Adoption Questions, round 1

Seth in his referral picture (above)

Question 1: "Why did you guys adopt?" 
We've always tried to make it clear that adoption was our choice, but somehow some people missed this message.  We did not have infertility.  We had begun to talk and pray about starting our family, and at the same time, had some good friends talking to us about their desire to adopt (The Scheerers- who recently brought home two precious kids from Ethiopia).  There was an international adoption seminar at our church, so we attended.  I was so moved and excited about adoption, and after the seminar, it was all I talked about.  We talked about trying to get pregnant, and if that didn't work, we would adopt.  But I just kept talking about it, and finally, my husband said, "If we're so excited about adopting, why don't we start with that?"  It had never occured to me.  It immediately felt right.  We prayed about it and made our decision.  This leads me to a key point: some people think of adoption as a "second best option."  I tell people that adoption might be a second choice in some cases, but it is NEVER a second best way to have a family. 

Question 2: "With so many kids 'HERE' needing families, why did you get a 'FOREIGN' baby?"
I have to take several deep breaths after beings asked this question.  Mainly because it reeks of misinformation, biases, and a world-view that is skewed.  I have been asked this about 100 times, and of those 100, only one person was someone who actually worked for and was passionate about domestic adoption.  About 50 of the people were truly curious, and that's great.  But the other 49 or so have asked it with a spirit of contempt. 

My straight answer is this: Because God told us to. We were clearly led to international adoption, and God opened so many doors along the way that confirmed this was where we were supposed to be. 

My long answer is this: well, let me break it down. 

First, I'd ask the person questioning this: are you passionate about domestic adoption?  If so, I'd love to support you.  I believe EVERY child in the world deserves a family, not just children in the US.  And not just kids elsewhere. EVERY child. So if you want to adopt a child here, I will be your biggest cheerleader. Please do it. 

Secondly, if they aren't interested in adopting, I'd ask why it mattered so much that US kids get adopted first.  Does it come from a place of "we need to take care of our own", that so many people feel?  Somehow putting "Americans" ahead of the rest of the world, no matter how the others are suffering?  My son was born into a kind of poverty that we can't even comprehend.  Had he not been adopted, he would've grown up with no education, no prospects of a good career, and no help from his government.  He might've sold items on the street, like so many other kids we saw in Bogota.  He might've been kidnapped and taken in slavery into a guerilla army, which preys upon children with no parents to protect them. He might've been weilding an oozie by age 7.  Or maybe he just would've died from lack of food, healthcare, or water.  When I see suffering of this, I can't stand idly by and do nothing.  I feel the need to act.  I don't care what color or ethnicity. 

Thirdly, I'd ask if that person knows the actual statistics of orphans in the world.  A common figure used is that there are 143,000,000 orphans in the world.  143 MILLION.  In the US, there are approximately 500,000 kids in foster care.  Of those 500 THOUSAND, only 118,000 are available for adoption.  This means that most of the kids in the system have at least one living guardian who is working to have that child returned to their biological family.  In addition to that number, there are about 20,000 babies adopted each year, right from birth, in the US.  So you could add that together and say there are about 138,000 kids in the US needing homes.  Compare 143 MILLION to 138 THOUSAND.  What percent is that?  Not 10%, not 1%. It's not even 0.1%.  So it isn't like we walked past an orphanage full of crying babies down the street, and instead flew to Colombia to get Seth.  These types of places do not exist in the US anymore.  But they do in countries like China, Russia, Colombia, Ethiopia, Haiti, etc.  Any number of orphans, in my mind, in the world is deeply saddening and disturbing.  But if you just look at the numbers, the US is doing a good job of finding homes for kids who need them here.  This is not the case in the third-world countries, obviously.  There just are not millions of families in those countries willing and able to care for those children.  So I ask: if not us, then who will care for them?

