Parenting Taboos

Many thanks to my sister Katy for sending me this video.  It's lengthy, but I encourage you to watch it to the end.  I could write about 15 blog posts from this video alone.  Overall, the point I agree the most with is that we as parents need to be talking more about our true feelings.  And while our own personal happiness is, in my opinion, not always the goal of life, I think that their idea that having realistic expectations sets us up for more happiness is very valid.  I'll throw in a cute picture of my kids (in their "lumberjack shirts") here to encourage you to read on...

Before I was a parent, I can honestly say I gave very little thought to the time period between ages 6 months and 5 years.  Everyone always said things like, "Oh, being at home with kids was the best time of my life!"; "It's such a sweet stage!"; "Enjoy every minute, it goes so fast!"  Now that I'm in that time period, it sometimes seems awful, frantic, stressful, and so so so slow.  Not that there aren't periods of joy and awesomeness, and I am extremely thankful and I feel exceptionally blessed.  But happy? Not always. And, like this video points out, it seems to be taboo to say so.  I've even had honest people refer to this time period as "the dark days" of their lives. Where were these people before?  Hiding behind the very real taboo that saying things like this would make them out to be horrible people and even worse parents.  And I know that not to be the case from how much they truly love their children and have sacrificed, loved, and brought them up in immeasurably good ways.

I agree with the idea from the video that saying these things and being open is the best path to all of us raising the happiness quotient of our lives.  After all, I always do better when people validate my feelings and encourage me on, rather than lie about their circumstances (not that everyone who's happy is lying...just most of them. ha ha).  Anyway, please take a minute (or 17) and watch this video and leave your thoughts as comments. 
Here's the link to the video:
Let's Talk Parenting Taboos

Alone?

This past weekend I was having a conversation with a mom who is older than me. Her kids are mostly grown and out of the house. So I'd consider her a "generation" ahead of me.  I was telling her how hard this season of life has been for me, how tired I am, and how it gets very lonely. I said that many of my friends are in the same life stage, and they can't help me much. In addition, many of my family members are in hard life stages too, or just seriously busy with real life things. I was basically complaining that I don't have enough help- not blaming anyone around me- but the reality is just that I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders and feel like there aren't many who can help me.

Her response was surprising, and I don't think I quite agree. She said she had been through the same thing. She said she didn't have any help when she was raising kids, and she lived far from her family. But instead of commiserating with me, she said, "I think that's what every mom has to go through. I think it's just our cross to bear and something we have to deal with."

I didn't know what to say. On one hand, she's right. My kids are my job. I am not looking to pawn that off on someone else. I love taking care of them and spending time with them. But on the other hand- it is really hard. Wrangling a toddler, entertaining a preschooler, cooking, cleaning, organizing, trying to have a real conversation with my husband- not to mention trying to have any kind of outside social contact. Sleep deprived, losing so much weight my skinny jeans now fall off of me, trying to work part-time, filling our days with educational activities and fun...does it have to be so hard?

I got my answer later that day. We returned home from being out of town and had a surprise. My mom had spent 6+ hours at my house while we were gone- cleaning it. She vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed, etc. She had cleaned the filth off my bathroom floor. She organized my kitchen towel drawer.  She even left a crockpot full of vegetable beef stew, so that when we got home with two fussy kids, I wouldn't have to make dinner.

THAT'S what I am talking about. Every now and then, I need someone to pull me out of whatever small pit I am sinking down into. For me, recently it was the crazy mess my house was in. (For those of you who know me, you know I cannot stand clutter and filth- I've had to let go of much of that since having kids, but I still can't stand it). Having a clean house suddenly gave me the energy and enthusiasm for getting up the next day to face my little world. That's the kind of help I need once in awhile.

Some days it just feels hard, some days it really IS hard, and other days it's not so bad. Some people are naturals at this "raising small kids" stuff- I am not. It's hard for me. I tell people who are good at it that it's like if I asked them to suddenly go teach a subject in a high school that they aren't familiar with- like Calculus or French IV. I sometimes feel like I'm in an unfamiliar world with no prior life experience. I need help of all kinds.

