved just watching the world go by. He was so relaxed that at his 15 month well-baby check, we found out he had a double ear infection. He didn't complain or pull on his ears. He slept like a dream. He couldn't work many baby toys, but didn't care. He didn't feed himself till he was about 2. He loves to be picked up and carried- still.

Baby Eli, now 9 months, could not be more different.  From the time he was 3 months old, I could tell he was "done" with the baby thing. He had no interest in just sitting, watching the world go by. He hated the swing, stroller, car seat...anything that confined him.  Some of this was due to his tummy issues- it hurt him to be doubled over like that. But he always wanted to be UP. He would play some, but he wanted my full attention. He hates his playpen. He got his first tooth at 3 1/2 months and hasn't stopped complaining about it (he's gotten 6 more since). And now, at 9 months (at which age Seth couldn't even sit up), he has mastered sitting up, crawling, pulling up, walking holding just one adult hand, and taking independent steps. He can also feed himself finger foods very well. He recently scared the daylights out of me by opening a closed box with some parts to his baby monitor in it, putting something in his mouth, and swallowing it- I thought it was a screw. It wasn't, but still. He hates his naps- he'd rather be awake working on his skills.

This will sound ridiculous to you experienced parents out there, but I really thought this would be easier. I had one kid, right? I had him figured out. So adding another...yah, I might have some sleepless nights in the beginning, but then it would be just like Seth. No sweat. No- Eli has been like starting over. Like a completely different jigsaw puzzle.

And I am cautious to not compare them too much. I don't want to say that one of their personalities is "better" or "easier."  I think that in all of us, our strongest traits come out as both good and bad.  Sure, Seth is easy-going, but he is also kinda lazy. He would still let me spoon-feed him if I'd do it. But he can also sit still and be quiet during a wedding, funeral, etc. Eli is driven: he figures things out for himself and is independent (He is a lot like me- sorry, sweet boy. Didn't mean to pass on my strong-willed nature). This is good because he is learning so much and has amazing dexterity and mobility. But he also gets his mind made up about what he wants and you can't argue with him. He is throwing 3-year old scale fits already.

I do joke that they will grow up together. Seth will figure out how to buckle his seat belt about the same time Eli does. They will learn to tie their shoes together. Seth doesn't care to do it- Eli just can't wait to do it. That's true of about everything.

So once again, I thought this would be easier. But I am learning. So I will use all the knowledge that I gained with Seth and try to apply it- to a very different puzzle. And I am glad they aren't exactly alike. What fun would that be? Easier, yes. But no fun.

Thoughts on Breastfeeding

It's funny that Shannon and I are both posting so much about breastfeeding right now. I hope if you're not in that stage, or use formula, you'll stick with us through these posts and find helpful info anyway! I wanted to share a few thoughts on breastfeeding.

For those of you who don't know me, you should know I am a person who likes to be prepared. I like a good challenge, but I really like to be informed about what is coming ahead of me. I don't think I run away from difficulty, especially when I know it's the right thing. But I like to know what it is I am getting into.
With breastfeeding, I knew all the info- the amazing benefits for my child, the cost savings, the calorie-burning (amazing!), and the benefits of the bonding time. All experts agree breastfeeding is best, though I do also think formula is better than it's ever been. My son Seth was formula-fed because we adopted him at 9 months, so I defend formula because he is smart, healthy, and we bonded great. But I am getting off track: my point was that I knew 100% that I wanted to breastfeed Eli. So he was born, we started the process, he was a great eater... and it was days before the reality set in.

Breastfeeding is hard. 

Maybe this is obvious to you. To me, it wasn't. I saw all the other moms just sitting peacefully with their babies under their nursing covers, happily feeding away and thought it looked like a piece of cake. Some people have a hard time with the actual mechanisms involved- we didn't. There is help out there for you if you do have issues. One reason it was hard was Eli's reflux because eating was painful for him. He would latch on, start eating, then pull off and arch away and cry. Feedings took hours. We had to work hard through that till his medication worked correctly. So sort of along those lines, the hardest thing for me was the commitment.

With Seth, Josh and I could both take care of him equally.  When it was time to eat, one of us would prepare and heat up his bottle, and Seth would happily suck it down in minutes flat.  No problem.  With breastfeeding, suddenly it's me, my body and my time...EVERY TIME.  And sure, you can pump and leave a bottle, but that still involves you doing something about it.  Someone recently said to me, when I was saying why I couldn't be at a certain event at a certain time, "can't Josh feed him?" Well yes, he can, but unless you want me to start leaking milk in front of you, I'm going to have to go pump at that time anyway. It involves me leaving places early or not going at all; it involves me getting up from the group having fun and going to a private place to feed him (Eli refuses to nurse under a cover- has since day one- and I am not comfortable being uncovered, though some people are).  It involves me scheduling everything in my life around feeding him.

I wish someone would've explained this to me.  It didn't occur to me at all.

Here's my second point though: I'd do it again anyway. 

This does not change my feelings about it. I would still not trade this time I've had with him, and the satisfaction of knowing I've fed him all this time. It hit me when he was about 6 months old: I grew him. I grew him inside of me and then he'd basically only had my milk to eat up to that point. How cool is that? Again, not knocking formula-feeders because I've done that too. It is just cool to me. There are tons of articles out there about the benefits of breastfeeding, so I won't go into all that here, but they are really amazing. There is even new evidence that breastmilk might help cure cancer. Seriously. This article by Betsy Lee is one of my favorites about breastfeeding. So I wish someone had told me it would be hard, but I'd do it anyway.  I just think it would've been better if I'd been prepared. It's a commitment. It's hard. It's time-consuming and life-altering. But I am glad I've done it.  Eli's only 8 months, and with his tummy issues (one of which is Milk/Soy Protein Intolerance), I might be breastfeeding longer than a year- we'll see how it goes. And I also know his tummy issues would've been way worse if he'd been on formula because of this.  So that's another reason I am glad.

I just wish someone would've told me. So I'm telling you. It's hard. Really hard. Hard does not equal wrong. Hard does not equal Don't Do It.  I think a lot of things are hard because they are worth a lot. It's worth it.