Fourthly, I must say, the most disturbing part of that question for me is this:  It sometimes comes from someone who is seriously looking for a reason to say that what we did was wrong. Bad. Neglectful. Selfish. Prideful. Something.  But mostly, it comes from them working to make themselves feel better.  They look at what we and others have done and say, "oh man. maybe I should do something about this huge problem of parentless children in the world.  wait. I can't do that. it's too scary...expensive...time-consumming...etc." So they must find an excuse.  They have to find a reason that what we did isn't what they are going to do.  They know that no one is knocking on their door with an orphan, ready to hand over.  So they start to build a case as to why they never have to get out of their comfort zone and take a step forward to adoption.  And this is just the beginning of it.

I hope that clears up some questions for you.  Again, feel free to comment or message me with questions.  More to come...

Adoption Month 2011

August is a special month for our family.  As many of you know, in 2004 we began an adoption process that ended up taking about 3 times as long as we planned.  Despite our impatience, God had a fantastic plan for us and in August of 2007, our waiting ended.  We received "The Call" on August 7, 2007, and met our son, Seth, for the first time on August 30th that same year.  It was a time I would describe as nothing short of magical.  God showed us that despite our doubts, our struggles, and the questions of many people, He keeps His promises and he gave us the son we knew he had for us.

I am going to devote some time this month to blogging more about our experience, but also mostly about questions we get about adoption.  I also have some exciting news to share later this month concerning God's calling on our lives to help the cause of adoption in the world.

For now, I wanted to invite your questions. Many of you know our story, and there are probably questions on your mind about it. I am going to open this up and invite whatever questions you have, even running the risk that you might ask the "wrong" question or even sound offensive.  I want to help everyone understand what I feel is God's heart for adoption, and what it has meant for our family.

So please, if you have a question, leave a comment or message me.  If you want to ask it privately, you can send an email to me at erikaalbin32@gmail.com.  Please, go for it.  If it's a questions I see a lot, I will answer you and probably answer it here too.

Be watching for posts about this all month!

CARS philosophy

Awhile ago, my husband and I began talking about how it would help to have a set of words, or a philosophy statement, for making decisions for our boys.  We realize this might sound cheesy.  But there are so many things to focus on when raising kids, and I get easily confused about what is right.  For example, I really want Seth to play soccer.  He loves it at home, he is good at it, and it is good for kids to be on sports teams.  So we took him to a soccer clinic, and he wouldn't play at all. He clung to my husband's side and would only kick the ball with help.  I was, honestly, very angry with him. He has a hard time trying new things, and I get frustrated that he is missing opportunities.  We discussed whether or not we would sign him up (he cried the whole way there and most of the way home), and decided we'd give him a year and try again.  This decision was hard for me, and against most of my instincts: I wanted to push him, to drag him kicking and screaming, and MAKE him love it. 

I have shared before that I struggle with trying to control my children.  I know it's my role to instruct and shape them, and to put my foot down when needed.  But I cannot FORCE them to become someone they're not.  I do want to push them in some areas that might be outside of their comfort zones, but it's  a fine line.  Is it worth it to make a 4 year-old miserable and risk him hating soccer forever?

Anyway, we came up with an acronym that is going to help us in the next few years- these young, precious years- when they boys are so tender.  This philosophy will change as they age, but here's how we've decided to make decisions in the next few "young" years.

And it sounds silly. We came up with CARS because both of them love cars so much, but also because we already had C, R and S.  So we threw in the A, which turned out to be just as important.  So, at the risk of sounding cheesy and goofy, here's our CARS philosophy.  It's our responsibilities and focus for our wonderful boys for the next few years.


C- CHERISH.  We all know time goes fast. We all want to have memories and create great experiences for our kids.  But this is more about cherishing the every day moments with them. And cherishing who they are as silly, funny, little messy boys.  I want to soak it up and not miss it.  I don't want to turn around in 10 or 20 years and say I can't remember what Eli felt like in my arms after a bath, or what happened in my heart every morning when Seth woke up and ran in to tell me good morning.  I journal for this reason, but I also think of the Bible verse about how "Mary cherished all these things in her heart."  I want to cherish things in my heart, moment by moment, and not "miss" them.