So I don't believe we should try and face this life stage alone. I don't believe we should put our heads down and bear our crosses alone. I don't think that's how God intended it. This means three things:

1. We need to ask for help sometimes. Not just hints or complaining. I feel like if I'd asked my mom to clean my house before this, she probably would've said yes.
2. We need to look for ways to rescue each other sometimes. Even with our own full crazy lives, we need to constantly seek ways to help another mom not completely lose it. Even if it's just a phone call or quick text. We need to remind each other that we aren't alone.
3. We need to all look out for each other- maybe we can't be the one to go clean someone else's house, but we need to find those who can do it and ask on behalf of our friends. I am thinking about trying to figure out a way to help connect those who are willing to help with those who need it. I'd love ideas here...

So I think I can say that I totally disagree with what that other person said to me. I don't think we need to just deal with it. I think we need help and need to help each other. I know I'm still going to be the one up with my baby in the night, but a crockpot of soup sure helps me get through that once in awhile.

Your thoughts? post them below...

Katie's Growth Update/ Weaning Update

A little late, but as promised, here is what we found out at Katie's one year well check. She is in the lowest possible percentile, less than 3%. She weighed 16 pounds 5 ounces, which was an increase of about 3 pounds in 3 months. She also grew in her height and head circumference. The doctor asked me try to increase her milk intake during the day to at least 18 ounces and to put either ovaltine or carnation instant breakfast in her milk, both of which I have done.

I was holding on to her last breastfeeding session, which was the middle of the night one. I was afraid that if I cut this out that she would lose out on some much needed fat and calories. I figured if she was still waking for it, she must need it. I was wrong. The doctor told me that she was perfectly capable of sleeping up to 12 hours at night and was most likely just using the night feeding for comfort. I swear, she heard and understood him. For the next two nights, she slept 11 hours straight and skipped the night feeding. Night 3 was a different story. She woke around 3 AM. At first I tried to let her cry it out(CIO). She did, but woke a few minutes later. Then I tried picking her up and rocking her for a bit and laying her back down. She would have none of that. I tried walking around the house with her, which kept her quiet, but I was exhausted. I was fully committed to cutting out her middle of the night feeding, but by 5:30 AM I couldn't take it anymore. I made her a cup of milk and sat down to let her drink it. By this time, everyone else in the house was up too. We put in a movie and put some blankets on the floor to lay down. Katie and I laid on the couch and she finally went back to sleep at 6:30. It was NOT fun, especially when I had to get up a couple hours later and go serve in the nursery at church. Needless to say, I skipped the shower that morning and opted for a little extra sleep.

This has happened two times since then, but most nights she will sleep 11 hours. The first time it happened I tried CIO first, then went straight to the milk. After drinking about 4 ounces, I went through our lay down routine and she went back to sleep for the rest of the night. Last night I let her CIO and she made it through the rest of the night. So, Katie is fully weaned from breastfeeding and if it weren't for the puppy that I talked my husband into getting, I would be sleeping through the night most nights.

As for Katie's growth, her doctor and I are happy with her progress for now and will continue to keep an eye on her. As long as she is eating good and grows proportionally, there really are no real concerns.

Mourning the loss of a friend

Bummer of a title, I know, but that's what I feel like. Last night, Brayden informed us that Guido, his imaginary friend for as long as I can remember, is not real. Here is how our conversation went:

Steph: Get Guido to whistle.

Brayden: Guido isn't real.

Me: What?!?

Brayden: Guido isn't real.

Me: Then what have I been picking up off the ground, giving a bath to, and putting lotion on all this time?

Brayden: Uh, the air.

Ohhh, my heart was broken. Really not for losing Guido, which really could be a pain to play along with sometimes, but for another step in the loss of Brayden's youth. Most of the time this happens in baby steps, like preferring Batman to Elmo or suddenly realizing that he can button up his pajamas all by himself. Losing Guido felt like a leap to me. A sure sign that he isn't a little boy anymore, but a kid.

Ironically, at this same time, I find myself wishing that Katie would just learn to walk and get it over with. For one thing, she is ruining the knees in her pants and the tops of her socks. Mostly though, I'm ready to be done with crawling. She's been doing it since she was 6 months old and I'm ready for the next milestone.

If only we could pick and choose the things our kids let go of as they were getting older. A great wish, but surely one that would never work. Soon, I'll get over myself and the sweet little boy I wish I could hold onto forever and embrace the awesome kid he is becoming.