A- ADMONISH.  This sounds harsh.  Admonishing is instruction for life, simply put. What we mean by this is that we want to take every teachable moment to guide them in the ways of the Lord.  We want to instruct them and discipline them appropriately.  Admonishing definitely has more to do with correcting and molding them than it does with saying NO or forcing them to behave.  Again, I tend to the control side, and want to make sure I am teaching them instead of having a heavy hand, so that, when I am not around, they have no idea how to behave. 

R- RESPECT. This is two-fold.  First, it's teaching them to be respectful.  This is everything from helping them learn to answer adults when they speak to them, to not tormenting the dogs, to respecting their own bodies by keeping clean, etc.  And secondly, since they are boys, I know respecting them is part of how they experience love.  Again, this does not mean we give them whatever they want.  It's not about always "respecting their wishes" if those wishes are not helpful or it they're ridiculous.  But it does mean to treat them like human beings. It means that we don't scream and yell at them, or put them down.  It's respecting their emotions and their ideas.  Respect is a huge part of teaching them to love others as they Jesus loves...by first demonstrating this by how we respect and love them. 

S- SECURE. Again, this means two things to us.  First it is just safety.  They are boys. They are young.  They think it's a good idea to do things like jump off the top of a set of concrete steps in their barefeet and swim trunks.  They don't have the ability to make safe choices- they are only seeing the fun and excitement of the experience.  I do not walk around behind them and hover all the time.  I do let them run and jump and even fall.  But we figured out early on that just because they are ABLE to do something (like climb on top of something) doesn't mean we should LET them.  I draw the line at fireworks and motorcycles. And secondly, we want them to feel secure in our love for them and for each other.  I read a great article about how kids who live with the low-level, constant anxiety of not knowing whether or not their family will stay together are affected in many ways- including their ability to learn and even grow well.  So we want to assure them that our family is forever and we will never stop loving them, even if they misbehave.

So back to the soccer example: I decided that forcing him to participate at this point would not be respectful or make him feel cherished.  It would tell him I did not care what he wanted to do, and that it matters to me more that he is on a team or "sportsy".  Again, I do feel that I will make a lot of decisions they don't agree with, and will even "make" them at least try things once in awhile.  With Seth, I know he won't voluntarily try things, and I will have to really encourage him to do things I know he'll end up liking. But at this point, it was not something that would've fit with our philosophy.  So we will wait and try again later. 

So there it is. I know it's probably basic parenting ideas to most of you. It just helps me to have a clear idea of our direction as parents. This isn't all-encompassing, but it is a start.

More about Milk/Soy issues

We are currently revisiting all of Eli's dairy and soy issues, and this article came out today. I have used the mentioned blog a ton to cook food for myself as Eli was a very young baby, and the recipes are awesome. But the article is a good reminder that the issues we've faced can really bring havoc to your family and cause a lot of struggle with a newborn. People often mention that their kids have dairy issues, but MSPI can be so bad if undiagnosed that it's more like severe colic, not just a little gas or fussiness. I held Eli non-stop for the first several months, and even then he wasn't content. It wasn't till I eliminated all dairy and soy that things changed at all.

Fussy Baby? It could be MSPI Metro Neighborhood News Omaha, NE

Eli Iron Update- 2 Months

This has been another crazy month for Mr. Elijah Boo (as we call him around here).  If I didn't know us, I wouldn't believe it.  Just to brief you: Eli has now been taking his iron supplement for a little over two months.  At the one month mark, I shared that he had been doing better, but then got an ear infection.  Well this ear infection ended up turning into a long, drawn- out illness that involved him breaking out into hives all over his body! The hives lasted almost 5 weeks! He was very sick for awhile and his sleep was definitely affected.  Here he is with the hives:

They weren't from his medication, and they were not a reaction to the iron.  The doctor believes they were just part of whatever virus he had that caused the ear infection. They were terrible and would just appear and disappear all over him. 

But I will share this. I would say out of the last 40 days, he has slept all through the night probably 10 nights! This is cause for celebration!  Even the times when he has been up, he is still doing so much better, like sleeping 6-7 hours straight, which he was not doing before.  I can detect virtually no limb movements. 