A quick related story: Today after lunch the kids and I were dancing in the kitchen when a fun song came on the radio. I put Katie down and went over to scoop Brayden up to dance with him. He said, "I'm too big to hold you me." We'll just see if that's the case the next time he falls down and gets hurt. I'm betting not!

Puzzles

Having two kids.  Wow.  Not what I expected.

My husband came up with the perfect analogy. He said it's like jigsaw puzzles.  Hang in there with me for a minute as I explain.

You can have a jigsaw puzzle with 4 pieces. My son Seth just graduated to 6- and 8-piece puzzles. Then there are 8000 piece puzzles...maybe more. If you've done a 4-piece jigsaw puzzle, you might have a point of reference for doing an 8-piece puzzle..but still, the picture is different. And once you get to bigger puzzles, you probably have a strategy for doing them: straight-edge pieces on the outside first, etc. But again, there are different pictures and sizes and shapes. So you might have a 400 piece puzzle of say, the Statue of Liberty, and you master that. But then you move on to a 1000 piece puzzle of a mountain scene. You are really starting all over; the basics are there, but it's a new picture and therefore a new strategy.

I think raising different kids is like that. We have our general parenting strategies, and things we will try and do the same each time. But, at least with my kids, the pictures are way different.

Seth is almost 4, and is the most easy-going kid I've ever known. As a baby, he went anywhere, slept anywhere, ate anything, loved everyone, hardly ever cried, etc. He would get new teeth overnight and we'd never know. He didn't sit up on his own till he was 10 months...crawled at 12 months...first steps at 15 months. Even then, he pretty much loved to be in his playpen and sitting, doing one thing.  He loved just watching the world go by. He was so relaxed that at his 15 month well-baby check, we found out he had a double ear infection. He didn't complain or pull on his ears. He slept like a dream. He couldn't work many baby toys, but didn't care. He didn't feed himself till he was about 2. He loves to be picked up and carried- still.

Baby Eli, now 9 months, could not be more different.  From the time he was 3 months old, I could tell he was "done" with the baby thing. He had no interest in just sitting, watching the world go by. He hated the swing, stroller, car seat...anything that confined him.  Some of this was due to his tummy issues- it hurt him to be doubled over like that. But he always wanted to be UP. He would play some, but he wanted my full attention. He hates his playpen. He got his first tooth at 3 1/2 months and hasn't stopped complaining about it (he's gotten 6 more since). And now, at 9 months (at which age Seth couldn't even sit up), he has mastered sitting up, crawling, pulling up, walking holding just one adult hand, and taking independent steps. He can also feed himself finger foods very well. He recently scared the daylights out of me by opening a closed box with some parts to his baby monitor in it, putting something in his mouth, and swallowing it- I thought it was a screw. It wasn't, but still. He hates his naps- he'd rather be awake working on his skills.

This will sound ridiculous to you experienced parents out there, but I really thought this would be easier. I had one kid, right? I had him figured out. So adding another...yah, I might have some sleepless nights in the beginning, but then it would be just like Seth. No sweat. No- Eli has been like starting over. Like a completely different jigsaw puzzle.

And I am cautious to not compare them too much. I don't want to say that one of their personalities is "better" or "easier."  I think that in all of us, our strongest traits come out as both good and bad.  Sure, Seth is easy-going, but he is also kinda lazy. He would still let me spoon-feed him if I'd do it. But he can also sit still and be quiet during a wedding, funeral, etc. Eli is driven: he figures things out for himself and is independent (He is a lot like me- sorry, sweet boy. Didn't mean to pass on my strong-willed nature). This is good because he is learning so much and has amazing dexterity and mobility. But he also gets his mind made up about what he wants and you can't argue with him. He is throwing 3-year old scale fits already.

I do joke that they will grow up together. Seth will figure out how to buckle his seat belt about the same time Eli does. They will learn to tie their shoes together. Seth doesn't care to do it- Eli just can't wait to do it. That's true of about everything.

So once again, I thought this would be easier. But I am learning. So I will use all the knowledge that I gained with Seth and try to apply it- to a very different puzzle. And I am glad they aren't exactly alike. What fun would that be? Easier, yes. But no fun.