He is just doing so much better, and if we can keep him healthy, hopefully at the three month mark I can share even better news.  I am still so grateful for this amazing progress and God's provision for us.  It is such a difference when I can think sort of clearly and not be surrounded by a haze of exhaustion constantly.  It is such a comfort to watch him sleep on the video monitor and not see his legs and arms jerking.  He is at peace most of the time when he sleeps! Amazing! I can't stress enough the feeling of frustration when you watch your baby struggle to get comfortable and to REST.  I am thankful for these blessings of peace and rest.

And, as you might expect, he is so much happier in the daytime too! He was always a good-natured baby, but he has been so happy that I cannot explain it.  We laugh and play and giggle and have so much fun.  He plays and is happy.  I didn't realize how cranky he was simply from being exhausted, too.  Poor baby. I am so happy to see him happy!

Thanks for reading.  Check back for even more good news next month! 

It is hard for everyone!

This post is from Shannon....remember me, the lady with the non growing kids??? I have ridiculously neglected my end of the posts, but after reading Erika's previous posts on motherhood and struggles, I thought I would chime in as well.

Don't let anyone fool you by looking like they have it all together, especially moms that stay home most of the time with their kids. We all fall short of what we dreamed it would be like. Erika is absolutely right that parenting takes many sacrifices. Its not so much about losing your sense of self as it is redefining your sense of self. And even then, you'll be disappointed sometimes. From conversations I've had with other moms, I feel pretty confident that what I'm about to say applies to most moms. We cry, we lose our temper, we wear the same pair of jeans 3 days in a row, we use convenience food more often than we'd like, we let our kids watch too many videos, we cut corners on housekeeping, we neglect our husbands, our friends, and most certainly ourselves, we are not anywhere near perfect!

I think it is important that we voice our inadequacies to other moms or moms to be. So many people are worried about presenting the perfect picture to the outside world that when we do fail, it hits us that much harder. Being open and honest is one of the best ways we can offer support to our friends.

Yes, being a mom is incredibly rewarding. You get warm fuzzies, hugs, laughs, pictures for your fridge, endless bouquets of dandelions, and "I love you Mommy"! You also get to prepare 3 meals a day for multiple people and slip in a meal for yourself if you're lucky. You get to wash, fold and maybe put away endless piles of laundry. You get to sweep the floor only to have someone walk through the pile as your sweeping or track stuff in 5 minutes later. So many of our jobs NEVER END. But, I do know(or at least hope) that one day my kids are going to look back and say thank you.

My life as a mom began a lot differently than Erika's did. I had my first kid just after I turned 20 and was not married. I made a lot of mistakes, but have ended up with a pretty awesome 11 year old. I wish I had had the opportunity to marry first and have a few years with my husband to build a foundation, both in our relationship and our bank account, before having kids. I think Erika is correct in her encouragement to take some time before making the decision to start a family. Planning a kid is a luxury that I hope to have some day...if I can ever convince my husband that a 4th kid is a good idea!

So remember, next time you see that mom at the mall with the perfectly dressed and perfectly behaving kids, just think, "I bet her closets are an absolute disaster!"

Clarification of my thoughts on motherhood and struggle

Several of you read this post about my thoughts on rushing into having children.  I fear that some of my thoughts were misinterpreted. And maybe some of my general thoughts throughout this blog have been misinterpreted.  I want to clarify a few things.

Somehow through my posts, it may have sounded like I do not like children or do not enjoy being a mom.  I think this is happening because of my perspective on being real about my struggles.  As I've said, before I was a mom, I had the impression that most "good, Christian" moms just loved every second of being with their kids.  Baby time was wonderful and exciting and cute. There wasn't much talk of struggle, and if there was, it was general.  I wrongly assumed every minute would be happy.  For some reason I did not think much about the time between birth and school-age.  My husband and I read books and planned for how to handle older children and teenagers.  But nothing in the toddler-realm crossed my mind. 