Katie's Reflux

Katie's story is almost the opposite of Eli's so I thought it would be nice to share that too. Katie is what is known as a happy spitter. She spit up after every feeding, sometimes so much that I couldn't imagine that she had kept anything in. She would spit up any time from right after a feeding up to an hour after her feeding. I believe I first asked about Katie's spit up at her 2 week check up. Her doctor told me that every baby has some form of reflux up until they are 1 year old because their digestive track isn't completely developed. Since Katie was a happy spitter, meaning she showed no discomfort, he recommended that we not medicate as long as she was gaining weight consistently. The medication does not reduce the spitting up, just the pain associated with it.

Brayden was also a spitter, so it was easy for us to know what we needed to be prepared. First, we used cloth diapers to clean the mess up. I always had at least 2 on the arm of the couch where we did our feedings. We also staged them throughout the house having one in at least each room that Katie spent time in. At the first sign of spit up, one of us would yell "Diaper Cloth" and whoever was closest to the cloth in the room would toss it to the person closest to Katie. It was actually kind of fun at times. I also never left without at least 3 changes of clothes for Katie and an extra shirt for myself. There were many times I used all 3 outfits in one outing. One item we had that helped with Brayden was our dogs. When he was a baby we had 2 dogs that lived in the house. As gross as it sounds, they loved to "help" clean up the spit up. I never knew how great it was until we faced the same situation with Katie without the dogs. Our couch and carpets were littered with stains. Let's face it, I had no time to break out the Resolve every time Katie spit up.

I incorrectly assumed that Katie's reflux would get better when she started eating solid food. This was NOT the case. If anything, she was so excited about eating real food that she would overeat and spit up even more. Our carpet was constantly decorated with orange spots since Katie's favorites were carrots and sweet potatoes. I tried everything including a steam cleaner to get the spots up. Eventually they faded with time, thank goodness!

Katie's spit up was less frequent when she began eating finger foods. She began this a bit earlier than most kids, I think because she would watch Stephanie and Brayden eat and wanted to be more like them. By the time she was 7 months old she was almost exclusively self feeding. Her spitting up tapered off and was almost completely gone by the time she was 10 months old.

Since Katie is getting fussy, I really don't have time for a proper conclusion. I hope this gives a glance into the mild side of reflux though. Except for some extra cleaning, it really did not affect our life at all.

Our Reflux Experience- Part 3 (Final)

When I left off, Eli had just started Nexium and we were seeing some good changes. His Sandifer's Syndrome went away, he could play on the floor, he gained control of his head/neck and his muscle issues got resolved. His nighttime sleep started improving: he would sleep about 4-5 hours straight, but then be up and down the rest of the night. For me, this was a huge improvement. But still not good, right?

We saw our GI doc again in April. He upped Eli's Nexium and also recommended we start another drug, called Reglan, to help with gastric emptying, as he felt that Eli's tummy wasn't moving things through fast enough. Reglan has some scary side effects, and I decided not to give it to him. However, he also diagnosed him Milk/Soy Protein Intolerance. We had probably missed this all along because I hadn't been eating dairy- I had gone off of dairy (mostly) when Eli was born because I knew my husband had problems with it as a baby. I will do another post about that, but we had sort of ignored his MSPI issues because his reflux was so bad- I didn't know the two were interrelated. The GI doc had no real advice except to switch him to formula. Anyway, I decided to get serious about the MSPI so we thought we'd go ahead with that- the expensive kind of formula - that didn't have any Milk or Soy.  However, Eli had other plans, and he refused the bottle. So I started researching how to breastfeed with a baby who had MSPI. I finally got some help from this blog, and my friend Hailey, whose baby Knox had it too.

I had no idea how much soy I was ingesting, and also feeding to Eli directly, through Gerber Rice Cereal. The night we stopped the Gerber cereal, Eli slept so much better. He also began to nap better in the day. I was shocked. I went on a strict no dairy/no soy diet. This has been an additional personal struggle for me because I LOVE DAIRY and I love food in general. But seeing the change in Eli made it worth it.

I was now able to go to work one morning a week, thanks to my wonderful friend Ann Marie who watched Eli for the morning. Her baby Hailey had colic, so she was familiar with the challenges and told me she'd hold him all morning if that's what he needed. Thankfully, she didn't have to do that every time because he was getting better, but I was so incredibly grateful to her because I knew I could count on her to love my baby and care for him, even if he was fussy and sick all the time.