I truly believe that this naivete caused me to be surprised, confused, and at times, depressed by my own struggles. I thought I was the only mom who got frustrated and upset when things weren't going well.  I thought I was the only one who did not have it all together.  So I wasn't dealing just with the usual "my baby pooped on me and I'm disgusted" frustrations- on top of it, I was having huge guilt that I couldn't just take those moments and smile and move on with little effort.

Talking about my struggles is freeing for me.  I also believe it makes me able to relate to others who are in the same life stage.  I do not mean to focus on them.  If you've gotten that impression, I am sorry.  I will try to focus more on the joy and less on the struggle, but I will not pretend that there aren't any trials at all.  I think talking about trials (of any kind) with others leads to freedom; otherwise you suppress things and they grow inside of you and lead to worse things. (A great book about this is Inside Out by Larry Crabb).

I believe that moms move mountains every day.  It involves a tremendous amount of effort, love, and management to run your home and care for your children.  And sacrifice.  So by me saying that, I think some people thought I meant I resented the sacrifice, which isn't true.  What I resent is this:

When people have the impression that this life is easy.  And they can just have kids, continue with their same lifestyle and commitments, dragging their kids with them without a thought for what the kids really need.  That their life won't change once they have kids.  That kids are an "accessory" to their life.  They think life won't be any different.  That is what frustrates me. 

I can't say I've always been perfect at this, but I believe you should treasure your children.  Cherish is the word we use at our house.  When it's time to have children, raising them should be on your mind, not just having a cute baby who goes everywhere with you. When it's time to have kids, you should be prepared to devote most of your life to them.  I am not saying you have to give up all your interests and activities (and you shouldn't), but you are not number 1 in your life anymore.  You have little people who are counting on you to make the best choices for them.  They need you.  They need your leadership, your affection, your TIME.  And it takes work.

With our first son, it was easy for me to not have to sacrifice much.  He was a ridiculously easy baby.  In every way.  I really didn't change my life too much, though I did quit working full-time and went part-time.  But he was so easy and relaxed. He slept in the pew at church and went everywhere with me.  Because he was so easy-going, I regret that I took advantage of this sometimes.  He would literally play in his playpen for hours- having a great time.  So I'd use that time to try and keep my house up, do whatever work I wanted, and catch up with friends.  At some point I realized I wasn't spending that much time doing things WITH him.  I had to train him to play with me because he was so content on his own. Once I did start having that focused time, I saw the benefits for both of us. He learned so much and showed his true personality. 

With our second son, it could not have been more different.  He has been tremendously demanding- not just personality-wise (though he did get my personality, poor kid), but medically and physically.  He had terrible GERD and milk-soy protein intolerance. I had to stop working all together for awhile to be there for him. I still have to give him lots of focused attention.  He does not go places well or "roll with the punches." On top of it, he has a sleep disorder and I haven't slept through the night in nearly 17 months.  He has taught me that my selfish desires and focuses do not matter anymore.  I have been to the depths emotionally and spiritually because of our situations with him. And I feel I've learned a lot. 

I had to learn to cherish my time with a screaming, wiggling, uncomfortable baby who did not allow me to leave the house for days.  Or sleep. Or eat what I wanted. Or see my friends. Or go to work.  Somehow God taught me to truly enjoy this time. To cherish it.  I think cherishing my kids is the biggest focus of my life now. I will try to do a post about what I mean by that later. 

My point in my last post was if you are not ready to put aside your own selfish desires, and have a realistic picture of what life might be like with kids, then you need to think more about it.  I would say the biggest thing you need is a teachable spirit.  Yes, that's it: are you willing to grow, learn, change and also serve your kids? It isn't all fun, but I guess I need to stress that it isn't BAD.  I didn't mean BAD when I wrote that post.  I just meant it can be hard. And as I've said before HARD does not always equal BAD. 

I hope that helps, and I hope you know I love my kids so much and enjoy them every day.  We laugh, dance, sing, play and snuggle. We are goofy and we are wild sometimes.  We run around and learn.  I have learned more about myself and life from them than I will ever be able to show them.  I am grateful and I am blessed.  I will try to say that more.