We also were able to start putting him in his crib for naps. It was a miracle- one day after he'd been at Ann Marie's all morning, we came home and it was naptime. He was clearly wanting to play, so I put him in his crib and sat down in the rocker. He played and played and then got silent...I looked over and he was ASLEEP! I couldn't believe it. We were able to keep moving forward with him napping in his crib and it was a huge relief to all of us. 

Remember how I said that reflux is back and forth? We often say it's two steps forward, one step back. He was doing better, but then new, strange symptoms started showing up in May/June. For one, he started actually throwing up. Tons. He vomited all over me all the time. And it was hours after he'd eaten. Often times, he'd nurse, be up for 3 hours, take a 45 minute nap, then wake and vomit. So we increased his Nexium again. But as time went on, he got worse and worse again. He couldn't be in a sitting position without vomiting. My mom was watching him during this time and noticed he was regressing. It became more than two steps forward, one step back. It became 2 steps forward, 12 steps back. He was a wreck again, most of the time. At night, he'd sleep maybe 3 hours, then be up all night- crying, fussing, etc- I'd hold him and walk around the room, and he'd pull his knees up and squirm and scream. It seemed like he was in pain again, but maybe a different kind of pain.

I had finally had it with our GI doc. He was helpful in some ways, but because Eli was growing great, I felt like he had brushed us off. I wanted to hear from someone else. I knew there had to be another piece of this puzzle. I called and talked to the nurse, and she actually recommended switching to another doc at Children's Mercy. Her name is Dr. Jennifer McCullough, and she is about my age- she actually has a daughter who is one month younger than Eli. We met with her in August. She recommended a scope for Eli, where they would look at his esophagus, stomach and part of his bowels. She also said he was taking way too much Nexium for her comfort (we later found out that Nexium can actually INHIBIT gastric emptying, which would explain his vomiting and the fact that he was getting worse instead of better), and we had to trust her as she switched him back to Prilosec. We were terrified, and the first weekend we switched was a disaster. But then it got better. Eli had his scope (a test the first doctor should've done a long time ago). The night before his scope, we had to give him an enema. He cried through the whole thing, but then slept better than he ever had before that night. So we knew there were probably some lower GI issues going on as well.  The scope revealed that he had some colon inflammation. Dr. McCullough decided this was possibly due to constipation issues. We started him on some Miralax, and things began to "flow", so to speak. Constipation doesn't mean he doesn't go very much- in fact, he went pretty regularly- but it means the colon doesn't empty completely, and gets irritated and swollen. This seemed right in line with his symptoms. His overnight cramping stopped, and he seemed to finally be comfortable! So...

I appreciate if you've read this far. Basically, I wanted to chronicle what we've gone through and post it so if you're having any similar issues with your baby, you might know where to find help.  Eli has some fairly minor Upper and Lower GI issues, but they completely wrecked our life for awhile.We thought reflux was the only culprit, but had to press on to discover the MSPI and the way his constipation was affecting his colon.

For me, part of this journey has been about remembering that I am Eli's advocate. He can't tell us what's wrong, and he certainly can't call the doctor about it. There were times I felt like the nagging mom who had to call the doctor for the hundredth time. But I knew he was feeling terrible and I wasn't going to just be ok with that. So I pushed. And pushed. And finally got some answers and help. Don't get me wrong- all the doctors we've seen tried to help and agreed there was something wrong that needed fixing. But it took lots of follow-ups and phone calls to figure it out, and I had to be proactive in learning about the issues myself.

So where are we today? Well, Eli's taking Prilosec and Miralax regularly. He's starting to eat solid foods (we met with a dietitian this week to discuss how we'll move forward when I'm done breastfeeding since he can't have whole milk). He is taking 2 naps a day in his crib- usually one short one and one long one. He is sleeping better at night. He isn't in constant pain. You can see on his face that he's finally a happy kid! He's super active and running me ragged! So now it's about managing his medication, being careful about foods, and the every day ups and downs of being a mom to a pre-toddler (oh the teething!). But at least it's not about constant pain and agony for all of us!